TBG's Five Favorite American Cities

By this time next week, I will have "been n' done" New York City.

I have no doubt that NYC will soon be knocking out one of my current top five favorite American cities. This alternately excites and saddens me, because each of my current top five holds special memories. And, it's not like just any city is afforded inclusion.

For example, I've been to Chicago over a half dozen times, but it can't make the cut. That's primarily due to the fun fact that I've never once set foot outside Chicago's O'Hare Airport. Although, I can tell you the name of the only bar there that recognizes a "happy hour" and discounts their drinks accordingly.

Meanwhile, my own hometown of Long Beach, CA and my sports hometown of Oakland are also on the outside looking in…their vision most likely obscured through gang signs and prison bars.

San Diego? Meh…I live here, so the perfect climate, outdoor malls and multi-cultural tapestry of poontang do nothing for me.

And, yes, list posts are still lazy:

#5: St. Louis, Missouri - Two months ago, I'd never been there, yet after a week, I was ready to regularly attend church, vote Republican and eat my own weight in saucy pork products like all the other locals. It's also America's greatest baseball town which is fun for a fanatic like me and features some of the most underrated women on earth. I'm sure if I visited during the summer sauna, this ranking would take a hit no matter how awesome their bitches were.

#4: Washington, D.C. - I've been there twice: once in the spring of 2003 and again in the winter of 2004. Females? Phenomenal. And, for a native Californian, the sheer number of African-American professionals walking the streets, riding the subways and working the menial service positions that I always assumed were meant for Mexicans, just blew my mind. Great clubs, great bars and the city's historic sights even impressed an avowed anti-sightseer like me.

#3: Seattle, Washington - Home of the first business trip I ever took in October 1998. It's a lot like San Francisco in that the climate, culture and architecture make it a great "walking around" town. I went back last year for the first-ever Bootleg Family Vacation and, in nine total days there, I've seen about one hour of rain. It was a little seedier than I remembered from my '98 stay, but the sun stays out way late in the summer, so you can at least feel safe a little longer. Second best microbrews of any city on this list, easily the best coffee and a couple of awesome cigar bars that once played a role in my vomiting of oysters, cognac and tobacco in one night. Best business trip ever.

#2: Austin, Texas - OK, you got me. This was the best business trip EVER. How great was it? Well, I was, uh, "gently reprimanded" by my then-boss once some of the stories got back to him. Outside of the co-workers I was with, there might be a half-dozen people who know everything that went down. There's live music at pretty much every bar, the locals are nothing like the good ol' boy Republican rednecks that infest the rest of the state and it's home to the University of Texas. Full disclosure: I went during their version of Mardi Gras, but I'm just going to assume that every day is like that down there.

#1: San Francisco, California - Weak~! The Californian cops out. But, you won't find a more eclectic stretch of excellent bars anywhere. (I've only spent one abbreviated evening in Boston, but that town comes pretty damn close.) The nightlife there is like listening to Tim Kurkjian on Baseball Tonight…"You're guaranteed to see something you've never seen before". Hot women travel in packs of six or more, with virtually none of the stuck-up bullsh*t like their sisters in SoCal. Clubs get too hot? Well, it's always 50 degrees or cooler at night, so step outside, watch the sweat wick away and get back in there, Nicka! Gotta soak up that BAC? Go to any corner dive and get a cheap slice, a fish taco or a pound and a half breakfast burrito and you're OK to drive without any fear of vehicular homicide. Oh, and there's lots to do for the kiddies.