Flippin' Thru – The ESPN Shop Catalog (March 2008)

If you ever buy one thing from any online sports apparel shop, you become the weekly recipient of catalogs from every sports apparel shop.

Let's do this thang…

Page 02: The results of an ESPN.com poll break the initial sticker shock of Nike's College Twill Jerseys ($74.99) and matching shorts ($59.99):

ESPN.com voters sized up the all-time NCAA Tournament Underdogs

1.) George Mason (2006)

2.) Villanova (1985)

I think I'll stop here, since no one needs any further proof that ESPN.com voters are morons. Wait…you do need more proof? Then, just read the user comments that they've incorporated at the end of every story on their website. Bonus points if the story has anything even remotely to do with race.

Page 04: Crocs Collegiate Beach ($34.99) – According to the catalog, Crocs are "the original, cool, comfort design that sparked a phenomenon". Oh, white consumers…is there anything you won't turn into a phenomenon?

Page 07: Nike Lacrosse Reversible Practice Jersey ($34.99) – Perfect for the sports fan in your life who's had it up to here with the well-to-do and disconnected douchebags of professional sports.

Page 11: Fashion has officially passed me by. At least, that was my first thought when I discovered that this wasn't for women ($99.99). And, neither was this or this ($89.99 and $124.99, respectively). Pretty sure that Will Smith's fashion sense from the first season of Fresh Prince will hold up better than any of these. And, he wore denim shorts, people. Denim!

Page 13: Majestic Hardwood Classic Player Image Tee ($19.99) – I know this subject's been beaten to death on infinitely funnier blogs than mine, but can a Black man really wear the Larry Bird shirt? Wouldn't Bird's legendary grit, court sense and basketball intelligence cancel out the whole athleticism-and-only-athleticism of the Black guy wearing it? Plus, the whole "Black Boston fan" thing. Does such a Negro exist?

Page 13: adidas NBA Championship Banner Tee ($25.99) – Really, New York Knicks, I'm not sure what's worse: seeing your shirt alongside the multiple, more recent championships of the Lakers (boo!) and Bulls or the fact that there's actually room for all two titles that you've won (none since 1973).

Page 23: Majestic MLB Scoring Streak Ringer Tee ($24.99) – Pass. Aaron can't wear "ringers" as I've discovered that the "rings" around the sleeves and collar draw far too much attention to my bony girl arms (and accompanying elephant's butt smell) and my roll-of-dimes neck. I'm 180 pounds and 96% of that is my head. Only former Phoenix Sun Kevin Johnson knows my pain.

Page 23: Majestic MLB Intersection Stadium Tee ($17.99) – I've been an A's fan for over 25 years and I'm just now discovering that their ballpark is not on the corner of "CripBlood Boulevard" and "Martin Luther King, Jr. Avenue". Would've lost a bet on that one.

Page 24: Majestic Cooperstown MLB Laser Jersey ($74.99) – I nearly leapt out of the ass-crater I've created in our couch when I saw the A's were represented by former ace and Roger Clemens-killer, Dave Stewart! Then, I discovered numerous jersey rules violations that brought me back down to earth. For one, Stewart was an Athletic from 1986-1992 (much like Rocky V, 1995 is not recognized) and never wore the 1970s colors on this jersey. Two, this is a cheap knockoff of replica jerseys, which are – themselves – less expensive imitations of the more awesome "authentic" ones. Still, I left the catalog opened to page 24, atop the snoring corpse of Mrs. Bootleg this morning. I'll let'cha know how it goes.

Page 24: Majestic MLB Impact V-Neck ($44.99) – The Montreal Expos are featured prominently, which is depressing on several levels, but none more than this: Major League Baseball is attempting to make money off of a franchise that they, themselves, killed off with the strike in 1994, shady back-alley ownership agreements and, of course, the original Mr. Bojangles. Good to know that rappers will have something cool to wear in their videos, though.

Page 25: Majestic MLB Banner Pride Tee ($17.99) – For all the sh*t they get, I can honestly say that I've never known one of those stereotypical a-hole Yankee fans. Sure, I saw lots of 'em when I went to Yankee Stadium last summer, but I've never known one. That said, if Nick or Joe or NYJon were to ever start rocking the "26 World Championships, B*tches" shirt… Full disclosure: I own the A's version of this shirt, but since it only features the four championships won in Oakland, it's more "modestly historic" and less "look, I'm a d*ck!".

Page 26: Majestic MLB Momentum Women's Tee ($17.99) – Mrs. Bootleg's owns a few A's and (sigh) Padres t-shirts and jerseys. I'm proud to say that none of them are pink. She's a keeper…unless someone wants to make an offer for her. The boy and the cat go, too. Package deal. This is non-negotiable.

Page 27: Reebok MLB Clubhouse Lining Shoe ($69.99) – I own more A's personalized jerseys and t-shirts than anyone in their 30s should ever admit. Yet, it's still comforting to know that the crown to the Loser Kingdom sits atop the head of anyone who'd wear these.

Page 33: ESPN SportsCenter Boo Yah Tee ($17.99) – I stand corrected.