TBG Reviews: Snoop Dogg's Father Hood

Snoop Dogg and I have history.

His debut on the title cut to the Deep Cover soundtrack in the spring of 1992 was one of the first albums I ever copped just to get one song. (The single was pretty much sold out in every Wherehouse, Sam Goody and mom n' pop spot in Long Beach.)

Later that year, I bought one of the last cassette-ready Sony Walkmans ever made, just so I could play The Chronic, front to back, on my public transportation commute to and from school.

In November 1993, I stood in line at the legendary (well, in Long Beach, anyways) VIP Records to buy Snoop's solo Doggystyle debut at midnight. And, if that doesn't prove my dedicated fandom, all you need to know is that VIP Records is on the corner of Pacific Coast Highway and…Martin Luther King Boulevard. At midnight, people.

As the years passed, I picked up every Snoop solo joint – from the sh*tty (Tha Doggfather) to the really sh*tty (Da Game is to be Sold…) to the not as sh*tty as you might think (Top Dogg).

Hell, I used Snoop Dogg to introduce myself to some of you when I made my internet debut way back in aught-two.

So, it's with a heavy heart that I declare Snoop's new "reality" show, Father Hood, the worst show ever made.

In the interest of full disclosure, I normally loathe reality shows. I'm not sure how it is in the rest of the world, but California isn't exactly handing out government vouchers to solve a shortage of the preening and privileged. Consequently, I'll be damned if I'm going to willingly sit and watch them.

That said, it's still Snoop…right?

I had the first three episodes stockpiled on the DVR and used my holiday break to get caught up. Quick summary: Snoop Dogg juggles his career with his wife and kids. That's…pretty much it.

The first episode revolved around the Snoop Dogg family maid quitting. Her explanation is given in Spanish, with subtitles and that generic "La Cucaracha" music piped in for effect. You stay classy, E! Network. The second episode features a guest spot by David Beckham, who tries to teach Snoop's kids soccer, while Snoop introduces Beckham to Roscoe's Chicken & Waffles. The third and final one I saw takes Snoop to New York, while his kids act up at home.

Now, here, for your consideration, are all the reasons why this show really is the worst show ever made:

It's NOT real - I know! A contrived, manufactured reality show?! I could write 20 pages on this point, alone, so I'll leave you with the most egregious example: Snoop's wife wakes up at 4:00 AM one morning to find her husband eating an eight-piece box of fried chicken and watching TV. And, she's in full, perfect make-up! Take it from me, if a Black woman dozes off, she'll still wake up to take off her make-up and wrap her hair at 5:30 AM, even if she has to get up and get ready for work at 6:00 AM. Take it from me.

It's NOT funny - The central comedic figure is ostensibly a fat sack of fat named Anthony. He's described – with the help of on-screen graphics – as an "honorary son" with all of the yuks coming from his appetite, inertia and incompetence. 50 years ago, he'd be called "Rochester" and hoping his feets didn't fail him now. On Snoop's show, he asks an attendant if he can help himself to some candy in a bowl. He takes one piece, puts it on the table, then walks off with the bowl. HAW!

It's NOT real - Anthony parks Snoop's car in a tow away zone and hilarity ensues. While attempting to get the car back from impound, Anthony convinces the clerk to waive the $500 retrieval fee in exchange for one of Snoop's shirts and a pair of his house shoes.

Snoop's family is NOT interesting - His wife, Shanté, is repeatedly referred to as "Boss Lady". Having one of my own at home, I get that. But, this broad just loafs along from scene to scene feigning exasperation at everything. In the second episode, she calls a meeting of Snoop's staff, handlers and hangers-on to declare…no more junk food for Snoop. The ensuing 29 minutes were equally empty. And, his three kids are spoiled, obnoxious and idiots. If anyone remembers that MTV Cribs episode that featured Master P's bastard offspring Lil' Romeo (and I SWEAR it's the only one I ever saw), you'll know what I mean.

It's NOT real - Beckham, in a "camera confidential" soliloquy, professes his long-standing love affair with Hip Hop and rap. Snoop has an abject fear of needles (admittedly, one of the show's lone amusing sequences) and his doctor sends him to an acupuncturist to get him to relax. A blind, Asian acupuncturist who can't speak English. Snoop reveals that those house shoes the kids gave away were, in fact, were handmade and worth $5000.

Snoop…my n-word…it's over.