Maui – The Miniseries, Part VII

It's our last night here in paradise, before returning home to…well, paradise. (Sorry, but I'm going to have to postdate that line until the smoke clears in Southern California.)

Anyways, before The Cam Fam left the mainland, I posted about the three things most likely to be blog fodder from Hawaii. And, during this past week, I've covered the flight from San Diego and the whole "sports come on too damn early out here" angle.

Which leaves us with the grub.

If any of you ever make it out this way, you'd be a damn fool not to try Maui Tacos – a chain restaurant that's something of a Hawaiian-Mexican fusion. We ate there two or three times and tonight they served me a spicy fish burrito that was about the size of my head. Like everything else out here, it's a little pricey (you might not wanna drop $9.00 on a burrito), but I guarantee it'll crack the top two of your favorite hole-in-the-wall Mexican joints.

We also did two lunches at The Tiki Lounge. And, while the food was equally awesome (God bless the man who finally decided to Kahlua barbecue all those pigs he was slaughtering) it's actually a bar with live music (Lupe Fiasco's here next month?!) when the sun goes down. If I was young and/or alive and/or the wife was still in San Diego, I'd be out on the prowl with all you crazy kids doin' the motorcycle dance and such.

Then, there's the Spam.

Well, there was the Spam…once.

Three menu items, two ubiquitous fast food restaurants and one encounter with Hawaii's favorite processed pork product.

Portuguese Sausage Platter: "Burger King" and "breakfast" aren't usually two words I associate with each other. In fact, breakfast for me usually consists of three cups of coffee and the knowledge that I'll be in the office for the next ten or eleven hours. But, our friends at BK brought the goodness with three kind-of spicy sausage slices, a mountain of sticky rice and a serving of surprisingly tasty scramby eggs.

I passed on the two packets of Soy Sauce (on the mainland, we call it "soy-dium sauce") that came with it, but I still think I got the "island experience" without them. Grade: 4 (out of 5)

Haupia Pie: I caught a local McDonald's commercial for this dessert and opted to order one after a ginormous late lunch at a separate restaurant a few days ago. Not really sure what I was thinking, since Haupia is a kind of coconut/coconut milk pudding that's a staple at luaus…and, I don't really like coconut. But, for a buck, I was game. On the plus side, the McDs out here still deep fry their pies. The wonderfully greasy crust saved this one from a negative rating, but the too-rich-for-my-blood innards were overwhelmingly coconut. So hot…haupia was a bad choice. Grade: 1

Spam™ & Eggs Platter: It was back to McDonald's for their take on this classic Hawaiian favorite. And, the locals should be lighting their torches and sharpening their spears in violent, stereotypical protest. Christ, this was awful. I mean, it's Spam™, so it's not like I had any expectations, but still.

The meat wasn't fried (which is supposed to be the best way to eat it) and tasted like it was just warmed from can fat to microwave. The eggs were that dark yellow color signifying either "overcooked" or "cooked, cooled, cold, then reheated". From the taste, I'm going with the latter. And, the rice was just good ol' Uncle Ben's, not the sticky kind that accompanies similar cuisines. I'm stickin' to McGriddles. Grade: - 5