That Bootleg Guy

The LL Chronicles #13: Practices, Clinics, Scrimmages & Jalen Pitches!

2012-02-14T07:18:00.000-08:00

As most of you know, I was recently railroaded into managing my ~~seven~~ eight-year-old son's Little League team this spring. Jalen will be playing in the "farm" division on the A's -- a magnificent confluence of random fluke AND our favorite Major League Baseball team! It's been three weeks since ten other children were essentially left at my doorstep. In that time, we've held three 90-minute practices and a two-hour scrimmage. Our first official game is on Valentine's Day* and these are my early experiences and observations:

* -- I've already made the "getting my wife a baseball diamond for Valentine's Day" joke 20 times over the past two days. Friends, co-workers, Mrs. Bootleg...they've all heard it. I regret nothing.

When in Oakland -- I'm taking my case to the readers of this lightly-read blog, because my wife and I can't seem to reach an agreement. Is it considered over-the-top to purchase white batting gloves with forest green trim for your baseball-loving child because that's what the players on his favorite team wear? And, where do you stand on the purchase of a matching green batting helmet? Just for grins, let's say it was affixed with a gold A's logo decal that was separately obtained off of eBay. Y'know...as worn by the players on his favorite team. That's not "over the top", is it? Of course, it's not. Could you guys let my wife know?

The Designated Hitter -- During my introductory phone calls to the parents of my players, I contacted a father who insisted his 10-year-old son was "too good" for the farm division. His son tried out for the next higher level, but wasn't drafted by a team so he dropped down to our division. I was less than thrilled when the league asked me to invite the child to one of my practices where he'd receive a second evaluation from the upper division. When he showed up, he was the biggest kid on the field...but, he couldn't throw or catch. Our practice hadn't even ended when the league's player agent confirmed I'd be keeping this kid on my team. It wasn't until our next practice -- a week later -- that I got to see him hit. Oh, my. Left-handed...all torque...all bulk. He was obliterating the ball. Jalen compared the kid's swing to this guy...and I couldn't disagree. Welcome, new player! I can teach him defense. Can't I?

Clinically Speaking -- Every Little League manager in our district is required to attend a 90-minute coaching clinic. As you might imagine, I took it in stride. It began at 9:00 AM and was held outdoors on a drizzly 48-degree morning. It was a lot like traffic school as the instructors taught us obvious lessons ("Be patient with your players.") in their most condescending tone ("Don't be afraid to take a knee and talk to the kids at their level.") One of the instructors had played college baseball at San Diego State under Hall of Famer Tony Gwynn. He mentioned this several times, each instance more forced than the last. Afterwards, another manager and I tried to estimate how many times a day our instructor mentions "his time in the cage, talking hitting with Coach Gwynn". We settled on 30 times/day from Sunday through Thursday and a bar/nightclub bump to 50 on Fridays and Saturdays. Don't say you weren't warned, women.

Now Pitching for the A's... -- Our team played a scrimmage against the Cardinals last Saturday. For most of the kids, it was their first chance to pitch from the mound in game conditions. Jalen was penciled in to pitch the third inning. Earlier in the week, I had a chance to discuss his impending pitching debut:

Me: "Are you excited about pitching on Saturday?"

Jalen: "Yeah. I think I'm gonna do this if I strike someone out."

Me: "Don't do that, J."

Jalen: "Why not? Brian Wilson does it."

Me: "He does it for his father. His dad passed away and it's a tribute to him."

Jalen: [Pause] "Do I know any dead people?"

Jalen took the mound with a 6-1 lead. He was clearly nervous and rushing through his pitching routine as if the ball were a live grenade. In his one inning of work, he gave up one hit, one walk, one strikeout and no runs. Another batter reached base on a poor throw from our shortstop, which caused Jalen to turn towards our dugout and squeakily shout from the mound, "That's not a hit! That's not a hit! That's an error!" At least he didn't do the Brian Wilson thing.

Well, THIS Might be Over-the-Top -- The Oakland A's are the only Major League Baseball team that wears white shoes. Oh, yes I did.

2012 NFL Playoff Pickery -- Super Bowl XLVI

2012-02-05T12:42:00.000-08:00

Last Week

Joe: 2-0 (2-0 vs. spread)
Aaron: 1-1 (2-0 vs. spread)

Overall

Joe: 7-3 (7-3 vs. spread)
Aaron: 6-4 (7-3 vs. spread)

NY Giants v. New England (-2.5)

Joe: I don't trust myself one bit when it comes to predicting this game. I really like this Giants team. I really hate this Patriots team. I think the Giants are playing their best football of the season. I feel like the Pats lucked into a monstrously weak divisional opponent and got away with one against Baltimore. I think the Giants are the better team. And yet I am petrified to pick against the upset, probably for a whole bunch of stupid reasons like karmic payback for four years ago. But does karma REALLY owe the Patriots anything? Oh, certain proprietors of ESPN fiefdoms will tell you they've been positively star-crossed for years now. They haven't even won a Super Bowl this decade!! So, okay. I'm not making this pick about karma or hot streaks or Rob Gronkowski's ankle. I'm making this about Eli Manning and Victor Cruz carving up the New England secondary at will and the Giants pass rush getting to Tom Brady just enough. God help me. Pick: NY Giants 37, New England 28

Aaron: The Patriots' season-long inability to put opponents away nearly ended their season two weeks ago against the Ravens. Admittedly, it's been easy to fling around "fluke" invectives while pointing to missed field goals and touchdown-receptions-that-weren't, but let's not forget the Giants' similar favors from the football gods in their conference championship game. QB Eli Manning spent that game drenched in terror sweat and fleeing from a frightening 49ers defense that made stop after stop. For whatever reason, the Giants' win on a special teams turnover from the 49ers hasn't been as readily dismissed. In fact, for the past two weeks, I'd argue that the most respect given to the Patriots is their opening as three-point favorites. There's been a little too much "New York KNOWS how to beat New England" analysis and referencing of the Giants' successful Super Bowl approach from four years ago. So, instead, I'll rely on my own analysis from two weeks ago: if the Patriots are involved, the final score will likely be close...and Eli Manning's drive-to-drive, play-to-play productivity schizophrenia could swing that score either way. Gulp. Pick: New England 17, NY Giants 14

I'm Managing Little League Baseball Again -- An Oral History

2012-01-24T19:27:00.000-08:00

"Believe it or not, there was a time when I wanted nothing to do with coaching youth sports. The politics, the parents, the egos and the immaturity. But, after the game, Jack walked right up to me and said, 'Thanks for coaching me this year, I had a lot of fun!' I replied, 'You're welcome, Jack. I had a lot of fun coaching you.' To which, he responded, 'Don't tell the other coaches, but you were my favorite!'" -- That Bootleg Guy...June 3, 2011

==

"I'm looking for one parent to come forward and be the manager of the team. This person would serve as my main point of contact for rosters, schedules, equipment, etc." -- E-mail from Director of Fall Little League...August 16, 2011

==

"It was 95 degrees and from 12:00 PM until 1:30 PM; I'd been immersed in my first organized practice as manager of a Little League baseball team." -- TBG...September 1, 2011

==

"Little League managers are supposed to be patient and paternal. They teach without screaming and paint everything with positivity. I gave it a go and I'm glad that I did." -- TBG...November 13, 2011

==

Director of Fall League: "I hope you'll consider coming back to manage in the spring, Aaron. I watched a few of your games and you were great with the kids. They looked like they were having a lot of fun playing for you."

Me: "We'll see. I didn't volunteer when I signed Jalen up [for the spring season] last weekend. Managing is a much bigger commitment in the spring." -- November 18, 2011

==

"Good afternoon. I am the Farm Division Head for our Board of Directors. Currently we have 5 teams confirmed for the Farm Division but only 4 Managers. ME AND THE KIDS NEED YOUR HELP!!! You are all copied on this email as you have indicated an interest in being an Assistant Coach. On Saturday a 5th Farm Division team will be drafted regardless if we have another Manager or Co-Managers confirmed. It would be a shame to have a team of 12 kids without a Manager." -- Mass e-mail...January 17, 2012

==

"The Farm Division has secured its 5th Manager for the upcoming Spring season. All the best." -- Mass e-mail from (inhale) Farm Division Head for our Board of Directors...January 19, 2012

==

"Hi, Aaron. I'm calling on behalf of the Farm Division where your son Jalen is scheduled to play this spring. As you know, the player draft is today. Actually, it's about an hour from now. I know it's extremely short notice, but I was wondering if you'd be interested in managing a team this spring. It turns out we're going to have six teams, not five. I need you to call me back right away." -- On my voice mail...January 21, 2012 (approximately 11:30 AM)

==

"Hi, Aaron. I'm calling on behalf of the Farm Division and to congratulate you on being named manager for the upcoming season! I need you to call me back right away so I can provide you with your roster and practice schedule." – On my voice mail…January 21, 2012 (approximately 2:00 PM)

==

Me: "So, how did I end up as a manager when I never actually volunteered?"

Farm Division Director: "Well, your name kept coming up when we had the opening earlier in the week and it was pretty much unanimous when we discussed you again today. Keep in mind, we had almost 30 other dads in the league who had coaching experience and we chose you. It's a pretty nice honor."

Me: "…"

Farm Division Director: "Are you still there?" – January 21, 2012 (approximately 2:30 PM)

==

Farm Division Director: "For what's it worth, I think you've got a pretty good team. I had the first overall pick and chose the best player on the board for you. Unfortunately, the team that has first pick on players has the last pick on team name, so…"

Me: "So, what's our team name?"

Farm Division Director: "You're the A's. Nobody else wanted them." – January 21, 2012

==

Farm Division Director: "Here's a copy of your team's practice schedule and the entire roster. Every team has 11 players. You'll want to start calling the parents to introduce yourself right away."

Me: [Looks at roster.] "This…isn't my roster."

Farm Division Director: "Are you sure? Oh, my bad. I'll get you the correct roster later today."

(Later that same day…)

Farm Division Director: "Here's the correct roster, Aaron."

Me: [Looks at roster.] "There are only 10 players on it. I thought every team had 11 players."

Farm Division Director: "Are you sure? Oh, wait…60 players…divided by six teams…that IS ten. My bad." -- January 22, 2012

==

Me: "Hi, my name is Aaron Cameron and I'm calling to welcome your son to the A's team in the Farm Division! I'll be the manager of the…"

Child's Father: "Wait…did you say Farm? My son tried out for the next level up. He shouldn't be in Farm."

Me: "Oh. Well, to be honest, I wasn't part of the player evaluations. I was assigned a team just yesterday. But, I'll be glad to contact the league about…"

Child's Father: "Can you do it, like, now? My son shouldn't be on your team. He's too advanced for your level." – From the first player/parent phone call I made…January 22, 2012

==

Me: [Reviewing 'Managers' Responsibilities' email.] "Hey, the manager gets to determine the uniform colors. I'm going with white pants, green jerseys, green undershirts, green belts and green socks."

Mrs. Bootleg: "That's too much green."

Me: "No, it's not. It's the same uniform that the real A's wear."

Mrs. Bootleg: "Why don't you go with yellow undershirts?"

Me: "The real A's don't wear yellow undershirts."

Mrs. Bootleg: "…" – January 23, 2012

2012 NFL Playoff Pickery -- AFC/NFC Championship

2012-01-22T08:14:00.000-08:00

Last Week

Joe: 2-2 (1-3 vs. spread)
Aaron: 3-1 (3-1 vs. spread)

Overall

Joe: 5-3 (5-3 vs. spread)
Aaron: 5-3 (5-3 vs. spread)

Baltimore at New England (-6.5)

Joe: Let's get it out of the way right now: the Ravens defense is not what it once was. New England's going to be able to score on them. But after all this talk of how pathetic the Ravens' offense looked against the Texans, it should be remembered that Houston's defense is waaaaaaay better than New England's. Look, real talk: I don't want the Patriots in the Super Bowl. I don't want two weeks of the media finding new ways to say the same old shit about Brady and Belichick, inventing brand new hero stories to tell about Wes Welker and Rob Gronkowski. So if the Ravens could just do me a solid and exploit that weak Pats defense, get Tom Brady to make a few mistakes, maybe knock Welker out of the game at some point, that would really be the best for me personally. I am, however, a pessimist. New England 27, Baltimore 23

Aaron: If the experts are to be believed, then the case for the Patriots is that Joe Flacco is the quarterback of Ravens. And, while I doubt this phenomenon merits a mention within anyone's contrived "gambling manifesto" (sponsored by hindsight!) I do think if your team's key to victory is the debatable competency of the other team's quarterback, then you're setting yourself up for some hubristic sh*t, son. The Patriots' shaky defense was their most frequently reported shortcoming, but there are other cracks within the sanctimonious bunker-that-Belichick-built. The Pats had trouble putting away opponents at times and a potentially close score plays into the Ravens' strength (defense) while negating their weakness (Flacco). And, after Welker got his bell rung in Pittsburgh in late October, the Pats' offense never really regained that over-the-middle passing approach. Have I talked myself into a Ravens' upset in which Flacco does just enough to win and Baltimore's defense makes a late stand? Yup. Baltimore 24, New England 21

NY Giants at San Francisco (-2)

Joe: I will gladly eat crow on underestimating the Giants (and/or overestimating the Packers) last week. That was an incredibly impressive display. And if their defense can shut down an offense as potent as Green Bay's, it's hard to imagine how the 49ers will score much at all. Meanwhile, the Niners deserve to be credited for going blow-for-blow with the Saints in that insane 4th quarter last week. But up until then, they'd been the recipient of some crazy luck and some uncharacteristically bad Drew Brees throws. Not that Eli Manning hasn't been known to lay an egg either, but at some point, he really did stop being the big choker all the Manning-haters wanted him to be. There's a danger I'm picking too much with my heart here, but ... NY Giants 31, San Francisco 20

Aaron: It's been more than 15 years since the 49ers were this relevant this late in January. As someone who vividly remembers their insufferable fanbase throughout the 1980s and early 1990s, I can't say I was rooting for it. Over the past week, the 49ers' win over the Saints has been indelibly stained with "clutch-y" clichés and the never-ending after-party for QB Alex Smith -- who unquestionably played the best game of his mediocre career. But, even as the Saints gifted and re-gifted the 49ers with a multitude of turnovers, the game was in doubt until the final few seconds. I like another close game this week due to the Giants' ferocious defensive front slowing down the 49ers offense and the likelihood that Eli Manning will have a few of his patented "bad Eli" drives. But, as the 49ers have proven in the playoffs, it's the last drive that matters. NY Giants 27, San Francisco 24

TMAILBAG: The Waffle Epilogue

2012-01-17T23:11:00.000-08:00

Beatríz writes:

I loved your post on the awful chicken and waffles. You mentioned how waffles have returned to your life since Mrs. Bootleg went on an overseas business trip. Wasn't that the same time period in which you invented "bourbon waffles"? I'm certain you tweeted about this, but did I miss the TBG post? I can't find it, if you did.

Also: while it probably doesn't qualify for your "breakfast entree syrupy trinity", you should consider a new category for crepes if you're not already a fan. They kick french toast's ass.

Y'know...I think I've had crepes, like, once. Not too long ago, there was a very brief "crepes craze" here in Southern California that saw several pretentious cafés open and close in less than a calendar year. I presume most of those places became $5.00 cupcake cafés. I'll make an effort to give crepes another try -- especially if they're served urban-style.

And, I can't claim credit for the bourbon waffles. That delicious creation came courtesy of a dear family friend, who made the following waffle-related suggestion on my Facebook page:

I recommend you make half the batch [of waffle batter] with a fistful of chocolate chips for J and then thin the rest of the batter out with a shot or two of Kentucky Bourbon for yours and have breakfast for dinner while the wife's away the right way!

What? Well, what do YOU use Facebook for?!

She just so happens to be the brains behind this kick-ass baking endeavor so her words carry weight. After my son Jalen annihilated two chocolate chip waffles and half a package of breakfast sausage, I filled a shot glass with Maker's Mark and added it to the remaining batter. I then stirred in some chopped cooked bacon (three strips, if I remember correctly) and let the goodness hit the griddle.

Bacon-bourbon waffles? "Jalen, get daddy the GOOD plate."

Sweet and salty. Smoky, vanilla-y and bourbon-y. The finished product was soo-POIB. ProTip #1: Do yourself a favor and spend the 10 minutes it takes to make a batch of waffle batter from scratch. ProTip #2: Don't use pre-cooked bacon. I mean you could ignore either rule, but the flavors are much more pronounced without the prepackaged batter-powder and pig parts.

I'm not sure crepes can compare to this, Beatríz.

TBG Eats: Chicken & Waffles from Urge Gastropub

2012-01-15T15:02:00.000-08:00

Current Weight: 171.4 lbs.

If I were to rank the members of the "breakfast entree syrupy trinity", I'd place pancakes first with waffles second and French toast taking third. Over the course of my lifetime, there hasn't been much movement among them. As everyone knows, at the center point of every pancake -- and in strict accordance with the laws of gastronomic geometry -- the soaked-up butter and syrup merge to produce the most perfect bite of pretty much any meal.

But, waffles are finally making some noise within the kitchen at Stately Bootleg Manor.

Sure, they've always had the advantage of those built-in miniature syrup n' butter buckets -- each one's contents remaining undisturbed until its eventual knife-and-fork-fueled evisceration. It's just that, to me, waffles have always been a bit one-dimensional when compared to the pancake. For example, pancakes allow for the kind of porcine opportunities that gave the world pigs-in-a-blanket and bacon pancakes. Waffles, while delicious, are blocky and boring. This assessment applies to both domestic and Belgian -- sorry, I've never understood the allure of fruit and whipped cream toppings at the breakfast table.

Last month, my wife spent a week overseas on business, so I was tasked with all of the parental responsibilities. I'm told these include -- but are NOT limited to -- feeding our son. By the third night of Mrs. Bootleg's European adventure, the Cameron men were settling for "breakfast-as-dinner". In this case, it was the chocolate chip waffles I've been making for Jalen for the past year or so. Since then, he's asked for them again and again -- along with the super-sized side of sausage I give him.

I thought I'd be experiencing a bit of a waffle-reprieve last weekend when my good friend Thai came down from Long Beach to visit San Diego for the day. When he was finally free, we kicked around some eating/drinking options before agreeing on a relatively new local entry in the trendy gastropub population -- Urge.

For those who don't know, I live in a section of San Diego known as Rancho Bernardo. We're about 30-40 minutes north of downtown and well east of the ubiquitous beach scene. "RB" -- as it's known -- skews heavy with retirees and the main drag draws down its shade between 8:00 PM and 8:30 PM. (All blue-haired hell broke loose several years ago when a Hooters opened up less than a half-mile from my job.)

So, it was a bit surprising when the young adult-leaning Urge opened. Ironically, it's a bit hidden and tucked between two of RB's older -- in both structure and clientele -- establishments: a regional chain restaurant called Coco's and a wine bar known as The Barrel Room. I visited Urge for the first time last October and I've been back nearly a half-dozen times. The consistent theme in my Urge experiences is that the beers were terrific, but the food...not so much. Not even close, actually.

Thai and I arrived at Urge last Saturday night just before 5:30 PM. The layout of the place has always fascinated me. As you walk in, the proverbial "bar scene" -- stools, long counter, visible beer taps and flat-screen TVs -- is on the right, while the negligibly less noisy (and TV-free) dining area is on the left. The two sides are mostly divided by a wall that kinda-sorta keeps one group from bleeding into the other. Since we envisioned a more leisurely-paced dinner, we opted for the dining side.

Speaking of leisurely, the initial visit from our server took longer than I thought it should, considering the restaurant was roughly half-empty at this point. (By 6:00 PM, it was packed.) After a few more minutes, however, a Karl Strauss "Off the Rails" Red Trolley was in my hand and its smooth toffee and caramel notes were pleasing my palate.

Since Thai and I are cut from the same gluttonous cloth, we both ordered the chicken and waffles and a bowl of their House Cracker Jack as an appetizer. The description of the Cracker Jack hooked me in:

Freshly popped [popcorn] and topped with sweet and spicy house-made caramel, house-cured maple-pork cracklins and pine nuts.

Unfortunately, our appetizer arrived to our table at the same time as the entrees. The server was apologetic and thoughtful enough to offer up an explanation, but this always drives me crazy. Or, as I wrote in a related non sequitur from a TBG post in September 2010:

I want to enjoy my Southwestern Pizza Fingers or Million Dollar Birthday Fries BEFORE my hobo chicken chili is brought out.

My first few bites of the Cracker Jack -- sweet, but not cloyingly so -- paired well with my beer. I didn't pick up much of the "spicy" from the house-made caramel, but its texture was light and left the glorious saltiness of the bite-sized pork slabs (cracklins) unaffected. After a few handfuls of Cracker Jack, I turned to my entree. Naturally, when I attempted to revisit the appetizer a few minutes later, the caramel had hardened and our bowl of popcorn had become a permanent popcorn ball. What I had was decent, but this really needed more salt so that the popcorn could play off the caramel.

The menu description of the chicken and waffles was equally appetizing:

Buttermilk-fried "Mary's Farm" organic free-range chicken, buttermilk waffles and maple syrup.

And, the end result was equally disappointing. I mean, I've eaten enough soul food-restaurant chicken and waffles to know and appreciate "no frills", but the comically sparse garnish and overall plate presentation left a lot to be desired. The waffles were simple, but acceptable. Good buttermilk flavor with a crisp exterior, although I'd have preferred they were served warmer -- and with butter.

The failure was with the fried chicken. If I Google "buttermilk fried chicken", I get images like this on my screen. Thick and "wrinkly" battered-skin, golden-brown exterior. The very overcooked version I was served at Urge was coated in meal and fried as if it were catfish. The impenetrable breading is necessary for the delicate flesh of a fish. Chicken is too dense to be leather breaded and bound as it was here.

It was also unbelievably devoid of flavor. No salt, no pepper, no cayenne, no paprika...nothing. Thai and I had to ask for bottles of commercial hot sauce just so we could taste something on the chicken. And, even though I've developed a taste for the dark meat of chicken in recent months, I was surprised that my server didn't offer me a choice or -- if only dark meat is available -- that the menu didn't call this out. I didn't ask when I ordered, but knowing how fiercely loyal the fried chicken segregationists can be to their preferred pigmentation, it's something Urge's servers should consider.

I think I've eaten from a large enough sample size at Urge to simply take a pass on their food going forward. In previous visits, I tried -- among other things -- the Mini Corn Dog Lollipops (nice idea, really greasy and unspectacular execution); the Coconut Porter wings (thin flavorless sauce, overcooked); the Short Rib Sliders (tough meat, overpowering mustard and pickles) and the Urge Grilled Cheese (ten parts bread, one part everything else).

Their beer menu, however, comes with my highest recommendation. Urge claims to serve the largest tap list in San Diego's North County region. Updated daily, it includes several highly-regarded brews from local landmarks like Stone, Pizza Port, Karl Strauss and Green Flash. They offer another 50 or so by the bottle. There's an obvious solution to my reservations with the food at Urge.

Make a right turn when you enter through the front door and order a beer.

Grade (House Cracker Jack): 2 (out of 5)

Grade (Waffles) 2.5 (out of 5)

Grade (Chicken) -5 (out of 5)

2012 NFL Playoff Pickery -- Divisional Weekend

2012-01-14T11:42:00.000-08:00

Last Week

Joe: 3-1 (4-0 vs. spread)
Aaron: 2-2 (2-2 vs. spread)

New Orleans (-3) at San Francisco

Joe: So now I have the added pressure of a 4-0 record against the spread to defend, and this game is just waiting to ruin everything for me, right off the bat. I hate this matchup. New Orleans is clearly the better team, but I still don't fully trust them outdoors on the road (I know this is superstitious hooey, but STILL), and the Niners defense is having one of those seasons where nobody scores against them. Why do I have visions of them grinding this game to a halt? The one silver lining for a Saints victory? Their defense is I think good enough to keep the okay San Fran offense from beating them. But I have zero confidence in this pick (...unless it pans out). New Orleans 24, San Francisco 16

Aaron: Ever since it became evident that the 49ers would secure at least the #2 playoff seed in the NFC (so, like, two or three months ago) I've been excited at the prospect of laying real money against them here. In what I can only assume is an homage to the 20-year anniversary of the release of Tecmo Super Bowl, the Niners have an eight-play offensive playbook for QB Alex Smith. And, hey, it's worked. But, against the game's elite teams, you're going to need more than "I'm going to give it to Gore and everybody block" or "Go long, you guys". I've seen enough stats about the stout San Francisco run defense to convince me this won't be a cakewalk for New Orleans. Conversely, I'd like to introduce you to the Saints passing game. New Orleans 30, San Francisco 28

Denver at New England (-13)

Joe: I will admit that even though I won by taking Denver with the points last week, they won in a manner that I completely didn't expect. Tebow made some pretty sweet looking long throws and the offense pretty much moved down the field at will -- though they struggled scoring from within the 20. And that was against a GOOD defense! As a Patriots-hater, it makes me absolutely giddy to imagine what they might be able to do against New England's sorry defenders. That's not to say that the Pats can't still win in a shootout -- or that Tebow's inaccurate arm could return and doom his team -- but I'm more confident taking the points this week than I was last week. New England 38, Denver 31

Aaron: Patriots fans are said to be as nervous about this game as any ever played during the Belichick/Brady era. Yes, I know it's all part of the hype-driven narrative, but as Joe wrote above -- ~~"Happy learned how to putt!"~~ Tebow learned how to throw. What Tebow hasn't learned, though, is how to win a shootout against a very good offense. During the regular season, the Broncos went into Minnesota and won 35-32 -- against an opponent that started rookie Christian Ponder at quarterback and didn't play All-Pro RB Adrian Peterson who missed the game due to injury. The Patriots have a slightly more accomplished QB and their best player won't be on the sidelines. (Their best player is also their quarterback, but you know what I'm driving at.) New England 40, Denver 21

Houston at Baltimore (-7)

Joe: Houston looked very impressive in beating Cincinnati last week, and if they were the ones playing New England this week, I'd be gleefully picking an upset. Even now, the combination of Arian Foster and a vastly improved defense (can we all agree now that Wade Phillips is a brilliant defensive coordinator who should never be allowed to head coach again?) poses a very real threat to the Ravens. But ultimately, I think the Ravens D will force TJ Yates into the one or two mistakes that will be their downfall. But I like this one well enough to take the points. Baltimore 23, Houston 17

Aaron: Impressive? I guess I was less enamored with Houston beating the #6 seed at home by three touchdowns since they used the tried-and-true Arian Foster formula (step 1: give him the ball). "Impressive" will be if they can do it against a Ravens defense that held Foster to 49 yards rushing when these two teams met back in mid-October. Texans QB TJ Yates has completed 20 passes in a game just once in his six starts and his coaching staff kept the play-calling extremely conservative. That seems to play right into the hands of a Ravens team that unleashes several nationally-televised -- albeit unwatchable -- 17-9 final scores on an unsuspecting public each year. Baltimore 17, Houston 9

NY Giants at Green Bay (-9)

Joe: Oh, Giants fans. That was a great victory last week. You should be proud of your team. And if they can manage to retain Hakeem Nicks and Victor Cruz next year, you've got a lot to be optimistic about. But I hope you weren't listening to sports talk this week, with all its smoke-blowing about the game earlier this year and how the Giants have the best chance to beat the Packers. This won't end well for you, and it's best that you know it. Green Bay 45, NY Giants 20

Aaron: The Giants' innate ability to play up or down to the level of their competition is absolutely fascinating to me. This is a team that lost twice to the Redskins and dropped two home games against the mediocre Seahawks and Eagles. What's it mean here? Well, I think the Giants won't be run off the field. They're built to go blow for blow with the Packers on offense and even though Green Bay is a more formidable scoring machine, I think New York's defensive front will be the proverbial equalizer. Think I squeezed enough tired sports clichés in there? Here's one more: on a game-winning field goal in overtime...NY Giants 30, Green Bay 27

The LL Chronicles #12: Meet the Blue Team!

2012-01-10T21:23:00.000-08:00

Tryouts for the 2012 Spring Little League season will be held this weekend and my seven-year-old son Jalen will attempt to move up to the 8-to-10-year-old division. I was asked to come back and manage a team after leading Jalen's fall squad to a .667 winning percentage. (Hey, they wouldn't keep score if they DIDN'T want me to incessantly mention it.) I'm taking a wait-and-see approach on my next managerial gig, but thankfully, the memories from this past fall are still fresh in my mind.

Before I blog-embark on another season of "Baseball Jalen" tales, I wanted to revisit my son's fall team and share their individual, uh…scouting reports. As always, don't be fooled by any prickly assessments below. These were a great group of kids that I enjoyed tremendously – for the most part.

Joseph -- Always cheerful and never without an ear-to-ear grin, Joseph fit the "good chemistry/good teammate" cliché perfectly. He never complained when I penciled him in to play the more unpalatable positions and he contributed enough with the glove and the bat to become one of my more indispensible players. Speaking of his bat...late in the season, he ditched his 27-inch stick in favor of a 30-inch model. The three inch difference might seem negligible, but at the plate, it appeared he had traded in his bat for a boat paddle. Eventually, Joseph choked-up enough to completely negate the extra length. This eerily-accurate artist's rendition might better explain the imagery. MLB Equivalent: Placido Polanco

Abhi -- In an early season game, the Blue Team was clinging to a 9-8 lead in the top of the final inning -- two outs and the tying run on third base -- when the opposing batter hit a weak dribbler up the third base line. Abhi, who was playing catcher, ran up the line in pursuit of the ball as the runner on third broke for home plate. Somehow, Abhi scooped up the ball and reached back in time to tag the runner who had just passed him on the base path. An ecstatic Abhi struck a pose similar to this over the fallen, sobbing baserunner.

Abhi might've been too intense for an eight-year-old as he was the one driven to tears after an excruciating loss in which he struck out to end the game. In the dugout, one of my coaches -- an older man with a thick Boston accent -- consoled Abhi (AH-bee), but kept mispronouncing his name as "AY-bee". "My name is ABHI!", he shrieked before storming off. I don't know about Abhi, but the whole scene cheered me up. MLB Equivalent: Ivan (pronounced "eee-VAHN") Rodriguez

Jake -- The left-handed half of my regular 3-4 middle of the order, Jake was never hard to miss. He'd erupt in over-the-top mock excitement whenever I played him at a position he liked (first base) or over-the-top mock disappointment whenever I played him at a position he didn't like (everywhere else). Jake wore blindingly tie-dyed tank tops to every practice and established unbreakable Little League single-season records for flatulence, belches and all other qualifying bodily functions. Before you roll your eyes, keep in mind that the fall season is less than half the length of the spring season. Less than half! MLB Equivalent: Matt Stairs

Nicholas -- The right-handed half of my regular 3-4 middle of the order, Nicholas was the quiet, inconspicuous response to Jake. Built like a baby bull with bright blonde old-school Eminem hair, he could hit a ton. On defense, however, he would've been the first seven-year-old designated hitter if our league allowed it. He shuffled after fly balls as if he were stuck in the mud. He'd bend down for groundballs with a groan, a grimace and what appeared to be an adolescent arthritic hip. In all seriousness, few players made me smile more. (With or without the infamous Nickel Piss anecdote. But, mostly with it.) MLB Equivalent: John Kruk

Garrett -- There weren't many players on my team who tried harder to hit the ball. Unfortunately, there weren't many players on my team who were less successful at it. Garrett picked up a few hits early in the season, but then went into a prolonged hitless slump at the plate that he was never able to shake. My coaches and I tried everything from extra batting practice before games to hitting wiffle balls off a tee behind the dugout during games. I even tried my hand at amateur psychology by ensuring he always hit in front of a pair of five-year-old teammates who'd never played above tee-ball. Nothing seemed to work. Late in one game, he returned to the dugout stone-faced after another strikeout and told me, "Coach, I don't want to hit any more today, but I will if you really need me." Sometimes this game sucks. MLB Equivalent: Darin Erstad

LB -- I never learned what "LB" stood for, but the obvious and, admittedly, laziest guess is "linebacker". He was only five-years-old and couldn't have weighed more than 40 lbs., but he approached the game of baseball with a football player's mentality. He desperately wanted to go behind the plate to catch, but the protective equipment didn't fit him. Instead, over the course of the season, he ended up on the business end of three separate collisions with baserunners elsewhere on the infield. Each time, he'd scrunch his face up -- mightily fighting back tears that never dared to materialize -- and refuse to leave the game.

He was just as passionate on offense. A decent little left-handed hitter, LB never really embraced the inherent ebb and flow of the game's successes and failures. After one at-bat (an RBI groundout) LB walked back to our bench and flung his batting helmet the entire length of the dugout. I took one step towards him, when his mother -- a currently-enlisted U.S. Marine -- left the stands, stormed past me and marched into my dugout to deal with LB. Let's move on. MLB Equivalent: Any adorable, yet terrifying MLB team logo

Harshal -- His dad informed me that Harshal's only previous athletic experience was cricket. This was after the first month of the season, as the little guy didn't join our team until the fourth or fifth game. After he entered the dugout for the first time, he noticed Jalen's high socks and immediately pulled his up over the baggy legs of his ill-fitting baseball pants. The end result was more Jane Fonda than Jackie Robinson. Harshal, by the way, was also hilariously terrified of me. He'd meekly call out to his dad whenever I stepped in his direction and my coaching – delivered to him gently, always on one knee in my best imitation of a paternal tone – bounced right off his frightened face. I'll always remember him for (1) the RBI infield single that scored the go-ahead run against our archrivals and (2) the odd way he'd nod in acknowledgment of something I said – not up and down, but instead side to side. I think you better recognize. MLB Equivalent: David Eckstein

Justin -- My first prima donna! Justin was fundamentally sound on defense, a terrific hitter...and he knew it. He'd stare down any teammate in the vicinity of second base who failed to cover the bag when Justin was readying a throw from shortstop. After the final out, he'd walk right up to me and orally itemize his in-game accomplishments in hopes of securing some recognition in my postgame speech to the kids. And, after our first loss, he loudly proclaimed to no one in particular, "I wish I was still on my spring team. We won the championship." He also lost his cap at some point and absolutely bawled like a baby during the 30 seconds it took for me to reach into the equipment bag and give him another. I thought you should know. MLB Equivalent: Jack Parkman

Jazz -- YES…like the Autobot! Five-year-old Jazz was roughly half the size of Justin with twice the ego, but none of the insufferable attributes. Trust me…the "characteristic mathematics" check out. Jazz wore gold chains around his neck and a single batting glove on his left hand – at all times. His cheering section was easily the largest and loudest (naturally) in the league as every Jazz at-bat was accompanied by a cavalcade of cell phone camera clicks and "Jazz-EE, Jazz-EE" chants. In one game, he tried to stretch a single to very, very shallow centerfield into a double. He was out by 50 feet, but, as I'm sure he'd be the first to admit…he looked good doin' it. MLB Equivalent: Deion Sanders

Jason -- Halfway through the season, Jason settled in as my permanent leadoff hitter – an odd accomplishment when you consider baseball was often the last thing on his mind. On defense, he'd dance around in small circles and carry on animated conversations with the air around him. At the plate, he'd goof off for a few pitches (wearing his batting helmet backwards or using silly, intentionally-twisted batting stances) before whacking another hit. He was completely resistant to my discipline, but during one game, he acted up in the dugout on my wife's watch. Mrs. Bootleg was my de facto bench coach for most of the season and let's just say she got him to sit down. No, I won't explain. MLB Equivalent: Manny Ramirez

Aiden -- He and I got off to a great start when he begged out of our first game after one at-bat. No reason…he just didn't want to play anymore. Later in the season, he ran afoul of my de facto bench coach by scaling the chain-link walls of our dugout before Mrs. Bootleg…"got him to sit down". It wasn't long before I simply shifted my focus to the kids who wanted to be there. What's that you ask? Why didn't I exhibit the same indifferent attitude towards any of the other kids who acted up? It's because the other kids could hit. Have none of you ever watched professional sports and the double-standards that define them? MLB Equivalent: Milton Bradley

Collin -- He always swung the bat with ferocity and his intimidating "game face" -- an omnipresent scowl with one or two missing front teeth -- reminded me of... this guy. (Just in the face! Just in the face!) After the first month of the season, Collin's swing got really long. But, before the strikeouts could pile too high, he took my intricate advice ("Relax, Collin. Nice level swing. Free and easy. See ball, hit ball.") to heart and turned his fortunes around. MLB Equivalent: Dustin Pedroia

After the season, Collin handed me an envelope with a card enclosed that read:

Dear Coach Cameron,

Thank you for being my coach. I had a lot of fun on your team. I think our team played well. I learned to swing level, not like in golf, from you. I hope I can be on your team again.

Love,

Collin

And, sometimes this game is great.

2012 NFL Playoff Pickery -- Wildcard Weekend

2012-01-07T10:25:00.000-08:00

Last Week

Aaron: 12-4
Joe: 10-6

Current Standings

Aaron: 169-87
Joe: 169-87

After 17 weeks and innumerable smarmy barbs, Joe and I tied in this year's NFL Pickery. Tied. For the first time ever. I blew a decent-sized lead early and Joe lost his lead late. Regrettably, I showed no faith in my Oakland Raiders in September and October, while Joe might've had too much trust in Tim Tebow in the regular season's final two weeks. There is, of course, only one contrived way of settling this once and for all. More picks! This time with ambiguous tiebreakers that I haven't thought up yet!

Cincinnati at Houston (-3)

Joe: What a travesty these AFC playoffs are. Three garbage teams and three more with glaringly fatal flaws. And one of them is going to be making the Super Bowl. Anyway, it's not Houston's fault they're garbage. They had garbage thrust upon them with a string of unfortunate injuries. Meanwhile, this Bengals team is probably not as bad as they're being touted to be, the fact is that all nine of their wins came against non-playoff teams and all seven losses came against teams in the playoffs. They've pretty much established their position in the hierarchy. Houston 23, Cincinnati 17

Aaron: I cannot remember the last time two relatively nondescript, narrative-free teams met in the postseason of a professional sport -- outside of Major League Baseball's first-round Division Series or the 16-team socialism program that passes for playoffs in the NBA or NHL. As Joe writes above, there's a good case to be made for why the Bengals should lose this game, but I think their decent run defense is capable slowing down -- not to be confused with shutting down -- all-world Texans RB Arian Foster. This would put the game in the hands of banged-up third-string Houston QB T.J. Yates at some point. Not the most soothing sentence ever written. Cincinnati 21, Houston 20

Detroit at New Orleans (-9.5)

Joe: I am tempted to go against my first instincts on all four games this weekend, because that's how the Wild Card round usually goes for me. But this one ... defense that can't stop anyone versus offense that can't be stopped? Trying not to outsmart myself here. New Orleans 41, Detroit 21

Aaron: The Lions have indeed been playing at an Arena Football level on offense over the past few weeks. But, since their October 30 upset loss to St. Louis' execrable NFL entry, the Saints haven't allowed more than 24 points to an opponent -- including the Falcons (twice), the Giants and (wait for it) the Lions. New Orleans 38, Detroit 14

Atlanta at NY Giants (-3)

Joe: Ugh. This game. I've fully swallowed the party line on the Giants this week -- they're a hidden dragon in the NFC who are getting healthy at the right time and could pose a unique threat to a Green Bay. I've also bought the line on the Falcons -- soft and unable to hang with the big boys (they beat a grand total of two teams with winning records this season). Dome team playing in the frigid cold. The only thing giving me any kind of pause is my utter certainty. When was the last time THAT worked out for me? NY Giants 28, Atlanta 24

Aaron: I've gone back and forth on this game all week. There have been WAY too many references to the Giants' 2007 Super Bowl-winning season in response to the late run of good health that the 2011 team is experiencing. While I'm concerned enough about Eli Manning's time-tested ability to inexplicably wet the bed against bad teams in any given week; the best-kept secret in football might be Falcons QB Matt Ryan and his intermittent disappearing acts against good ones. NY Giants 34, Atlanta 14

Pittsburgh (-8) at Denver

Joe: Oh GOD. This damned game. It's like the universe is conspiring to give me every reason to take Tebow and the points. I've found Pittsburgh to be weaker than they've appeared all season. They lost their running back. Big Ben is injured. They've got other players with altitude sickness or whatever. Isn't this exactly the kind of team Denver could grind down long enough for something stupid to happen? St. Timothy of Gainesville hasn't pulled off anything miraculous in the last few weeks, but the Broncos defense only has to fall on top of an inopportune fumble in the fourth quarter before his halo starts shining again. I can't even stomach making this pick. Pittsburgh 16, Denver 14

Aaron: This seems like one of those games that gamblers will hate themselves for on Monday morning. Throw out last week's 7-points-allowed performance against the Chiefs' laughable offense and it's clear that the Broncos' defense should shoulder a lot of the blame for the team's recent malaise. Tim Tebow was his usual inefficient self in losses to New England and Buffalo -- just without the reachable three-point deficit late in the game. Up until now, I was in agreement with Joe: an ugly, low-scoring game that would, in some way, be impacted by all of Pittsburgh's injuries and trace elements of Tebow mojo. Sometimes, however, an obviously better team beats the ever-lovin' sh*t out of an obviously inferior one. Pittsburgh 31, Denver 0

2011 NFL Pickery -- Week #17

2012-01-01T08:28:00.000-08:00

Last Week

Aaron: 14-2
Joe: 11-5

Current Standings

Joe: 159-81
Aaron: 157-83

San Francisco at St. Louis

Aaron: The 49ers are still fighting for the #2 playoff seed in the NFC (and accompanying first week bye). I suppose that's enough of a carrot for a contender, but let's give 'em a game against the league's JV team, just to make sure. Pick: San Francisco

Joe: One more dose of empty calories for the Niners to feed on before the playoffs. (Until they get a home game against the Saints which matches up for them better than I would like to admit right now.) Pick: San Francisco

Washington at Philadelphia

Aaron: Three weeks ago, when the Eagles sat at 5-8, I predicted they'd run the table to finish at .500. I expect some variation of that blurb to appear on the back cover of "The Best of Aaron and Joe's NFL Pickery -- 2011 Edition". Look for it in your favorite bookstore alongside all the unsold copies of "Grantland Quarterly". Pick: Philadelphia

Joe: ZIIIING! Anyway, look for the narrative for this game to be a referendum on Andy Reid's coaching career in Philly. Because a decade-long tenure as head coach should absolutely be boiled down to a meaningless game against the worst team in one's division. Pick: Philadelphia

Detroit at Green Bay

Aaron: Most of the Packers' starters are expected to be out of the game by halftime. The Lions, meanwhile, are still fighting for the fifth or sixth NFC playoff seed and -- if the season-long "undisciplined" narrative is to be believed -- seem like the kind of team that would take too much pride in knocking off the Packers' skeleton crew. Pick: Detroit

Joe: You'd have thought the Lions would have been able to exploit the Packers' weak-ish defense on Thanksgiving, but we all saw how that turned out. Still, they do seem to be properly motivated to grab that higher playoff seeding. Detroit at the Giants could be a verrrry interesting Wild Card matchup. Pick: Detroit

Tennessee at Houston

Aaron: The Texans played an extremely conservative offense against the worst team in the league last week and lost. This week, they're likely to rest at least some of their skill players AND face a Titans team that's still in the playoff hunt. Then again, if everyone's fantasy football season is any indication, whichever team has RB Chris Johnson is the one guaranteed to be disappointed, yes? Pick: Tennessee

Joe: There's no reason for me to take the Texans other than the fact that everybody else is taking Tennessee, and there is no way they're good enough to be a unanimous pick. This is the analysis I've been dropping for five seasons, folks. Pick: Houston

Indianapolis at Jacksonville

Aaron: Remember when the Colts rested their starters and lost a chance at an undefeated regular season a few years ago? Ironically enough, if the Colts play hard here and lose their chance to be the worst team in the league, the Monday morning media firestorm could be comparable. Yup. Pick: Jacksonville

Joe: I think the Jags have the edge here even if Indy does try. Pick: Jacksonville

NY Jets at Miami

Aaron: Historically, doesn't EVERY underachieving New York sports team that enters their final game/series of the season fighting for a playoff spot against an inferior team (on paper) lose? I can't be bothered to look it up, so I'll assume it's true. Pick: Miami

Joe: So while the offseason is spent speculating about Rex Ryan's job security, let's hope nobody pays attention to the fact that their run game is garbage and their defense isn't close to as fearsome as it once was. But it's not like they need better players or anything. Pick: NY Jets

Chicago at Minnesota

Aaron: The Adrian Peterson ACL/MCL injury is kind of big story that, strangely, seemed to be under-reported. It's understandable, I suppose. It happened late in a forgettable season for Minnesota -- on Christmas Eve, no less -- and Peterson's immense talent doesn't even have enough wattage to overshadow the team's QB drama in recent years. On the plus side, I didn't see one "What Peterson's Injury Means for Your 2012 Fantasy Football Draft" feature last week, so relatively anonymity has its benefits. Pick: Chicago

Joe: Well it certainly helped deep-six my fantasy championship game, so I, for one, would have appreciated such a feature. Still, Toby Gerhart has been a capable fill-in, and the Vikings manage to hang in pretty much every game. Meanwhile, if you told me the entire Bears team just got prescribed an anti-depressant, I would not be surprised. Pick: Minnesota

Buffalo at New England

Aaron: One of my readers suggested a post that segregated every blurb Joe wrote about his Bills and every one I wrote about my Raiders this season. Not sure which I'd enjoy more: my militant pessimism or Joe's perfect bell curve of optimism. Pick: New England

Joe: Here's all I'm going to say to close out this bummer of a season: if we could somehow manage to pull this game out (talent disparity aside, we're kind of a bad matchup for them this season), sweep the season series, and cost the Pats the #1 seed? I would be very satisfied with that. Pick: New England

Carolina at New Orleans

Aaron: For those seeking closure, I finished second in my fantasy football money league this season. My opponent started three Saints players, including QB Drew Brees -- who used the Monday Night Football stage to break a famous passing record and score a kajillion points. I will now join the rest of you in hating fantasy football anecdotes (until next August). Pick: Carolina

Joe: Ditto for me. Next season, remind me to tell all the fantasy experts to f*ck off and just draft a damned elite QB in the first round. You could do worse for scouting two such QBs than this game. Pick: New Orleans

Tampa Bay at Atlanta

Aaron: The Falcons are playing for playoff seeding and some of the storylines have referenced Tampa Bay's win over Atlanta earlier in the season as if it's some kind of relevant red flag. Spoiler alert: it's not. Pick: Atlanta

Joe: Tampa's crazy bad, y'all. Pick: Atlanta

Baltimore at Cincinnati

Aaron: The Ravens have been incredibly inconsistent on the road this year -- in both victory and defeat. The Bengals, on the other hand, have been consistently awful against top-tier teams -- either at home or on the road. So..something's gotta give. Right? Pick: Cincinnati

Joe: Baltimore might actually manage to nab the #1 seed in the AFC and still have nobody quite buying that they're any good. 2011 football! Pick: Baltimore

Pittsburgh at Cleveland

Aaron: I'd be surprised to see Steelers QB Ben Roethlisberger (and his wonky ankle) start, but if back-up Charlie Batch struggles -- and if the #2 playoff seed is still in doubt -- I'd expect to see Big Ben heroically limp in for the last-second win. Ben Roethlisberger. Hero. U! S! A! Pick: Pittsburgh

Joe: Batch was able to handle last week's game against the Rams well enough. The Browns have a much stingier defense, though, and I do wonder what happens if this is a 10-7 game going into the half. Pick: Pittsburgh

Seattle at Arizona

Aaron: I'm not sure I want to live in a world where two 7-8 NFC West teams aren't playing for the division title on the final weekend of the season. Yet, here we are. Pick: Arizona

Joe: I would rather watch BOTH of these teams in a playoff game next weekend than about half of the teams who will actually play. Pick: Seattle

Kansas City at Denver

Aaron: The easiest path to the playoffs for my Raiders requires the Broncos to lose at home to the Chiefs and their new starting quarterback Kyle Orton -- who was the Broncos starting QB for the first half of the 2011 season. The Chiefs aren't going to roll up 40 points against anyone, so expect another low-scoring affair with the win going to the team whose quarterback is slightly less inept. Pick: Kansas City

Joe: Tebow handed last week's game to the Bills (and just when I needed him for fantasy purposes -- where's Will Shakespeare when you REALLY need him??), but weirdly enough I think that religion thing he's always going on about will actually help him avoid wallowing in a shame spiral and carrying it into this game. No time to wallow when there's glorying God to be done! Pick: Denver

San Diego at Oakland

Aaron: My Raiders could've put this division away at several points earlier in the season. Instead, they wasted back-to-back intradivision opportunities at home (against Kansas City and Denver) and crapped the bed against a beatable Miami team on the road. Even in victory, the Raiders haven't dominated an opponent from beginning to end. I suppose wins are wins, but if this Raiders team trailed late and had to march 80 yards to victory, would you bet on them or against them? Sigh...me, too. Pick: San Diego

Joe: It's a sad way to end the season, but at least you've got a meaningful Week 17 game to pay attention to! ...Okay, okay, but still! Pick: San Diego

Dallas at N.Y. Giants

Aaron: Wow. I was pretty definitive with my earlier comment about "underachieving New York sports teams", huh? I used all caps and everything. Well, then. I might as well go all in. Pick: Dallas

Joe: Dallas might be a sadder team than the Bears at this point. I just want to hug the lot of them. Well, not Jerry Jones. Unless you think it'd kill him? Pick: NY Giants

2011 NFL Pickery -- Week #16

2011-12-22T17:07:00.000-08:00

Last Week

Joe: 10-6
Aaron: 9-7

Current Standings

Joe: 148-76
Aaron: 143-81

Houston at Indianapolis (Thursday Night)

Aaron: Just so we're clear…the smattering of "Oh, no, what if the Colts win one or two of their remaining games and put the #1 pick in next year's draft at risk?!" chatter isn't a real conversation that anyone has had with anyone else, right? Peter King of Sports Illustrated just needed space to fill in his weekly 12-page, single-spaced column, yes? Pick: Houston

Joe: Normally I wouldn't boast about calling the ONLY Colts win of the year last week -- without any hesitation or second-guessing or anything AND after Cam ill-advisedly taunted me, not knowing I was already making the pick -- but it's Christmas, and I'm a big believer in getting one gift for yourself. Pick: Houston

St. Louis at Pittsburgh

Aaron: The next time anyone deifies professional athletes who play hurt, I think I'll point them to last Monday night's Steelers loss when QB Ben Roethlisberger spent three hours shuffling around like one of the pre-diabetic black women who capably played the stereotypical role of "big momma" in every 1970s urban sitcom. Pick: Pittsburgh

Joe: I believe I made the same point on Monday night, only much louder, more profane, and far less in control of my own sanity. Luckily, this week, I'm not putting all my eggs in Antonio Brown's basket. Until I can see Big Ben move two steps under his own power, I'm out on the Steelers offense. Odds are, their defense can handle this one on their own. Pick: Pittsburgh

Tampa Bay at Carolina

Aaron: I'm going to do my best to avoid mentioning my fantasy football playoff run within each and every analytical blurb. But, I'm in the championship game this weekend and Panthers WR Steve Smith is one of my players. If anyone reading this knows him, I'd appreciate it if you could let him know. Pick: Carolina

Joe: Somebody call O. Henry, because I am ALSO in my league's fantasy championship, with Steve Smith on my OPPONENT's team. Cam, this could get awkward. Pick: Carolina

Denver at Buffalo

Aaron: I hate when "experts" use the weather as a talking point in picking winners. Outside of Taun-Tauns and abominable snowmen, no one likes to play in very cold conditions. I'm sure mid-to-high 30s won't qualify as "very cold" in Buffalo, but I'm willing to bet it's the coldest game that Tim Tebow has ever played in. Yup, I'm using weather as a talking point. But, as my win-loss record shows, I'm clearly not an "expert". Pick: Buffalo

Joe: I know it's ridiculous to claim that Tim Tebow is suddenly being UNDER-rated, but I do think maybe all this "Tebow Experiment's Over!" crowing after that Patriots game is a bit overblown. New England just did the one thing other teams haven't been able to do against Denver: score touchdowns in between Tebow miracle drives. He'll be back in full force this week. 5-11, here we come! Pick: Denver

N.Y. Giants at N.Y. Jets

Aaron: I think we can all agree that when the build-up to this game and the inevitable breathless aftermath leads to the collapse of all local sports-talk radio on itself, we're all winners. And, I don't even live there. Pick: NY Giants

Joe: Well, at least we know ONE of these teams won't blow a crucial game that could impact their playoff chances. Pick: NY Giants

Miami at New England

Aaron: I've got Tom Brady (and Wes Welker) on my money-league fantasy team championship this weekend. I'm playing against a guy with Drew Brees. Since the Saints don't play until Monday, the only way I'll be able to sleep comfortably on Christmas Eve is if Brady throws for six touchdowns and 800 yards. (Next year, I think I'll root for myself to miss the playoffs, so I don't have to live through this virtual ulcer again.) Pick: New England

Joe: I love that the New England fans have settled into my favorite variety of Boston sports fan: the one-week amnesiac. They win, they're unbeatable! Best offense in the business! All other teams are frauds! They lose, it's all over! Not our year! How is Brady combing his hair these days? Look for another week of making Super Bowl plans from your Pats fan friends. ("Friends.") Pick: New England

Jacksonville at Tennessee

Aaron: Forget Tennessee's loss last week to previously winless Indianapolis…this is the game that'll be the measure of the Titans' season. The Colts were at home and had played better since a recent change at quarterback. Here, the Titans are playing a terrible offensive team at home with their faint playoff hopes still alive. "So I want you to remember some inspiring words that someone else might have told you…" Pick: Tennessee

Joe: It's so hard to trust this Tennessee team! It's so hard to care about this Tennessee team! Pick: Jacksonville

Cleveland at Baltimore

Aaron: If the Ravens aren't motivated by last week's humiliating evisceration at the hands of the Chargers, then perhaps they'll kick Cleveland's ass for all the fantasy football players whose seasons were nearly ruined by Browns RB Peyton Hillis ineffectiveness. I see that Hillis ran for 99 yards and a touchdown last week, so it's obvious that he's throwing it in our faces now. Destroy him, Ravens. Pick: Baltimore

Joe: I think maybe I've figured the Ravens out. They're embracing a more modern, European style of work, wherein they work extra hard three weeks out of a month, and then take the fourth week off completely. That'll only work in the playoffs if they end up getting a bye out of the Wild Card round, so they'll need this win. Pick: Baltimore

Arizona at Cincinnati

Aaron: The Cardinals haven't been their usual awful and unwatchable selves lately. And, when that's the best thing that can be said about an NFC West team heading out on the road to play a fringe playoff contender in December… Pick: Cincinnati

Joe: Not only not-awful, they've been delightful spoilers, both at home AND on the road. The Bengals have been flirting with defeat a LOT in recent weeks, only to see themselves pull games out of their asses. This is the week it falls apart. (RIGHT?? This can't possibly be a playoff team.) Pick: Arizona

Minnesota at Washington

Aaron: Last week, it was the Giants who lost at home after a surprising road win the week before. This week, it'll be the Redskins who stumble at home after beating the Giants on the road. Wow. Picking games is easy when you find the patterns. Pick: Minnesota

Joe: Minnesota might be the best 2-win team in NFL history. I don't think the Redskins can't keep up with this team at all. Pick: Minnesota

Oakland at Kansas City

Aaron: When these two teams met earlier in the season, the Raiders were surging and the Chiefs were reeling. My friend Joe wrote "…has there ever been a Chiefs v. Raiders game that's gone the way it was expected to?" and correctly picked the Chiefs in an upset. I've gone back and forth on this game, but if I use Joe's logic, I should pick against the…Chiefs? He'd better be right about this. Pick: Oakland

Joe: I'm fairly confident that I am. Pick: Oakland

San Diego at Detroit

Aaron: The Chargers are finally healthy. In order, this will be bad news for the Lions in Detroit, the Raiders in Oakland and – if the Chargers somehow win the AFC West – Aaron in the office on January 3. Pick: San Diego

Joe: Why do they keep doing this to YOU? What have YOU ever done to deserve this shabby treatment from the Chargers? Every year, almost! That said, I think the Lions -- whose current reputation as an unstable team of savages who are falling apart before our eyes is a leeeeettle big overblown, no? -- do Cam a solid this week after tearing his heart out last week. Pick: Detroit

San Francisco at Seattle

Aaron: I know it's just the reactive nature of today's 24/7 sports news cycle, but the only thing the 49ers "proved" in defeating a 10-win Pittsburgh team is that they can beat one-legged opposing quarterbacks at home. Unless Matt Stafford or Matt Ryan or Eli Manning step on landmine between now and the second round of the playoffs…wait, I'm getting ahead of myself. Pick: San Francisco

Joe: I know what you're getting at, I agree, and I CAN'T WAIT. Pick: San Francisco

Philadelphia at Dallas

Aaron: Last week, I wrote that the Eagles could conceivably run the table and finish 8-8. If I'm going to lose this year's pool, I might as well lose with my boots on. Huh. That didn't sound nearly as inspiring as it did in my head. Pick: Philadelphia

Joe: Tony Romo, I am so scared for you right now. I am pulling for you, as always, but I'm scared. Pick: Dallas

Chicago at Green Bay

Aaron: I think back-up Bears QB Caleb Hanie's performance since Jay Cutler went down with an injury is all the apology Cutler needs for the ridiculous overreaction to Cutler's NFC Championship Game injury last January. Pick: Green Bay

Joe: AGREED. Meanwhile, I almost cannot fathom the reaction to last week's Packers loss to Kansas City. They've been exposed?? Really?? That game didn't even expose the one actual weakness the Packers have -- their lenient defense. They had ONE bad week on offense. It happens. It's an aberration. Wait for, I don't know, two losses in an entire season before performing an autopsy, huh? Pick: Green Bay

Atlanta at New Orleans

Aaron: Since I pretty much need a complete and unlikely offensive shutdown of the Saints to win my fantasy football league, I might as well guarantee that I'll hit on one of my needed outcomes by picking New Orleans here. Of course, if the Falcons lose 38-37, I'mma be pissed. Pick: New Orleans

Joe: How is New Orleans STILL sneaking up on people this late in the season? How is that possible? I guess this'll keep them from getting overconfident? Pick: New Orleans

2011 NFL Pickery -- Week #15

2011-12-15T16:49:00.000-08:00

Last Week

Aaron: 14-2
Joe: 12-4

Current Standings

Joe: 138-70
Aaron: 134-74

Jacksonville at Atlanta (Thursday Night)

Aaron: With the Jaguars victory against the Buccaneers last week, they've successfully completed the traditional "win one for the interim head coach" cliché – a mid-season treat, every year. And, now that Mel Tucker can join Eric Studesville (Broncos) and Jim Tomsula (49ers) in making recent interim history, the Falcons can commence with eviscerating Jacksonville's good vibes. Pick: Atlanta

Joe: If I'm Atlanta, I'm really happy that this game is at home and not on the unpredictable and muddy grass of whatever backwoods swamp the Jags play on, because Jacksonville is just the kind of annoying team who could trip the Falcons up. But this one's safely indoors, where Matt Ryan does his thing well. Also, if I'm Atlanta, that means I'm a giant city with not one consciousness but the combined psyche of hundreds of thousands of diverse people, two of whom are Nene Leakes and Phaedra Parks, so that would be weird. Pick: Atlanta

Dallas at Tampa Bay (Saturday Night)

Aaron: I was genuinely struck by the final few seconds of last Sunday night's Cowboys game. With the clock ticking down, cameras caught Cowboys owner Jerry Jones in his private box pleading with his head coach to call a timeout – an image that reminded me of a frantic Captain James T. Kirk helplessly screaming to Spock (who was dying on the other side of an impenetrable glass barrier) at the end of Star Trek II – The Wrath of Khan. Fun! Pick: Dallas

Joe: So here we are. Fantasy semifinals (yes, I'm just going to keep doing this). I managed to not only dodge the Big Ben and Larry Fitz bullets, I actually thrived with them. This week, I'm faced with the sad fact that my mid-season pickup MVP Demarco Murray is done for the year, and I've been forced to come crawling back to Felix Jones. Felix who treated me so poorly. Felix who never seemed to care. Felix who is facing a legendarily soft Bucs run defense, so he'd better sack up for once in his life and produce a decent stat line and also probably help his team win so they can make the playoffs. Pick: Dallas

Carolina at Houston

Aaron: Third-string QB T.J. Yates helped the Texans earn their first-ever playoff berth last week, but I can't shake the thought of a possible hangover in front of their home fans and the likelihood that they'll take their foot off the pedal at some point in the second half. Remember, kids: drinking and driving is bad, so make your references subliminal and contrived like mine. Pick: Houston

Joe: Well, we do this about once a year. My annual Too Late and Too Drunk to Make Extended Observations Week. Let's do this. I could not be more ready to support Favorite Nobody T.J. Yates. Pick: Houston

Tennessee at Indianapolis

Aaron: You've got a big enough lead over me, Joe. Be the contrarian. Pick: Tennessee

Joe: HA! Here's the thing: I have been saying to myself ALL season that I will not pick the Colts to break their streak until they are at home against division-rival Tennessee. Standing by my heretofore unspoken promise. Pick: Indianapolis

Green Bay at Kansas City

Aaron: With apologies to my favorite Canadian Packers fan, why does no one talk about Packers CB Charles Woodson in the same tone as noted effort-absent professional Oakland athletes like Randy Moss and Matt Holliday? He was burned on his first play from scrimmage as a Raider and routinely loafed in coverage and tackling while in Oakland. Sour grapes? Probably. But, still! Pick: Green Bay

Joe: Picking with Green Bay. A holiday tradition as well as smart strategy. Pick: Green Bay

Seattle at Chicago

Aaron: You know what's worse than someone else's fantasy football anecdotes? Someone else's gambling anecdotes. I've told this one a million times, though, so what's one more? Five years ago, these two teams met in the second round of the playoffs. The Bears were favored by 8 ½ points. I bet the Seahawks to cover – and paired them with two other bets in one of those three-team gambling dealies – and hit on each one. That's my one gambling story. See you all in four years when these teams meet again. Pick: Chicago

Joe: Speaking of holiday traditions! That story! Pick: Seattle

Miami at Buffalo

Aaron: I originally had "4-0 seemed so long ago, Buffalo" as my witty quip-as-analysis for this game, but then I realized the Bills actually lost their fourth game of the season after starting out 3-0. I don't know…it just doesn't read as well with "3-0", instead of "4-0", but I stand by my basic point. Pick: Miami

Joe: 5-2, my friend. And yes, it seems like several lifetimes and 37 points surrendered to Miami ago. Pick: Miami

New Orleans at Minnesota

Aaron: The Vikings have been able to find the end zone with regularity in recent weeks and against better defenses than New Orleans'. Boy, it didn't take long at all to talk myself into such a ridiculous pick. Pick: Minnesota

Joe: Two of the most fun teams to watch in the NFL. My prediction: POINTS! Pick: New Orleans

Cincinnati at St. Louis

Aaron: After investing north of $40 million in franchise quarterback Sam Bradford, the Rams haven't ruled him out for this week's game despite a high-ankle sprain that was re-aggravated last week against the Seahawks. The Rams offensive line remains an apocalyptic wasteland, so whoever is taking the snaps on Sunday will likely get splattered. Pick: Cincinnati

Joe: St. Louis. We're going to have a loooong talk when this season is over. Pick: Cincinnati

Washington at N.Y. Giants

Aaron: My favorite Giants fan, Tom, swears by an intricate set of rules to determine the outcome whenever two NFC East teams meet each other. I'm not sure what his tea leaves read this week, but I imagine it's something like "Giants at home, Redskins terrible…" Pick: NY Giants

Joe: Works for me. Pick: NY Giants

Detroit at Oakland

Aaron: During a week when my Raiders are preparing for their most important game of the season, the big news out of Oakland was the "mani/pedi" photo spread of head coach Hue Jackson in ESPN The Magazine. I cannot wait until this self-aggrandizing, narcissistic snake-oil salesman is thrown out on his ass and, inevitably, ricochets into the ESPN studios. Pick: Detroit

Joe: Not sure how self-aggrandizing a guy can be when I couldn't pick him out of a police lineup. Pick: Detroit

Cleveland at Arizona

Aaron: If you'd told me neckless wrecking ball Peyton Hillis would go from budding star to enigmatic bust from last season to this…I wouldn't have believed you. Hell, even "Ogre" from the Revenge of the Nerds movies in the 1980s is still working as an unwashed Nordic warrior in those credit card commercials. Man up, Peyton! Pick: Arizona

Joe: I am VERY much enjoying this kamikaze Arizona winning streak, even though it will ultimately mean nothing. Pick: Arizona

New England at Denver

Aaron: I, for one, am grateful for the measured and restrained media coverage this game has received all week. I'm looking forward to the focus finally shifting towards Denver's underrated defense and the hellacious right leg of their placekicker. Some day. Pick: New England

Joe: Dear God: good luck. We're all counting on you. Pick: Denver

N.Y. Jets at Philadelphia

Aaron: Could you see the Eagles running the table and finishing the season 8-8? It would give us the ready-made "they were just starting to gel" storyline heading into the offseason with everyone betting heavy on the overly-optimistic 12-1 odds for Philadelphia to win the 2013 Super Bowl. I could see it. Pick: Philadelphia

Joe: I can't. Pick: NY Jets

Baltimore at San Diego

Aaron: The Chargers' much-maligned offensive line has played better in recent weeks against mediocre competition while several of their skill players have returned to good health. Historically, this is a game that a 2-0 San Diego team would lose in September. Kudos to the schedule makers for mixing things up. Pick: Baltimore

Joe: This is the game that tells us whether San Diddy has just been beating up on weak teams, or if their annual December "charge" (BOO!) is happening again. Pick: Baltimore

Pittsburgh at San Francisco

Aaron: Everyone knows Ben Roethlisberger is going to play in this game, right? Since he injured his ankle, there have been 10 days of real-time reporting tinged with mock uncertainty. All that's missing is 1986 Vince McMahon staring into the camera and declaring Roethlisberger out...right up until he comes limping down the aisle. Pick: Pittsburgh

Joe: So long as SOMEBODY feels like throwing to Antonio Brown. Pick: Pittsburgh

2011 NFL Pickery -- Week #14

2011-12-08T14:12:00.000-08:00

Last Week

Joe: 12-4
Aaron: 10-6

Current Standings

Joe: 126-66
Aaron: 120-72

Cleveland at Pittsburgh

Aaron: So, the obvious flip side to making one team travel across three time zones on three days rest for these Thursday night games is to have teams in the same division play each other. Match-ups like this one might be exactly what motivates the NFL to continue its Thursday night inter-conference coast-to-coast forced busing program, instead. Pick: Pittsburgh

Joe: It's always nice when one's fantasy playoffs can be ended on Thursday night. I'm on a six-hour countdown for whether I want to trust Ben Roethlisberger's thumb against a Cleveland defense that seems to keep every game in the low teens. Ughhhhhhh. Pick: Pittsburgh

Indianapolis at Baltimore

Aaron: It's been 90 years since the last official forfeit in organized professional football. I'm not suggesting that the 1921 Washington Senators will be joined by the 2011 Indianapolis Colts this week, but be honest...would you be that surprised if Indy didn't bother to make the trip? Pick: Baltimore

Joe: The most poetic way for this matchup to turn out would be for Colts players to sneak out under cover of night on Saturday and defect to Baltimore. Otherwise: Mismatch City. Though I'd be a smidge concerned about Baltimore's tendency to play down to their worst competition. Pick: Baltimore

New England at Washington

Aaron: With an season-ending string of soft-bellied opponents, I started the Patriots' defense in my fantasy football money league last week. After allowing the winless Colts to score 24 points, I'm prepared to watch Redskins QB Rex Grossman throw for 400 yards before halftime. A Pats win would only compound my misery. Pick: New England

Joe: Pity the poor Patriots. Stuck with a series of inferior opponents. How can we POSSIBLY expect them to get revved up enough to beat them by 30 points apiece? Pick: New England

New Orleans at Tennessee

Aaron: Oh, who am I kidding? It won't be the Patriots defense that'll cost me a spot in my fantasy football playoffs. It's going to be Titans RB Chris Johnson. He's looked absolutely rejuvenated over the past two weeks, but now that I need him...? Look for him to carve my heart out. Doesn't he realize I'm defined by the aggregate exploits of him and his peers? Pick: New Orleans

Joe: Two teams who have been rather hot lately. The Titans have muscled their way back into the playoff picture by beating bad teams by modest margins. The Saints have defeated fellow playoff contenders in gaudy blowouts. Enough to counteract the home-field advantage. Pick: New Orleans

Kansas City at N.Y. Jets

Aaron: After this week, the Chiefs play the Packers followed by a pair of sure-to-be-desperate contenders in the Raiders and Broncos. On the plus side, Kansas City, I expect the Jets will only administer the second or third worst beating you'll absorb this month. Pick: NY Jets

Joe: Good news, everybody! This is the game I'll get to watch on CBS this week instead of anything that has a prayer to be good! Pick: NY Jets

Philadelphia at Miami

Aaron: With four wins in their last five games and a favorable schedule the rest of the way -- including games against a pair of playoff contenders who may be resting their starters to some degree -- this Dolphins team could finish strong. It helps that the Eagles have been resting since mid-September. Pick: Miami

Joe: It's probably just the belligerent hatred talking, but I have to believe the Dolphins will come back down to earth some time. Pick: Philadelphia

Tampa Bay at Jacksonville

Aaron: The Jaguars' ineptitude on offense has masked a quietly impressive defense. Meanwhile, the Buccaneers are -- choose your sports cliché -- (A) "Quitting on their coach"; (B) "Playing out the string"; (C) "Waving the white flag". You know what...? Let's go with "C". It works with that whole pirate motif and as a Civil War homage to Florida's deep Southern roots. Pick: Jacksonville

Joe: The Central Florida Powers Explode! Or something way less exciting than that. I agree about Jacksonville's defense, and Maurice Jones Drew should have a fine time carving up Tampa's Swiss-cheese D. But this also feels like the kind of game where a Gabbert pick-six decides it. Pick: Tampa Bay

Atlanta at Carolina

Aaron: Your guess is as good as mine as to which Falcons team will show up here. But, with the pungent musk of "must-win" in the autumn air -- and a two-touchdown win over the Panthers earlier this season -- I'll take Atlanta and assume whatever worked against Carolina before will work again. Pick: Atlanta

Joe: Carolina got their big December win last week. That moral victory should content them until the first 5 picks of the draft come around. Pick: Atlanta

Houston at Cincinnati

Aaron: None of the Bengals seven wins have come against any team that'll be making playoff reservations in January. Taking the Texans' third-string quarterback in a December road game may indeed be lunacy, but as long as running back Arian Foster doesn't get diagnosed with acute radiation poisoning (or gigantism or one of seven other separate misfortunes)... Pick: Houston

Joe: Ugh. I hate this game. Cincy has been faltering against the teams we all figured they'd falter against. But a tough road game against a team with something to play for might be too much for the wounded Texans to overcome. Pick: Cincinnati

Minnesota at Detroit

Aaron: Back in week three, the Lions needed overtime to defeat the Vikings -- and a healthy Adrian Peterson -- in Minnesota. A lot has changed since late September. Now, the Lions are the home team and Peterson remains hobbled with an ankle injury. OK, it's just two things that have changed. And, come to think of it, neither of these things will ultimately change the outcome from the first time they played. Pick: Detroit

Joe: Suddenly, the Vikings -- with the Christian Ponder-to-Percy Harvin thing to complement AP's reliable brilliance -- have gotten really fun to watch. Too bad two thirds of that equation might be unavailable. Pick: Detroit

Chicago at Denver

Aaron: With a more favorable December schedule than the Raiders (which is to say they're not playing Green Bay any time soon) the likelihood of "Denver Broncos -- AFC West Champions" grows stronger by the week. I was just telling Joe the other day that this underreported Tim Tebow story needed a boost from some playoff hype. Pick: Denver

Joe: It probably took me too long to figure this out, but the brilliant thing about Tebow's Christianity is that it dovetails with the NFL's favorite motivational tactic. Namely, the "We don't get any respect despite clear evidence to the contrary" thing. Tim Tebow can get more glowing coverage than any other QB in the league (he does), and he can still play the "disrespected" card. Brilliant. Pick: Denver

San Francisco at Arizona

Aaron: Fun fact -- the Cardinals have won four of their last five games. Of course, the hapless Rams were their opponents in two of those wins. And, their one loss...? Yes, it was to the 49ers. Feel free to impress your Hooters girl with that bit of trivia come Sunday. Pick: San Francisco

Joe: Who's up for another uninteresting story about my fantasy team? Work league playoffs. Semifinals against the president of our division. Every week, I am petrified of Larry Fitzgerald's stat line. Mostly because of the semi-important fact that he doesn't have a competent quarterback throwing to him. Somehow, almost every week, he ends up with some miracle bomb that salvages his stats for the week. Going up against maybe the best defense in football, I have never been more petrified of starting a guy who's my second-leading scorer. Pick: San Francisco

Oakland at Green Bay

Aaron: I've already made peace with this. Pick: Green Bay

Joe: Sorry, pal. On the bright side, your Raiders can do no worse than anyone else in the NFL. Pick: Green Bay

Buffalo at San Diego

Aaron: Blacked out locally, there are a lot of Chargers fans who are going to miss out on what's a pretty favorable match-up. In fact, if San Diego wins and both Oakland and Denver lose, the hated Chargers will only be a game back in the division. NOOOO! Pick: San Diego

Joe: I'd make the joke about this getting blacked out in Buffalo too, only it's not a very good joke. I'd also mention how the Bills match up better with these high-octane-offense/low-pressure-defense teams, but at this point in the season, who even believes they have a chance here? Pick: San Diego

N.Y. Giants at Dallas

Aaron: As bad as the Giants' defense has looked during their current four-game losing streak, it's safe to say the Cowboys aren't going to score 38 or 49 points like the Packers and Saints did, respectively, against New York. Yup...the Cowboys aren't as good as the Packers or Saints. We're breaking all kinds of news around here. Pick: NY Giants

Joe: I think the Cowboys defense is the ultimate wild card in the NFC this season, and it's going to end up surprising some good teams. Take this with the biggest grain of salt you can imagine. Pick: Dallas

St. Louis at Seattle

Aaron: I assuming the rest of the internet has the "what a terrible Monday Night Football game, ESPN!" angle covered. Pick: Seattle

Joe: Didn't the NFL learn its lesson last season when a primetime matchup of the 6-9 Seahawks and 7-8 Rams was only bailed out because it was for the division title? Anyway, Seattle is the official good-bad-team of the NFC; no reason to think they won't take this. Pick: Seattle

TBG Eats: The Fried Chicken & Pancakes and the Bacon Old-Fashion from Slater's 50/50

2011-12-02T17:55:00.001-08:00

Current Weight: 168.0 lbs.

For the first time in ten years, my wife and I did not host Thanksgiving dinner at Stately Bootleg Manor. Instead, we made the 90-minute drive north from San Diego to my mother's house in Ontario. This, of course, meant that for the first time in ten years, my wife couldn't complain about having to cook Thanksgiving dinner.

Actually…scratch that. Mrs. Bootleg's Thanksgiving gripes really never rise past a melodramatic, exasperated sigh while mixing the filling for her famous sweet potato pie or her annual hollow threat ("This is the LAST year I'm doing ALL of the cooking!"). Ironically enough, after receiving a reprieve from primary kitchen duty, my wife unleashed an especially prickly grievance. It seems that after asking my wife to cook the greens – which Mrs. Bootleg makes better than anyone on either side of our families – my mom stepped in at the 11th hour and claimed the collards for herself.

Rest assured…I did make the obligatory Tyler Perry analogy on Twitter in response.

Otherwise, the holiday went off without a hitch – good food, bad football and family. For those scoring at home, these were the top three finishers in my own 2011 Thanksgiving MVP balloting.

(1) My Grandfather: His pointed wit and physical prowess belie his 85 years. He and my aunt arrived at my mom's house shortly after Mrs. Bootleg, my son and me. He walked in with an ear-to-ear grin and a package under his arm. "I know you like good beer", he said as he handed me a six-pack…of Bud Light. He laughed heartily at my misplaced anticipation. Later, he performed random acts of yard work on my mom's front lawn as a houseful of able-bodied adults – several decades his junior – marveled from afar. And then, in the main event of the evening, he graced us with a spontaneous running commentary of the Enrique Iglesias/Pitbull performance during halftime of the Dolphins v. Cowboys game.

"Pitbull? His name's 'Pitbull'?! Pitbull's not a poi-sin*. Pitbull's a damn dog."

(*Obviously, I can't do it justice, but it helps if you consider my grandfather is originally from Alabama and pronounces certain words with an early 20th century southern black accent. "Person", for example, is "poi-sin".)

(2) Kool-Aid: After dinner, I asked my seven-year-old son to tell me his favorite food from the feast his grandmother had prepared. My vote would've gone to the macaroni and cheese**. Creamy, but with a sharp cheddar tang, I shamelessly shoved half the pan into my take-home Tupperware. A close runner-up would've been my mom's ridiculously delicious deviled eggs with diced bits of bacon mixed into the middle. My son, however, happily nominated the "red drink".

With apologies to the National Black Caucus, Mrs. Bootleg and I don't keep Kool-Aid in our house. But, when I was growing up, Kool-Aid practically established permanent residency on the top shelf – always on the right-hand side – inside our refrigerator. In 2011, my mom still makes it – and in the same Technicolor-stained plastic pitcher that I stole sips from 30 years ago. I watched my wide-eyed son ask his grandmother for another glass…then, another…as I couldn't help but think I'd somehow failed Jalen – by filling our refrigerator with organic milk, orange juice and bottles of water.

** -- Last week, Pat Robertson used the holiday lull to sneak into a national news cycle for the first time in almost 20 years when he asked, on the air, if macaroni and cheese was "a black thing". Lost in the subsequent 20 minutes of indifferent indignation was that, yes, it IS a black thing. Certain side dishes are the closest thing we have to a family crest (at least ones that we don't share with, umm…"certain Southerners" from 150+ years ago). We get excited and prideful about macaroni and cheese, greens and 7-Up cake in a way that you probably don't about green bean casserole. Some of us also eat chitlins, but even I ain't THAT black.

(3) Standard Definition Television: On Twitter, I asked if standard definition TVs were the new "rotary phone" of technological trademarks inside our parents' homes. Even as I watched teeny, fuzzy football players run around 27-inches of televised turf, it occurred to me that I might've spoke too soon. The one-ply toilet paper in my mom's bathroom and the razor-thin bar of soap that sat alongside the bathroom sink were other archetypes from the way-back machine. (Hey, YOU try those scented soaps from Bath & Body Works and tell me your hands aren't in heaven!)

Two days after the holiday, it was time for my other Thanksgiving tradition: meeting up with my aging high school crew for beers, lunch and hurtful laughs at each other's expense.

Once again, we opted for Slater's 50/50. We ate there for the first time back in the spring. We visited their Huntington Beach location shortly after it opened during the summer. And, our unintentional once-a-season Slater's campaign continued with some autumnal eating last weekend.

I arrived shortly after noon and found my friend Smitty and his wife parked at the bar. They were clearly 1-2 drinks ahead of me, so I wasted no time in placing my order. The "Bacon Old-Fashion" included words like "bacon", "bourbon" and "maple syrup" in the description. Like the rest of you, I've only ever dreamt of dipping my bacon into syrup n' bourbon at breakfast. Now, I can have it for reals!

The drink was sweeter than I thought it would be, but the traces of citrus and acidity from the orange twist helped cut the sugar. The bacon notes from the bourbon were a bit inconsistent from sip to sip, but the Basil Hayden's itself was buttery smooth and warmed wonderfully as it went down. If a 90-minute drive back to San Diego wasn't looming in my immediate future, I'd have ordered two or three more.

About 30 minutes later, our friends Thai and JP walked in, so we moved over to the dining area for lunch. Three of us ordered the "Fried Chicken and Pancakes" -- Slater's obvious play on the soul food staple, chicken and waffles. From the menu:

Fried chicken topped with house-made bacon-infused country gravy, two strips of thick-cut bacon and a fried egg between three buttermilk pancakes smothered in real maple syrup.

Awww, yeah. The impressive-looking plates arrived and I quickly removed my serrated sword. There was no room to separate the components, so I went all-in with mouthfuls of everything at once. The unquestioned star of this steroidal short stack was the fried chicken. The seasoning was spot-on without overwhelming any of the other ingredients and the steam from the pillows of pancakes acted like a syrupy sauna as it kept the chicken moist.

I continue to regret coming around to over-medium eggs so late in life. The gooey yolk oozed everywhere, lifting the flavor profile of the pancakes and anything else it saturated. And, while I wasn't picking up much of the bacon from the country gravy, the two strips of bacon here did the work of four or five strips.

If you're going to order this, I'd strongly advise avoiding any appetizers beforehand. Our party of five split a platter of fried pickles, French fries, sweet potato fries and onion strings. Consequently, I could only finish about half of my chicken and pancakes. This is a heavy, heavy meal that sneaks up on your stomach pretty quickly.

My only real criticism is Slater's application of the syrup. Personally, I prefer to pour on the syrup myself -- gradually, as I focus my eatin' on a certain pancake area. Smitty had to ask for extra syrup and I would have, too, if I'd had any room left for the rest of my lunch. Unfortunately, Thai's pancakes were flooded with syrup, as it pooled about twice as high on his plate than anyone else's. The pancakes soaked it up and all he could taste was the cloying sweetness.

After returning home to San Diego, I discovered another minor nit -- the pancakes don't reheat well. They'd absorbed so much syrup and yolk and country gravy that chewing them became a challenge. The solution to this non-problem seems simple enough: eat it all at the restaurant.

We'll meet again, Fried Chicken and Pancakes. We'll meet again.

Grade (Bacon Old-Fashion): 4 (out of 5)

Grade (Fried Chicken and Pancakes): 4 (out of 5)

2011 NFL Pickery -- Week #13

2011-12-01T13:53:00.000-08:00

Last Week

Joe: 11-5
Aaron: 11-5

Current Standings

Joe: 114-62
Aaron: 110-66

Philadelphia at Seattle

Aaron: The last two Thursday night games featured a road team that traveled across the country after playing the previous Sunday. The only thing crazier than the continuation of this ridiculously unfair travel practice is my pick. Pick: Seattle

Joe: I guess it all depends on how badly the Eagles are going to turtle the rest of this season. Seattle has played almost everyone tough this season. But I can also see Philly taking out their frustrations over a lost season out on a lesser ("lesser"?) team. Pick: Philadelphia

NY Jets at Washington

Aaron: It's just about time for the Jets to make their annual late-season push for that coveted backdoor invitation to the NFL's "Wildcard Weekend" in early January. From now until the end of the season, the Jets play just one team that currently has a winning record. (And, that could change by the time they play the Giants (6-5) on Christmas Eve. Sorry, Tom.) Pick: NY Jets

Joe: Did anybody really doubt the Jets would once again make the playoffs? This is how they do. And before anybody starts complaining, they'll be a hell of a lot more of an intriguing matchup than the Bengals, the Titans, or whoever else the AFC might cough up. Pick: NY Jets

Kansas City at Chicago

Aaron: Thankfully for the beat-up Bears, they don't have to face anyone on the Chiefs who's capable of dominating them like Raiders placekicker Sebastian Janikowski and punter Shane Lechler did last week. Pick: Chicago

Joe: I'm genuinely heartened by how the Bears have become the wounded bird that otherwise unaligned NFL fans are hoping make the playoffs despite their injuries. This is still Jay Cutler's team, right? Pick: Chicago

Tennessee at Buffalo

Aaron: Since Joe's beloved Bills earned their own Bob Costas soliloquy during halftime of last Sunday night's nationally televised game, I'll focus on the less publicized Titans. Specifically, RB Chris Johnson and his season-long slog that caused me to bench him in my fantasy football money league last week. He then ran for 190 yards and I lost by four points. Why isn't Bob Costas covering this?! Pick: Buffalo

Joe: Bob Costas can eat it, and for so many more reasons than just that. He knows what audience he's playing to when he goes off on what is, at base, virile (mostly black) twentysomethings getting exuberant about the game they're playing. Anyway, I can't trust the Bills for the rest of the season. If Chris Johnson's looking to make it up to his fantasy owners, this is the week to do it. Pick: Tennessee

Oakland at Miami

Aaron: The Dolphins are 3-3 over the past six games and in those losses they were defeated by 3, 3 and 1 point. My Raiders, meanwhile, continue to play just well enough to win with an equally consistent inability to put teams away. All of these close games are going to bite Oakland in the ass at some point and Miami seems equipped to win an 18-17 snoozer. Pick: Miami

Joe: I'm content to continue making money off of Cam's denial that his Raiders are making the playoffs. Pick: Oakland

Cincinnati at Pittsburgh

Aaron: After this week, the Bengals are home to Houston, at St. Louis, home to Arizona and home to Baltimore. With the Ravens likely resting their starters in anticipation of the postseason, the Bengals could conceivably finish 11-5. They're 7-4 at the moment, which means… Pick: Pittsburgh

Joe: You have to figure Pittsburgh's going to be primed to stomp on their rivals' playoff chances. They'll get up for this one in a way they didn't for KC last week. Pick: Pittsburgh

Atlanta at Houston

Aaron: Rookie quarterback T.J. Yates will make his first NFL start for Houston after the Texans lost both Matt Schaub and Matt Leinart for the season. This is playing out like another installment of Final Destination. I'd anticipate Yates being impaled on the first down marker, if I thought he'd get within the vicinity of a first down this Sunday. Pick: Atlanta

Joe: Good thing for Houston they've got enough of a cushion in the AFC South. Though I'm not 100% ruling out Atlanta blowing this game. They've had that tendency this season, and Houston's defense has been playing well enough to keep it close. And then there's Arian Foster, who might be good enough to beat a stacked defensive line anyway, and ... oh, hell, why not? Pick: Houston

Denver at Minnesota

Aaron: I can't remember ever seeing a quarterback have more time to throw than Tim Tebow this past Sunday against the Chargers. Obvious irony aside, I'm not sure if that's to the credit of the Broncos offensive line or indicative of the state of the Chargers' pass rush. The Vikings front four can get to the quarterback, but without RB Adrian Peterson, it'll be low-scoring affair. I'm looking forward to more sideline shots of Broncos executive and Hall of Fame QB John Elway pretending to enjoy his sandlot offense. Pick: Denver

Joe: Right now, it's looking like the Broncos have more weapons at their disposal than the Vikings do. And that is HILARIOUS. Pick: Denver

Carolina at Tampa Bay

Aaron: I've been staring at this matchup for five minutes and all I got is "Panthers' defense is bad" and "Buccaneers are playing at home". Every individual game write-up can't be a winner, kids. Pick: Tampa Bay

Joe: Tampa's defense is pretty bad too, is the thing. And I think Cam Newton has one more "WOW, Cam Newton!" game in him before the season's out. Pick: Carolina

Indianapolis at New England

Aaron: Depending on where you look, the Patriots are favored here by about 21 points. And, from a gambling perspective, it might be the game of the week. What would be too many points for New England to give? This is a Patriots team (and coach) that (1) hates the Colts; (2) has established a precedent for running up the score against demonstrably weaker opponents; (3) is playing a team that appears to be actively trying to lose. Honestly, I'd start to get a little skittish at 38-39 points, but I'd feel comfortable laying at least 35. Someone talk me out of reopening my online betting account! Hurry! Pick: New England

Joe: That's basically all I had to say. At this point, it might be more of an a-hole move for Belichick to refuse to run up the score on Indy. Not that I expect he'll be able to resist the temptation. Good thing those points carry over into the playoffs, right? Pick: New England

Baltimore at Cleveland

Aaron: I'm racking my brain, trying to think of a more mediocre quarterback with a better "quarterback name" than Cleveland's Colt McCoy. Chuck Long? Shane Falco? I think Colt pretty clearly wins here. Pick: Baltimore

Joe: Here's where Baltimore beats down on the Browns for failing to pull off an upset over Cincy that would have helped a lot of teams. Pick: Baltimore

Green Bay at NY Giants

Aaron: I might've taken the Giants here if I hadn't watched the disappearing act by their defense last Monday night against the Saints. And, how have none of the usual snarky sports outlets jumped on the comedic gold mine that is Eli Manning's abominable beard? Deadspin? Bill Simmons? Anyone?! Pick: Green Bay

Joe: Oh, Giants. It's happening again. Pick: Green Bay

Dallas at Arizona

Aaron: Didn't these two teams play, like, ten times a year when they were both in the old NFC East? And, weren't half of those games played in Mexico for some reason? Man, I miss the 1990s…with all its pogs and Zubaz and superfluous "Doggy" in between "Snoop" and "Dogg". Pick: Dallas

Joe: If the Cardinals could bring Jake Plummer back to get the ball to Larry Fitzgerald, I think they would. And yet I STILL would not be shocked if the Cowboys coughed one up to the Cards, because that's what they do. I can't make that pick with any confidence, but I'm not ruling it out. Pick: Dallas

St. Louis at San Francisco

Aaron: Question -- Will the 49ers loss to the Ravens last week have any impact on the team going forward? Answer – Have you seen who they're playing this week? Have you?! Pick: San Francisco

Joe: Battle-tested Niners! Pick: San Francisco

Detroit at New Orleans

Aaron: With the help of head coach Jim Schwartz and defensive tackle Ndamukong Suh, the Lions went from "inspirational" to "pro wrestling villains" in a little over six weeks. After a childhood spent watching this exact same angle play out on Saturday Night's Main Event, I'll assume the Sunday night version will also end with the overwhelming fan favorites victorious and "Real American" playing over the PA system. Pick: New Orleans

Joe: We're one more Saints win from the speculative pieces about how their offense might be the one thing that could keep the Packers out of the Super Bowl. (They'll be wrong. The Cowboys defense is the one thing.) Pick: New Orleans

San Diego at Jacksonville

Aaron: I wish everyone could've watched Chargers head coach Norv Turner's postgame press conference in the aftermath of last Sunday's home loss to the Broncos. It played like the greatest exit interview ever. It had everything: indifference, dismissive responses and an impenetrable "I don't give a sh*t" smirk. I'm expecting something less than maximum effort from his team come Monday night. Pick: Jacksonville

Joe: Dead-cat bounce for interim Jags head coach Mel Tucker? Well ... A) I had to look up Mel Tucker's name just now, and B) I learned my lesson on over-relying on dead-cat-bounce theory when the Broncos blew my knockout pool in Week 14 last year. Pick: San Diego

2011 NFL Pickery -- Week #12

2011-11-24T09:12:00.000-08:00

Last Week

Joe: 9-5
Aaron: 8-6

Current Standings

Joe: 103-57
Aaron: 99-61

Green Bay at Detroit

Aaron: The Lions – coming off a 49-point performance last Sunday and playing here in front of a raucous home crowd – will be the trendy pick to upend the undefeated Packers. And, speaking of trends: "undefeated Packers". Would you bet against Green Bay to score 50, if Detroit put up 49, again? Me neither. Pick: Green Bay

Joe: I'm just happy that the Lions are playing such a meaningful Thanksgiving game again. This is the NFL's reward for stubbornly sticking with the Lions as the Thanksgiving tradition and suffering through a decade's worth of blowouts. ...This one might still be a blowout. Pick: Green Bay

Miami at Dallas

Aaron: Remember that time when then-Panthers QB Matt Moore came off the bench to win three late-season games in 2009 (against Brett Favre's Vikings, Eli Manning's Giants and the eventual Super Bowl champion Saints)? Carolina made him the starter entering 2010, before realizing Moore wasn't that good – replacing him with Jimmy Clausen. Moore's now starting for the Dolphins and you want me to take him on the road on a short week? Nope. Pick: Dallas

Joe: I don't want to speak too soon, but DeMarco Murray's presence at RB really does seem to have filled out the Cowboys offense in a way they haven't had since Marion Barber's one great half-season. Please just someone end this infernal Miami hot streak. Pick: Dallas

San Francisco at Baltimore

Aaron: With all of the recent developments and owner concessions towards player safety, it's hard to understand why teams are still forced to play late west coast games on Sundays and then another on the east coast four days later. And, on the busiest travel weekend of the year! Pick: Baltimore

Joe: Baltimore's thus far been able to come up big against big opponents, but they've been giving up a lot of points lately. And the Niners have been charmed. Pick: San Francisco

Buffalo at NY Jets

Aaron: I assume my friend Joe has rearranged his travel plans so that he's back on the train from Buffalo and heading home to the city while his beloved Bills are playing this game. Out of sight, out of mind, yes? Pick: NY Jets

Joe: All my illusions about the Bills slump -- bad matchups against the Jets and Cowboys; bad luck; the offense needing a team it could out-gun -- were all blown away with that loss to Miami. It's over. Another mediocre (at best) season. The playoff drought continues. Oh, and the Jets are still a terrible matchup for the Bills. Pick: NY Jets

Minnesota at Atlanta

Aaron: During the Vikings v. Raiders game last Sunday, my seven-year-old son took a little too much pleasure out of seeing All-Pro RB Adrian Peterson leave with an injured ankle. I properly chastised my son, but the injury sure does make picking Vikings games a helluva lot easier. Pick: Atlanta

Joe: It's too bad because I was enjoying Christian Ponder getting his sea legs with the advantage of having AP running the ball. Hard to imagine the Vikes' offense will have the same zip. Pick: Atlanta

Arizona at St. Louis

Aaron: How soon after the season will Cardinals WR Larry Fitzgerald demand a trade to a team with a competent quarterback? There's no way he shows up for training camp next year, right? I haven't seen a holdout coming from this far away since Rickey Henderson turned the disgruntled late arrival into an annual event. Pick: St. Louis

Joe: I've never been more depressed to have multiple fantasy-football interests in one game. Pick: Arizona

Carolina at Indianapolis

Aaron: Now that the Colts have a two game lead in the race for worst record, there's some talk of them giving a competitive effort here. I can't imagine that an organization as smart and respected as Indianapolis would take that chance, though. The tanking continues. Pick: Carolina

Joe: I've never been one to hate on Peyton Manning and the Colts for winning dull, but honestly, even when they're tanking a season and chasing 0-16 they're boring. Pick: Carolina

Tampa Bay at Tennessee

Aaron: If the Titans really do intend to start QB Matt Hasselbeck – who injured his elbow (throwing arm) in last week's loss to the Falcons – then it's likely the team will need 2011 statistical cipher Chris Johnson to step up at running back. Trust me…I know how this story ends. Pick: Tampa Bay

Joe: Man, I just do not trust either of these teams. I guess I have to go with Tampa, who looked feisty against Green Bay and who probably are destined to be the team hanging around the bottom of that "playoff picture" graphic each network will be flogging until the season ends. Pick: Tampa Bay

Houston at Jacksonville

Aaron: The resurrection of relevancy for Texans QB Matt Leinart! I love the "even HE can't screw this up" narrative that's followed him around for two weeks since starting QB Matt Schaub was lost for the season. Sportswriters STILL seem irked that a young, handsome and available football player was more interested in being young, handsome and available than developing as a football player. Can you believe this guy?! Pick: Houston

Joe: Man, of the two of us, I was certain I'd be the first to bring up how handsome Matt Leinart is. Needless to say, I'll be rooting for Houston. Pick: Houston

Cleveland at Cincinnati

Aaron: I guess this is as good a place as any to squeeze in an overt reference to my fantasy football team. I'm in a four-way tie for first place in my money league and I have the Bengals' defense against the miserable Browns. If Cleveland QB Colt McCoy throws for five touchdowns, you'll know why. Pick: Cincinnati

Joe: Isn't this supposed to be when the hard part of the Bengals' schedule kicks in? Pick: Cincinnati

Washington at Seattle

Aaron: The week-to-week competitiveness of these two teams appears to be based on some sort of random number generator. So, which team will win here? Oh, let's say…Moe. Pick: Seattle

Joe: If Marshawn Lynch keeps running well, I'll keep liking the Seahawks as a spoiler. Meanwhile, after that hot start, the Redskins might be the worst team in football. Pick: Seattle

Chicago at Oakland

Aaron: Some troubling signs for my Raiders. RB Michael Bush – who took a tremendous pounding during his breakout game vs. the Chargers on November 10 – looked two steps slower last week vs. the Vikings (and most of his output was in garbage time). The penalty situation has reached a comical state of crisis. And, head coach Hue Jackson continues to be bailed out of indefensible play calls (running a QB keeper at the goal line with eight seconds left in the first half and NO timeouts). Even without Bears QB Jay Cutler, I'm worried here. Pick: Chicago

Joe: If Carson Palmer continues his charmed level of play, I'd say Jay Cutler's absence here makes a huge difference indeed. Pick: Oakland

New England at Philadelphia

Aaron: A Vince Young-led renaissance for the Eagles based off of the results from one game? Sure, why not? Pick: Philadelphia

Joe: Not buying it. Not buying the Eagles' defense putting together two straight strong weeks either. Pick: New England

Denver at San Diego

Aaron: Lost amid all of the Tim Tebow hullaballoo is that the Broncos' defense has been pretty terrific lately. The Chargers are essentially playing for their season here and have the talent for a gallant last stand. Curiously, I've written variations of that last sentence as it relates to the Chargers for at least the past three weeks. Pick: Denver

Joe: An excellent point about the Broncos defense. Even conceding the insane and hilarious magic of that final drive, Tebow put together ONE successful drive for Denver in the entire game. That's not nearly enough if the Denver D doesn't hold up. Not sure that magic holds up in San Diego. Pick: San Diego

Pittsburgh at Kansas City

Aaron: Steelers QB Ben Roethlisberger is expected to play despite a fractured right thumb. It seems the only thing that can keep him off the field is a league suspension for alleged sexual assault. That's the kind of toughness that inspires us all. Pick: Pittsburgh

Joe: A rematch of the epic 1994 AFC Wild Card round matchup, when future Hall of Famers Joe Montana and Marcus Allen led the Chiefs to victory and ultimately one game short of the Super Bowl. Into this proud tradition steps ... who's quarterbacking the Chiefs again? Pick: Pittsburgh

NY Giants at New Orleans

Aaron: It's high time we all accept that the 8-7 Giants will be playing the 8-7 Cowboys for the NFC East title on the final day of the regular season and all of the breathless around-the-clock coverage that'll come with it. The winner's eventual loss to Detroit in the first round of the playoffs will get decidedly less air time. Pick: New Orleans

Joe: The Giants sure picked a rough week to test their whole "This season's not going to end with a slump like so many others" theory. Pick: NY Giants

2011 NFL Pickery -- Week #11

2011-11-17T15:39:00.000-08:00

Last Week

Joe: 8-8
Aaron: 6-10(!)

Current Standings

Joe: 94-52
Aaron: 91-55

New York Jets at Denver (Thursday Night)

Joe: I have to admit, I'm probably getting sucked into exactly the narrative that the NFL wants me to get sucked into, but Tebow's backwards style of play really does add an element of interest into his games. Two completed passes in a win will do that. Meanwhile: same old Jets. They should be able to score on the Broncos, but Mark Sanchez is going to have to not screw it up. Enjoy, Jets fans! Pick: NY Jets

Aaron: With just about three minutes left in the third quarter during last week's Broncos v. Chiefs game, Tim Tebow had an open receiver on third down and short. Tebow spotted his guy and chucked a lawn dart that would've needed to travel another yard-and-a-half just to reach his receiver's feet. It was the worst non-pressure, unobstructed pass I've ever seen. Tebow might still finish the season as the starter and the Broncos might win a few more games, but tonight…the experiment ends. Pick: NY Jets

Buffalo at Miami

Aaron: The Dolphins have been perfectly respectable in November, beating up on a pair of bad teams and giving the Giants all they could handle on the road. I'm rooting for the Bills here, though, if only to silence the "Did Buffalo jump the gun by signing QB Ryan Fitzpatrick to a lucrative contract extension?" discussion. For those keeping track, yes, that talking point IS coming from the same people who thought it was a good idea three weeks ago. Pick: Buffalo

Joe: I hate everything. Pick: Buffalo [Ed. Note: For you new readers, Joe is a Bills fan, so...yeah.]

Dallas at Washington

Aaron: These intradivision NFC East games usually provide copious amounts of "zig" to the "zag" of our collective expectations. But, thankfully, the suck that Washington brings to the table is one of the league's few guarantees. Pick: Dallas

Joe: Yeah, it's tough to believe that a Cowboys team that looks good is going to keep looking good. And there's no bigger stumbling block than a road game in the division. But these clowns in Washington! What a bunch of clowns! Pick: Dallas

Oakland at Minnesota

Aaron: Despite last week's impressive road win in San Diego, I remain unsure about my Raiders in the short term. The run defense has been creaky all season and now faces the league's best running back here. And, QB/erstwhile retiree Carson Palmer will be uneven at times, even though everyone wants to forget the loss to the Broncos two weeks ago. This feels like the final score will be: Adrian Peterson-28, Oakland-24. Pick: Minnesota

Joe: I was hoping this would end up being a point of differentiation between us this week (since, as you'll see, we agree a lot). I underestimated the inability of a fan of a middling NFL team to trust that they won't blow it. Pick: Minnesota

Tampa Bay at Green Bay

Aaron: One of the unwritten agreements from the NFC's realignment last decade should've been the abolishment of this longtime NFC Central match-up. When I was growing up, it was the Ken Patera vs. Dino Bravo of football rivalries. Don't bother looking them up. I think the analogy is even stronger if you don't know who they are. Pick: Green Bay

Joe: Aw, the Battle of the Bays! Steve DeBerg! Chris Jacke! The classic cellar-dweller rivalry! Anyway, picking Packers games continues to be boring as hell. Packers. Always. Pick: Green Bay

Carolina at Detroit

Aaron: If the Lions don't quickly find some consistency -- and if the NFL season continues on its current path -- Detroit might be remembered as the only team that defeated Tim Tebow in 2011. How did we get here, people?! Pick: Detroit

Joe: The clash for pastel-blue supremacy rages on. Detroit has gone from being the upstart darlings of the league to its frustratingly inconsistent teenager who can't run the ball. Fortunately for them, Carolina can't stop the ball. Pick: Detroit

Jacksonville at Cleveland

Aaron: I learned my lesson from picking the Browns to defeat the Rams last week. And, the lesson is "always pick against Cleveland if their opponent has the best player between the two teams". Or, just don't pick Cleveland ever. Either one works. Pick: Jacksonville

Joe: The Jags, ever my Waterloo, will probably win this one just to spite me, but I think this is one of Cleveland's unwatchable 10-6 victories. Pick: Cleveland

Cincinnati at Baltimore

Aaron: Both teams are coming off losses. The Bengals loss to the Steelers might've been expected while the Ravens losing to the Seahawks was kinda-sorta inexplicable. The teams in the AFC North are among the league leaders in unexpected outcomes (not an official stat), so I'll assume putting two of them together will cancel out the confusion. As nonsensical corollaries go, this one's absolutely airtight. Pick: Baltimore

Joe: The Ravens have thus far been able to rebound from their unacceptable losses. Cincy's defense is going to be a tougher challenge than the Rams and the Cardinals were able to muster up. Still. Pick: Baltimore

Seattle at St. Louis

Aaron: Both of these terrible teams have wins against opponents (Baltimore and New Orleans, respectively) who may go on to win their divisions. The Rams beat the better of the two teams, so let's go with them here, 'K? Pick: St. Louis

Joe: Between Steven Jackson getting healthy and Brandon Lloyd giving Sam Bradford an acceptable target for once, the Rams might finally be the mediocre team we all thought could go 8-8 and win the West when this season started. Pick: St. Louis

Arizona at San Francisco

Aaron: Five of the 49ers last seven games are against the execrable NFC West. I can't think of a better way to prepare for New Orleans or Chicago or whichever team backs into the NFC East title in January than several late season scrums with Arizona or St. Louis or Seattle. Pick: San Francisco

Joe: I really do hope the Niners go 15-1 on their creampuff schedule and then get the rudest of awakenings in the divisional playoff round. Nothing personal against their fans, but (as always) the sports media is going overboard. Jim Harbaugh is not the secular Tebow, okay? He's just not. Pick: San Francisco

San Diego at Chicago

Aaron: If the Chargers' injury-riddled offensive line repeats their sieve imitation from last week, QB Philip Rivers might not survive to see the second half. Temperatures are expected to be in the 40s, so no one would blame Rivers if he chose not to come out of the locker room after halftime. I know I wouldn't. Pick: Chicago

Joe: It might just be a huge blind spot, but I'm not able to trust the Bears yet. But if the Chargers couldn't beat the defense-less Raiders and Chiefs, I can't see them getting past Chicago. Pick: Chicago

Tennessee at Atlanta

Aaron: Titans' RB Chris Johnson piled up 174 yards from scrimmage last week with a touchdown. Easily his best performance of the season and a faint ray of hope that gives me optimism for my money league fantasy football team. I might not have to shatter my son's piggy bank to afford Christmas gifts, after all. Pick: Atlanta

Joe: I so rarely find myself agreeing with Bill "Commissioner of Shaming the Participants in the NBA Lockout" Simmons that I feel like I should give credit where it's due when our opinions do align. Because at this point, the sabermetric community defending the Falcons going for it on fourth down in their own territory in overtime last week is the craziest shit I have ever seen. Pick: Atlanta

Philadelphia at N.Y. Giants

Aaron: Giants QB Eli Manning is on a pace to throw for 4,779 yards which would be the sixth highest single-season total in history. That number would top big brother Peyton's 4,700 yards thrown in 2010. This is the most surprising sports-related development among siblings since...oh, you know all know it's coming, so let's just get on with it. Here's a clip of Owen Hart upsetting his brother Bret at Wrestlemania X. It's like Eli passing Peyton, but with more pink. Pick: NY Giants

Joe: As a fantasy investor in the NY Giants defense this week, I'm putting my vote in for a Vince Young appearance. Pick: NY Giants

Kansas City at New England

Aaron: A Monday night blowout with the ESPN broadcast team? Pass. Fortunately, ESPN.com's Bill Simmons should have another 20,000-word column on the NBA lockout for me to read by then. Pick: New England

Joe: Ugh. Fatten up on empty calories, Patriots. Fatten right up. Pick: New England

10 Things I Learned as a Little League Manager

2011-11-11T07:54:00.000-08:00

Three months ago, I agreed to manage my seven-year-old son Jalen's Little League team.

Three years ago, I could've never imagined myself agreeing to such a thing.

Little League managers are supposed to be patient and paternal. They teach without screaming and paint everything with positivity. (I could've assigned any imaginary standard and I'm still not sure how I'd stack up.) But, I gave it a go and I'm glad that I did.

If you're interested in wins and losses, the Blue Team finished 6-3.

If you're interested in the experience, you should keep reading. After all, I learned a lot.

How to Write a Lineup -- As Mrs. Bootleg can attest, my favorite aspect of managing was cobbling together the batting order on the mornings before our games. On game days, I'd wake up well before our habitually early-rising son, put on a pot of coffee and commandeer our upstairs office – statistically reconciling my players' previous performances at the plate with my managerial gut instincts. My wife accused me of "over-thinking" – obviously, an absurd allegation.

There are two schools of thought when it comes to making out a Little League lineup. Last fall, Jalen played for a manager who kept a static batting order all season long in an attempt to maximize run production by having the more talented kids hit in the top half of the lineup. This past spring, Jalen played for a manager who mixed-and-matched the batting order for every game – regardless of individual skill level – up to and throughout the playoffs, where we were eliminated in short order.

My approach blended the grown-up accountability of the former with the kid-appropriate socialism of the latter – and an undetectable hint of nepotism.

On Opening Day, after using a pair of preseason practices to assess my team's talent, I penciled in Jalen as our leadoff hitter. After that – and in strict accordance with the Old South's wildly successful "separate but equal" initiative – I rotated the more experienced kids from first to sixth and the less experienced kids from seventh to twelfth. Before you judge me, know that this idea was driven by my son who struck out in his first at-bat as a leadoff hitter – swinging at pitches that were over his head. While he ended up 3 for 4 on the day and helped us to a 16-8 win; the value of first-inning runs at this level cannot be understated. Jalen hit sixth in our next game.

Now you may judge me.

How to Assemble a Coaching Staff -- After agreeing to manage my son's team in mid-August, there were two other fathers and a grandfather(!) who volunteered to be my coaches. Sometime between then and our first game on September 11, two of the coaches reneged on their commitments. ("I didn't know there'd be games on Sundays", said one. "I didn't know this would be competitive", said the other. "I thought it would be more fun…like t-ball.")

On the morning of our first game, I asked Mrs. Bootleg to be the team's bench coach. By the end of the season, her responsibilities included bench coach, electronic scoreboard operator, intermittent snack bar attendant and dugout disciplinarian. She did an awesome job at keeping the batting order intact and playing team parent, but she remained shaky on scorekeeping until the end. ("So, if the run scores from third base before they get the out at first base, it doesn't count? Is that a rule?")

How to Build a Blood Feud -- It didn't take long for my Blue Team to find a rival. In our second game of the season, we fell to the Orange Team on a Saturday morning marred by trash-talking from the opposing kids and melodramatic bellyaching from their coaches on every close call. In the top of the second inning, one of my players was tagged out at home plate on a bang-bang play. The Orange Team's manager sprinted from the dugout and argued that, in fact...the runner was out. Yes, you read that right. When I told him the runner was called out, he spat up a sheepish "Oh..." and sprinted back to his bench while pumping his fist -- more than a little reminiscent of this.

In the season's fifth week, we met the Orange Team again. My kids didn't play well that day and --truthfully -- we deserved to lose. The plodding game pace meant that the top of the final inning began at 3:15 PM -- 15 minutes before the scheduled start time of the game following ours on the same field. As the visitors, the Orange Team sent their first two batters to the plate. Then, with a six-run lead, their manager pulled his team from the diamond -- citing the need to cede the field for the 3:30 PM game.

To be clear: we weren't going to win the game. But, some of my kids -- especially MY kid -- were champing at the bit for one last chance. I unsuccessfully argued that since the 3:30 PM game was the last of the day, the two teams involved could wait 10-15 minutes without concern for running out of time. In return, I received a dismissive "I don't think so" from their manager. Afterwards, as I seethed from the driver's seat, Jalen was busy reading my mind as he reminded me, "We've only got one more chance to beat those guys, Dad." My reflexive parental tut-tut in response came too quickly to be anything other than a lie. ("I don't care about wins and losses, J.")

How to Celebrate/Settle Down my Son -- My son has come a long way from last fall when he struggled mightily at the onset of the season. Jalen made enough consistent contact to ultimately settle in as the team's #2 hitter. His defensive fundamentals and throwing arm earned him semi-permanent residency at shortstop. My son, however, was most excited by the fact that many of his teammates wanted to imitate him. No, not the hitting or the defense. They were more impressed with J's comical scrawls of eye black and exaggeratedly-worn high socks.

Obviously, there's an inherently subjective curve that comes with any parents' analysis. So, let's bring my son back down a few pegs by pointing out that some of his throws from shortstop missed the first baseman by 50 feet, almost finding the faces of a few adults loitering behind foul territory. (Jalen's reactions were usually a 55/45 split between pride and embarrassment.) The high socks thing was an irritant from time to time, as Jalen would fastidiously adjust them after running the bases or playing the field or just sitting on his butt in the dugout. And, while I tolerated some of my son's diva tendencies; I drew the line when he once called time out after getting on base with a single, s-l-o-w-l-y removed his batting gloves and nonchalantly tossed them at my feet.

How to Teach the Game -- On September 30, immediately after our fourth game of the season, I was approached by the father of one of my players. His eight-year-old son was new to baseball but, by the end of the first month, he'd become a decent little hitter and was one of the few kids who wanted to play catcher. (Trust me: for a Little League manager, finding a child who wants to catch is akin to finding $50 on the street.) His father had previously emailed effusive praise my way, convinced that I had somehow "taught" his tall and naturally athletic son to play the game.

On this day, he introduced me to his friend -- who just so happened to have a son of his own who was new to the game. "Coach Aaron can teach anyone how to play baseball", the father beamed. This was all the sales pitch his friend needed. After a few phone calls and some roster-bending, the Blue Team had its newest player: a shorter, less athletic, FIVE-year-old version of the child I "taught" how to play baseball. The following week, I asked the little guy's father if his son had played any baseball before. "No", he replied. "But, he's played cricket." Great.

How to Hide a Child on Defense -- When I was my son's age, right field was where the defensively-challenged children ~~roamed~~ stood. But, since our Little League district requires a certain amount of positional rotation at this level, Coach Aaron had to get creative. Believe it or not, third base -- the hot corner! -- was a solid second option. Most of the balls hit on that side of the infield seemed to become the shortstop's property and our team had exactly two kids who could throw from third-to-first on the fly, so, defensively, it wasn't exactly a net loss. Sometimes, I also used a left field/right field combination for the less experienced kids and plugged in a certain overenthusiastic chocolate-brown kamikaze in centerfield to back-up on every fly ball that inevitably rolled to the wall. Call it the Kelly Leak Technique.

How Not to Encourage Nicknames -- At an early practice, one of my players wanted me to refer to him by a new nickname he had given himself: "Psycho". This was during one of our always-challenging afterschool practices, where the kids -- confined to classrooms all day -- treated it as an extension of recess. Coincidentally, "Psycho" was wearing a tie-dyed tank-top with his baseball pants. I'd mention he was our only left-handed player, but I'm sure you already knew that. I politely refused his pseudonym, since I knew if it got back to his parents, seven-year-old "Psycho" would throw me under the bus.

Later in the season, while coaching first base, our dugout had gotten particularly rowdy and unruly. As I walked over for a half-hearted reprimand, one of my biggest and strongest kids met me at the fence. Nicholas appeared to be near tears. "Coach Aaron", he began. "Everyone in the dugout is calling me 'Nickel Piss'." I nearly collapsed a lung from all the laughter I somehow stifled. I'm convinced even the slightest titter from me would've branded poor Nicholas as "Nickel Piss" for life. (This could still happen, but it won't be on my watch.)

How to Hold It Together When My Team Nearly Blew a 13-2 Lead -- For the first five innings on October 22, my Blue Team put on a proverbial baseball clinic. Our bats were big while our defense bent, but never broke. My mother made the 100-mile drive south for the game and Jalen couldn't have been more excited to play in front of his grandma. At the start of the sixth and final inning, my kids led 13-2.

And, then our defense broke.

I'd stationed one of my more glove-dependable players at shortstop and watched him make three errors on balls hit by the first four batters. With the bases loaded, my catcher remained a squatting statue on a ball that was hit approximately 18 inches from home plate. Even the other team's worst hitters were reaching base. I know this because they're the kids who invariably received the loudest and longest ovations when they made even a modicum of contact.

As our lead continued to shrink, a small parade of my players' parents peered into the dugout and broke out the rhetorical comedy. ("Are you nervous yet?" and "Do you want ME to push the panic button?") With the score now 13-7, the middle of the order was due up for our opponents. I called out to Jalen in centerfield, "Move back! This kid can hit! Don't let anything get by you!" Sure enough, the batter lashed a line drive up the middle. Jalen charged the rolling ball while curiously waving his bare hand in the air.

To this point, I'd been pretty stoic about the baseball Chernobyl unfolding in front of me. But, when the ball predictably rolled right under Jalen's glove, I turned away in disgust. I caught a glimpse of the "7" on the back of his jersey as he pursued the sphere that eluded him. E-8. 13-9.

After we recorded the second out of the inning, our opponents pushed across their 10th run. My first baseman (Nicholas) had a chance to end it, but he ranged too far to his right for a ground ball and couldn't get back to the bag in time. Making matters worse, he had to leave the game because the baserunner stepped on his foot. (I should've laughed at his unwanted nickname when I had the chance.) This led to one of my favorite conversations of the season:

Me: [To the bench.] "Jason! I need you on defense!"

Jason: "Yeah! I'm FINALLY playing first base!"

Me: "Uh, no. You're going into centerfield. JALEN! You're playing first!"

Jason: "Aww, but I..."

Me: "Centerfield."

Thankfully, the third out came in short order, ending the agony as the Blue Team held on for a 13-10 win. Afterwards, I asked Jalen why he was waving his arm during his outfield error endeavor. "I was waving off the other fielders", he explained. "On a ground ball?", I asked incredulously. "Is Grandma still going to bake cookies tonight?", he responded.

How to Manage the Modern Ballplayer -- Two weeks before our final game, I received an e-vite to the birthday party of one of my better players. Earlier in the season, we played a game with a couple of no-shows. This required me to rework the batting order and adjust our defense on the fly. Joseph -- the soon-to-be birthday boy -- saw me struggling with the decisions and said, "You can put me anywhere on the field, Coach Aaron. I'm just happy to be playing!" I appreciated his overt team-first attitude and I let his parents know after the game what a wonderful little boy they're raising. And, that's why I felt so betrayed when I discovered Joseph's birthday party directly conflicted with the time of our final game. Obviously, Joseph was "...just happy to be playing..." with my emotions.

How to Win the Big One -- On October 29, we played the Orange Team for the third and final time. My bench would be completely empty as three of my kids were unable to attend. All of the absentees were fairly consistent hitters, so I suspected we wouldn't be able to out-slug the Oranges. Instead, I focused on defense by playing my Gold Glove group almost exclusively in the infield and rotating them through a handful of personnel permutations. What? This is how you win the big one! Our defense recorded three quick outs in the top of the first inning (including a terrific 6-3 putout). We scored two in the bottom frame: 2-0, Blue Team.

The Orange defense was matching us play-for-play as my kids could only stretch the lead to 3-0 by the top of the fourth inning. And, then our defense broke...again. I had to move some of my infielders to the outfield in accordance with the league's ambiguous, open-for-interpretation "every player must play at least one full inning in the outfield" rule. In the fourth and fifth innings, every groundball seemed to find one of my less-experienced players. They did not, however, find anyone's gloves. After the Orange Team finished batting in the top of the fifth, they led 5-3.

In the bottom of the fifth, the Blue Team rallied. We'd tied the score at 5-5 and up to the plate stepped Harshal. You might remember him from a few thousand words ago -- he's the cricket-playing five-year-old who's approximately half the size of my son. He popped a little infield single that somehow rolled into no man's land past the pitcher's mound. The go-ahead run scored and one batter later, we'd taken a 7-5 lead.

Top of the sixth inning. We were the last game of the day, so there'd be no time-limit tomfoolery. The first Orange batter smoked a liner down the first base line that Jalen caught with just a flick of his wrist. Once he'd completed his 15-second celebratory self-high five, he signaled to his teammates, "one out". The next two batters reached, but we got the remaining two outs we needed on the next two batters. A 7-5 win with invaluable contributions from "veterans" and "rookies" alike.

==

As it turned out, this was our last game of the season. Our November 4 game was cancelled due to rain, presumably freeing Joseph from the moral quandary of choosing between his teammates or cake and ice cream.

The day before the rainout, Jalen was sick and stayed home from school. He was still carrying a cold on the 4th when he told me over breakfast, "If it stops raining, I think I can play today."

"I don't think we're playing today", I admitted. "But, that's OK. We ended the season with a nice win."

"Yeah", Jalen said. "Remember that amazing catch I made last week against the Orange Team?"

"J", I responded. "I'll never forget it."

2011 NFL Pickery -- Week #10

2011-11-10T12:18:00.000-08:00

Last Week

Aaron: 10-4
Joe: 9-5

Current Standings

Joe: 86-44
Aaron: 85-45

Oakland at San Diego (Thursday Night)

Joe: I can't believe this matchup happens twice a year and you're still standing, Cam. The tempest that must be raging in your heart as you have to deal with a week's worth of San Diego sports talk about this game. Anyway, if last week's games were any indication, I wouldn't expect much in the way of defense in this matchup. Still, if Phillip Rivers can keep his pick-six total to under two this week, I'm pretty confident he can eke by Carson Palmer. Pick: San Diego

Aaron: The news of dissension in the Raiders' locker room should be the final, perfectly-fitting puzzle piece to one of the most bizarre seasons in team history. And, there's still seven weeks to go. If the Raiders are sold in the offseason, it's conceivable that Hue Jackson could go from offensive coordinator to head coach to accidental General Manager/Director of Player Personnel to out-of-work in just 18 months. I won't go as far as to say I'm rooting for an uptick in the current 16.7% unemployment rate among African-Americans, but… Pick: San Diego

New Orleans at Atlanta

Aaron: The Saints haven't defeated a decent team on the road all season and just might be looking ahead to their bye week after this game. Although, I'm not exactly sure why anyone would be looking forward to a week off in New Orleans -- home of pirates, drunks and whores. New Orleans -- tacky, overpriced souvenir stores. Pick: Atlanta

Joe: I am actually ashamed it took us this long to go to the "Oh, Streetcar" place. Atlanta's been pretty steady these last few weeks, while the Saints' fortunes have descended wildly into madness. Pick: Atlanta

Houston at Tampa Bay

Aaron: The Texans boast a pair of running backs who could each rush for more than 1,000 yards this season. The Buccaneers, meanwhile, are 26th in run defense this year. Oh, sure...that might sound impressive, but there are only 32 teams in the National Football League! Pick: Houston

Joe: I have no idea if statistics will back me up on this, but doesn't it seem like Tampa is a hellish road game for teams? The Bucs are simultaneously an easy team to look past and yet good enough to pull an upset. And isn't there always a hurricane or awful humidity or something similarly inhospitable? Houston's been looking great, but aren't they due for a head-scratching loss? Pick: Tampa Bay

Arizona at Philadelphia

Aaron: Twenty years from now, I'm convinced we'll all look back at Cardinals QB Kevin Kolb and not believe he was a projected top 12 fantasy quarterback before the 2010 season -- ahead of Matt Ryan, among others. Similarly, those of us who were fans of the NFL twenty years ago still can't believe there were quarterbacks named "Bubby" and "Billy Joe" leading teams down the field. Pick: Philadelphia

Joe: I can't think of a more deflating, demoralizing loss than the one Philly took last week. Just when they were looking set to take the NFC East from behind. ...And you know what? I'm going to let that sentence stand as is. Pick: Philadelphia

Washington at Miami

Aaron: I'm pleased to pat myself on the back for picking the Dolphins to upset the Chiefs last week for their first win. Now, that I've set myself up for a hubristic fall -- a concept made famous by the 1980s Nintendo Entertainment Systems console game "Kid Icarus" -- I'll go all in on the Dolphins again. Pick: Miami

Joe: After watching the Penn State student body behave so poorly in the past week, I feel like an appropriate punishment would be to force them all to watch this game at 1pm on Sunday. Tough but fair. Pick: Miami

Denver at Kansas City

Aaron: Here are the Chiefs' next six games: at New England, Pittsburgh, at Chicago, at New York Jets, Green Bay and Oakland -- with the Broncos as bookends this weekend and in the season finale. This might be your last chance to see your team upright and in the vicinity of the end zone, Chiefs fans. Pick: Kansas City

Joe: Can ANYBODY in the AFC West play defense? Pick: Denver

Tennessee at Carolina

Aaron: Even if we grade on the "backdoor cover" curve, only one of the Panthers' six losses has been by more than seven points. A win here would go a long way towards making Carolina (2-6) everyone's playoff sleeper next season. Yes, that's how it works non-football fans. No, I don't know why. Pick: Carolina

Joe: There are a LOT of games between two awful teams this week. So many, in fact, that Tennessee-Carolina is starting to look like one of the week's better matchups. I still feel like Carolina's defense will keep them from winning the games that Cam Newton makes competitive. Pick: Tennessee

Pittsburgh at Cincinnati

Aaron: The narrative surrounding this game seems to be, "If the Bengals can beat the Steelers, then I'll take them seriously." I'd argue that a 6-2 team doesn't necessarily need your respect, but, yeah...Cincinnati's cupcake schedule to this point has to be considered. Then again, this isn't [whatever year you last won the Super Bowl], Pittsburgh. Pick: Cincinnati

Joe: At some point this season, some team is going to rough Andy Dalton up enough that he starts playing like a rookie again, right? Pick: Pittsburgh

St. Louis at Cleveland

Aaron: A few weeks ago, the Browns hosted the Seahawks and won, 6-3. Why any of the non-San Francisco teams are allowed to play outside the NFC West, I'll never know. And, yes, I can appreciate the glorious irony of the Raiders fan talking trash about sh*tty divisions. Pick: Cleveland

Joe: Yet another marquee matchup. The Rams have to hope they can win another few games this year on the back of Steven Jackson. To say he'll be the best player on the field on Sunday is a massive understatement. Pick: St. Louis

Buffalo at Dallas

Aaron: While listening to ESPN.com's Bill Simmons this week, I learned that the Bills' loss to the Jets has effectively ended Buffalo's season. Simmons predicted an 8-8 finish for the Bills (currently 5-3) based on one home loss to a solid squad. Feel free to print this out and tack it to your bulletin board, Buffalo. Pick: Buffalo

Joe: Sigh. Such a thoroughly demoralizing loss last week. One that has more than just editorially-indulged sportswriters proclaiming the Bills' season over. The silver lining is that maybe the Jets just match up really well against the Bills and are uniquely suited to neutralizing Buffalo's strengths. In case you haven't noticed, that's a pretty terrible silver lining. Pick: Dallas

Jacksonville at Indianapolis

Aaron: And, here we are. Ever since the Colts were annihilated in week one, the experts have been pointing to THIS game as the one Indianapolis had a chance to win. It'd be nice to see the Colts show up -- if only to avoid the inevitable "Are the Colts Tanking the Season?" E:60 investigation, but since the Colts are tanking the season... Pick: Jacksonville

Joe: You know I hate Jacksonville. I'd love to see them hand the Colts their first win of the year. But they've been inexplicably competitive too often this season. Pick: Jacksonville

Baltimore at Seattle

Aaron: So, the Ravens beat the Steelers in Pittsburgh last week and QB Joe Flacco is "good" again. Am I doing this right? And, when he beats the Seahawks, he'll be "bad" again, because Seattle's a terrible team, yes? Back in my day, it was much easier to be in sync with everyone else's sports opinions. Pick: Baltimore

Joe: I haven't seen the mythical Seattle home field advantage much this season, and yet they seem to pull out the same number of unexpected upsets this year, just on the road. YOU figure it out. Pick: Baltimore

N.Y. Giants at San Francisco

Aaron: OK...is this a potential "let down" game for the Giants after last week's exhilarating win in New England? Or, is this possibly a trap game for the Giants with the Eagles coming to New York next week? And, is a "let down" game the same as a trap game or are these two distinctly different and ridiculous superstitions? Pick: San Francisco

Joe: There is no reason to think the Giants' excellent start to the season won't continue through the remaining games, right? Pick: NY Giants

Detroit at Chicago

Aaron: Looking for an underrated storyline that's worn out its welcome? Try the "Matt Forte is Grotesquely Underpaid" plot. The Bears running back IS underpaid by the standards of his position and production, but the season-long pregame show pity parties are getting to be a bit much. Isn't it time for some intrepid sportswriter to pen the obligatory "Forte Wants Fatter Checks as Americans Tighten Belts" tripe? Pick: Chicago

Joe: Want to spend an entire Sunday afternoon driving yourself crazy with uncertainty? Try this one on: are the Bears a good team? Pick: Detroit

New England at N.Y. Jets

Aaron: A Hall of Fame quarterback, a dependable wide receiver, production from the tight end(s) and not much else on either side of the ball. The 2011 Patriots sure seemed to turn into the 2007-08 Indianapolis Colts overnight, didn't they? Pick: NY Jets

Joe: I still have not gotten sick of watching the Patriots lose the kinds of regular-season games they've been winning for the past decade. Not a bit. Pick: NY Jets

Minnesota at Green Bay

Aaron: After the Packers defeated the Chargers last week, the local sports talk chatter here revolved around the rowdy and belligerent Green Bay fans in the stands at Qualcomm Stadium. This from the callers and radio hosts. "Rowdy" and "belligerent". Wisconsin. Come on, San Diego. Pick: Green Bay

Joe: Packers. Doy. Pick: Green Bay

2011 NFL Pickery -- Week #9

2011-11-06T07:54:00.000-08:00

Last Week

Joe: 9-4
Aaron: 7-6

Current Standings

Joe: 77-39
Aaron: 75-41

N.Y. Jets at Buffalo

Aaron: The Jets are 4-0 at home, 0-3 on the road. If that's too large of a sample, the Jets are also 0-2 after bye weeks during the Rex Ryan era. Sometimes, these games just pick themselves. Pick: Buffalo

Joe: I am once again scared sh*tless and considered abstaining from picking this game like Cris Collinsworth on Inside the NFL. If you look at the Bills' remaining schedule as often as I have, and you figure the games they should win and the games they should lose will probably even out, you see that the game against Dallas and the two games against the Jets would end up deciding their playoff fate. Objectively, there are things I like about this matchup (the home-field advantage, the fact that our defense came alive last week, Fred Jackson) and things I don't (Fitz's possible minor chest injury, the fact that our defense came alive against the terrible Redskins, Darelle Revis). Ultimately, I would feel like a puss for backing off my team now. Just ... oh God, please ... Pick: Buffalo

Seattle at Dallas

Aaron: I honestly had no idea that Cowboys QB Tony Romo is 31 years old. He's older than Eli Manning, Philip Rivers and Jason Campbell -- three quarterbacks who all feel like they've been playing longer than they have. Erstwhile Eagles QB Donovan McNabb had a much more impressive resume than Romo, yet he was hustled out of Philadelphia at the age of 33. Not looking forward to the "Raiders Acquire Romo" headline three years from now. Pick: Dallas

Joe: I know nobody wants to hear about other people's fantasy football stories. The only thing more boring than someone else's fantasy football story is hearing over and over that nobody wants to hear about other people's fantasy football stories. But seriously, last week, going into Sunday night, I needed twenty points and I had THREE players remaining. Do you know how easy it is for three players to get you 20 points? You'd almost have to be in a coma NOT to get 20 points. I guess what I'm saying is, DeMarco Murray, Dez Bryant, and Cowboys kicker Dan Bailey, y'all OWE ME. Pick: Dallas

Cleveland at Houston

Aaron: Remember the 2007 Browns team that won 10 games with three of the most famous flash-in-the-pan players in recent memory? QB Derek Anderson, WR Braylon Edwards and TE Kellen Winslow, Jr are all pleased, proud and privileged to welcome 2010 Peyton Hillis into their collective one-hit wonder club. Pick: Houston

Joe: It's not a perfect bit of poetic justice, but after having to put up with Peyton Manning in their division for their entire existence, I'm happy that the Texans have been handed a suddenly pitiful division and home games against teams like the Browns. Pick: Houston

Atlanta at Indianapolis

Aaron: I hadn't realized that the "Peyton Manning for 2011 NFL MVP" movement was a semi-serious thing until I read Peter King's column on SI.com earlier this week. Major League Baseball will be glad to know that they no longer have a monopoly on voters who can't define "valuable". Pick: Atlanta

Joe: Matt Ryan, this would be an excellent game to throw some touchdowns. Pick: Atlanta

Miami at Kansas City

Aaron: Last week, a banged-up Chargers team nearly beat the Chiefs in Kansas City before losing on a fluke fumble. The Dolphins, meanwhile, were on the wrong end of some shaky officiating in their three-point loss to the Giants on the road. Now, this is a trap game, kids. Pick: Miami

Joe: Not sure if the Chiefs clawing their way back to the top of the division is a testament to them or an indictment of San Diego, but I'm not sure a team that started as poorly as they did will be looking past anybody. Pick: Kansas City

Tampa Bay at New Orleans

Aaron: Now that the Saints successfully ruined every suicide pool in the universe with last week's inexplicable loss to the Rams, it's time for New Orleans to obliterate their next opponent just to f*ck with those of you who lost money on them. With my fantasy football season in shambles, schadenfreude is all I've got left. Pick: New Orleans

Joe: I'm told by Important Football Stat Folk that the Bucs are a bad team just waiting for their record to catch up with them. That may well be true. But for the record, I'm basing this pick of old-school ephemera like "bounce-back game!" and "dome team at home in a dome." Pick: New Orleans

San Francisco at Washington

Aaron: From Norv Turner (1994-2000) to Steve Spurrier (2002-03) to Mike Shanahan (2010-present)...has any NFL team generated a greater cumulative gap between "expectations set by hiring a new coach" and actual results? Discuss. Pick: San Francisco

Joe: How about every team that's hired Bill Parcells since New England in 1997? TAKE THAT, PARCELLS! Pick: San Francisco

Denver at Oakland

Aaron: Even as a Raiders fan, I can't help but find a grand amount of gallows humor in newly-acquired QB Carson Palmer being hastily inserted into his first game just days after arriving in Oakland. He reportedly only knew a fraction of the playbook and was explicitly told he would NOT be playing by the coaching staff. This week – reportedly at Palmer's behest – the team signed the remains of his former teammate TJ Houshmandzadeh. With RB Darren McFadden out, this game has the potential to bring my seven-year-old son to tears. His dad, too. Pick: Denver

Joe: I'm sorry, Raiders fans. Y'all didn't deserve this. Meanwhile, I'm actually going to do the unthinkable and recommend a Deadspin article about the recent outrage over anti-Tebow mockery. Hey, it's our job to encourage anything that isn't AJ Daulerio writing vengeful hit-pieces about obscure ESPN sex scandals. Pick: Denver

Cincinnati at Tennessee

Aaron: Has anyone considered that the NBA's ownership might've observed what happened to holdout Titans RB Chris Johnson after getting a fat contract? Maybe that's why they've drawn such a hard line with their players. It's admittedly a stretch, but I have to believe Johnson has ruined more than just my fantasy football season. Pick: Cincinnati

Joe: I am man enough not to resort to childish reverse-jinxing when I pick my own team's games. I am, however, completely immature enough to try to juju our wild-card competitors. Pick: Cincinnati

St. Louis at Arizona

Aaron: The Rams scored 7, 3, 10 and 7 points in the four games before rolling up 31 on the Saints last week. The Cardinals, meanwhile, have allowed 30+ in their last four games. So, by applying one random pattern to another...it would appear to be Arizona's turn to be good or something. Pick: Arizona

Joe: Ahh, yes. The two crappy teams I kept insisting weren't that crappy. Time to not lose, guys! Pick: St. Louis

N.Y. Giants at New England

Aaron: There seemed to be an awful lot of "surprised" broadcast analytical time spent on the Patriots' performance in their loss to Pittsburgh last week. Just so we're clear, is this because everyone agreed New England's loss in Buffalo never happened? Similarly, did we forget that Dolphins QB Chad Henne threw for 416 yards against the Pats on opening night or that the Chargers marched up and down the field in New England before each of their ill-timed pratfalls? The injuries on the Giants' side are all that keeps me from picking them here. Pick: New England

Joe: Yeah, kind of a bummer when you're missing your best RB, your best WR, and countless defenders. So good news, Patriots fans! Your Week 9 win in this game will totally make up for that humiliating and deflating Super Bowl loss, won't it? Pick: New England

Green Bay at San Diego

Aaron: I'm enjoying this Chargers season as much as anyone else who despises the team and their fanbase, but I'll continue to maintain they're not nearly as bad as they've looked. However, this stretch of opponents (Green Bay, Oakland (Thursday night) and at Chicago) and their end-of-season schedule (Bills, Ravens, at Detroit and at Oakland) will test my theory. I so hope I'm wrong about them. Pick: Green Bay

Joe: Pick the Packers til they actually lose. Seems like a solid plan to me. Pick: Green Bay

Baltimore at Pittsburgh

Aaron: Oh, there you are, "low-scoring AFC North intra-divisional game in prime time"! I hope you brought inclement weather and both of your punters! Pick: Pittsburgh

Joe: I know Pittsburgh has really managed to right their ship. I know the Ravens alternate between playing well and playing shockingly terrible. I know that these AFC North slugfests usually end up evening out. And yet ... I am somehow picking the Ravens here. Pick: Baltimore

Chicago at Philadelphia

Aaron: 25 years ago, the city of Chicago was a nightmare for the Dream Team. I don't expect history to repeat itself. Pick: Philadelphia

Joe: I'm going to be bummed when all of the hoopla around the Eagles' slow start and all that "Dream Team" talk ends up crowding out the flashbacks to the Fog Bowl. Pick: Philadelphia

TBG Eats: Ben & Jerry's "Fair Goodness Cake!" vs. Baskin-Robbins' German Chocolate Cake

2011-11-02T23:29:00.001-07:00

Current Weight: 167.0 lbs.

My mom has been in my thoughts a lot lately. She turns 60 next month and I'm at that familial fork-in-the-road where I'm now sharing her with her daughter-in-law, Mrs. Bootleg and her grandson, Jalen. Around Stately Bootleg Manor, my mother has ascended to "grandma" status. It's what we all call her – with Jalen unleashing the appellation in concentrated interrogative bursts ("IsGrandmaHere? IsGrandmaHere? IsGrandmaHere?") any time she's scheduled to visit.

The recent memories of my mother are mostly those that involve my son. Two weeks ago she came down to see Jalen play baseball. As most of you know, Jalen plays the game with a certain level of freneticism that usually ensures a relatively early bedtime once his heart rate returns to normal and his eye-black-enhanced, at-bat scowl morphs back into a seven-year-old's soft countenance.

That evening, my wife and I went to the movies and stopped for drinks and a late dinner, afterwards. We got home just after 11:00 PM and discovered Jalen – wide awake – watching DVR'd cartoons on the upstairs television. Approximately six of the two dozen chocolate chip cookies my mother had baked remained on the kitchen counter and when I pressed them for additional information on the confectionary whereabouts, both my son and my mother – in strict adherence with black America's "stop snitching" philosophy – pled mutual ignorance.

I was reminded of my mother again when the Baskin-Robbins ice cream chain recently brought back their German Chocolate Cake flavor. It's a seasonal release that usually appears in September/October. But, when I was a morbidly-obese pre-teen living up in Long Beach, my local Baskin-Robbins only sold it in November. I remember this because on Sundays my mother would go to the supermarket and shop for the rest of the week. I would often go with her so that I could select an appropriate cereal based solely on the quality of the prize inside (YAY! – Officially licensed superhero trinkets or baseball cards. BOO! – Terrariums or other educational knick-knacks.) Afterwards, we'd stop at the Baskin-Robbins on 4th and Cherry for a cone.

Back in the mid-1980s, "cookies and cream" ice cream had taken the nation by storm. If you're too young to remember; you'll just have to trust me when I say it put the "chocolate chip cookie dough" ice cream craze from the following decade to shame. Cookies and cream was my go-to scoop from 1984 through 1986 and I never strayed. Oh, sure, I'd ask for a teeny pink plastic-spooned sample of other flavors, but that's not "edible adultery". It was more like an "edible booty call" with my ice cream wife's closest friends and co-workers. Harmless. Victimless. Delicious. But, I always came back to the one I loved.

Until I tasted German Chocolate Cake ice cream.

It was obvious that I'd rushed into my first ice cream commitment with cookies and cream. I pulled the ripcord on that relationship and 25 years later, I've never looked back. Yes, I experimented with frozen yogurt just like everyone else in the 1980s. I can say I've purchased my share of pints from Ben & Jerry's -- with their Oatmeal Cookie Chunk coming this close to being christened my third ice cream wife. But, I am nothing if not loyal to...wait, what? Ben & Jerry's recently introduced their take on German Chocolate Cake ice cream?! Good thing I didn't finish that "...nothing if not loyal..." sentence, eh?

Ben & Jerry's version is called "Fair Goodness Cake!". (Do I really have to make the obligatory reference to The Simpsons here? Fine. [Inhale.] And, like the Be Sharps, the name is witty at first, but seems less funny each time you hear it. Happy?!) It's described as "chocolate ice cream with German Chocolate Cake pieces and a coconut caramel swirl".

Before we continue, I suppose I should call attention to the ironic elephant in the room. I'm really not a fan of plain chocolate ice cream. If it were ever put to a vote, chocolate would finish fourth in my personal Neapolitan district. To me, most chocolate ice creams have an underlying bitterness that flies in the face of everything ice cream should be. Y'know...sweet.

Unfortunately, "Fair Goodness Cake!" stumbles out of the first-taste gate with a pronounced absence of sweetness. The caramel tries its best to balance everything out, but that leads into my second issue: there's not enough "everything else". Ben & Jerry's is synonymous with plenty of toppings IN the ice cream, but here, the coconut caramel swirl is, relatively speaking, a thin wisp. Each spoonful produces a mildly sweet finish, but before the next bite, the bitterness returns to bombard your taste buds. And, the chocolate cake pieces are left as an obvious redundancy, failing as a flavor accompaniment/contrast or textural lift.

Admittedly, it's inherently unfair to compare the look of a hand-packed pint with one that's prepackaged, but LOOK at how much better Baskin-Robbins' German Chocolate Cake ice cream LOOKS!

That's ooey-gooey caramel on top and it's spooled throughout, pooling beneath the surface every few centimeters. The chocolate ice cream has more of a milk chocolate quality -- rich, decadent and filled with guilt. But, my favorite part(s) just might be "everything else". Baskin-Robbins lifts Ben & Jerry's gimmick by blending in lots of walnuts and chocolate chunks. The walnuts cut some of the sweetness from the ice cream and caramel while their texture on the tongue is terrific. The chewy chocolate chunks are a wee bit bitter, but work as a background ingredient and lend some complexity.

Ben & Jerry's "Fair Goodness Cake!" has been promoted as a "limited batch", but it's been well-stocked in my local supermarkets for months. As the "plan B" to my all-time favorite ice cream, it's an acceptable substitute when Baskin-Robbins' German Chocolate Cake isn't available. Thankfully, my wife came home with a $13.99 three-ton tub from Baskin-Robbins earlier this week.

I'm good until Veterans' Day.

Grade (Baskin-Robbins' German Chocolate Cake): 500 (out of 5)

Grade (Ben & Jerry's "Fair Goodness Cake!"): 2.5 (out of 5)

NFL Pickery -- Week #8

2011-10-30T08:10:00.000-07:00

Last Week

Joe: 12-1(!)
Aaron: 8-5

Current Standings

Aaron: 68-35
Joe: 68-35

Arizona at Baltimore

Aaron: Last Monday night, I chose the fifth game of the World Series over the unattractive match-up between the Jaguars and Ravens. When the Texas Rangers recorded the last out, I flipped over to ESPN and watched the final two minutes of Monday Night Football as the execrable Jags held on to upset the Ravens. Whew. Lucky I didn't have anything riding on that game. Right, Joe? Pick: Baltimore

Joe: A PERFECT WEEK OF PICKS, THAT'S ALL. I could not have been more smug about my prospects for perfection going into Monday night. I was more worried about New Orleans-Indy than I was about Baltimore beating goddamn Jacksonville. I may never forgive the Jaguars for that one (the Ravens either). Pick: Baltimore

Minnesota at Carolina

Aaron: When news broke last weekend regarding erstwhile Vikings starting QB Donovan McNabb and his mediocre work ethic, I realized there was STILL time to save his flickering career. I've watched enough movies to know that all he needs is a reason to care about football again. Perhaps he can be introduced to the daughter he never knew he had. Spoiler Alert! That worked for Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson in Disney's The Game Plan. Pick: Carolina

Joe: Well, Cam Newton and Team managed to do what they were supposed to do against Washington. It's the same deal here, although I'd be wary of how hard Minnesota fought against Green Bay. Carolina's defense is going to keep them from winning some winnable games down the stretch. Pick: Minnesota

Jacksonville at Houston

Aaron: If the Texans can get all-world WR Andre Johnson back on the field in the next week or two, this team could win 11 games. I know, I know...the experts have been predicting good seasons from Houston for years. And, all it took was a potentially career-ending neck injury to intra-divisional foe Peyton Manning for a Texans' playoff season to be realized. Hope you can sleep well at night, citizens of Houston. Pick: Houston

Joe: Grr. Tear 'em limb from limb, Wade Phillips-coached Texans defense. (See what my Jags hatred is making me root for??) Pick: Houston

Miami at N.Y. Giants

Aaron: I'm already sick of the "suck for (Andrew) Luck" storyline and there's still two more months left in the regular season. The Dolphins aren't as inept as equally winless Indianapolis. Home dates against Washington in November and Oakland in December present the best opportunities for that elusive "W". But, wait...Miami isn't home this week! And, it's still October!!! Pick: NY Giants

Joe: TOTALLY co-signing the weariness at the easiest nonsense story in all of football. Miami is perfectly capable of being terrible without any added motivation. Pick: NY Giants

New Orleans at St. Louis

Aaron: The Rams have scored the fewest points in the NFL and allowed the second most. We're done here. Pick: New Orleans

Joe: I love that the Saints can hang 62 on the Colts and STILL have fantasy-football underperformers. They should be able to do what they want with the crappy Rams defense. Pick: New Orleans

Indianapolis at Tennessee

Aaron: I'd like to respectfully extend a fantasy middle finger to the Titans. Last week, I started QB Matt Hasselbeck in place of a bye-week'd Tom Brady. Combine that with my season-long drafting remorse over RB Chris Johnson and my fantasy team lost by, like, a kajillion points. Just watch...NOW both of them will show up. Pick: Tennessee

Joe: Are the Titans the most boring team in football this season? Oh, for the days of Albert Haynesworth curb-stompings and inexplicable mid-season Randy Moss signings! I want to say the Colts pull off the inexplicable upset here, but I think I'll save that for the rematch in Indy. Pick: Tennessee

Washington at Buffalo

Aaron: This Redskins team is kind of feisty on defense and 30-year-old career-long backup QB John Beck played quite solidly for almost three quarters on the road last week before his inevitable immolation. The Bills are rested and playing at home, but I still have a feeling that Joe's during-the-game Twitter feed will be a roller coaster of terrifying lows, dizzying highs and creamy middles. Pick: Buffalo

Joe: I made my own bed two weeks ago in talking about the faith I had in my football team and thus dooming them to come up short against the Giants (and in the process exposing our fatal flaw on offense – the inability to stretch opposing defenses with the deep ball). So don't mistake this for reverse-psychology: I am petrified of this game, not least because of the Bills' recent tendency to use the bye week not to get healthy but to remember that they're the Bills and should be losing games like this. Not to mention the Toronto factor, which is like playing inside your own burial plot. I hate these games where we're favored. Hate them. Pick: Buffalo

Detroit at Denver

Aaron: Am I the only one who finds the beating-a-dead-horse mocking of Tim Tebow's faith more than a little unseemly? During the first five minutes of his weekly "pick the spreads" podcast, ESPN.com's Bill Simmons seemed to take way too much pleasure from picking the low-hanging fruit. Tebow will have a stadium full of fans who are 100% behind him this Sunday and he's facing a reeling Lions team. I'm looking forward to avoiding everyone's postgame commentary after this one. Pick: Denver

Joe: It's a difficult balance with Tebow mockery, because the second that stops, the mainstream hagiographies commence. Meanwhile, Kordell Stewart is kicking himself for not having the Christian hook when he was busy being a running back in a QB's body. This seems like a tricky game for all involved. Detroit's been on a serious slide, but at base they're still a better team than the Broncos. And if the Dolphins could almost beat them? Pick: Detroit

New England at Pittsburgh

Aaron: Speaking of Bill Simmons -- and, for me, beating a dead horse -- his expert, unbiased analysis for predicting a Patriots win here was that New England always beats Pittsburgh. Not because the Patriots are coming off of a bye week or because the Steelers have looked old and decrepit on defense...the Pats just always win the Steelers. Always. Pick: New England

Joe: The good thing about this Patriots team is that, despite the fact that they keep winning, they always look somewhat beatable. Pittsburgh's been playing well(ish) in recent weeks, but a possible shootout doesn't suit them. New England

Cleveland at San Francisco

Aaron: This 49ers team could conceivably finish 13-3, you guys. That would mean a first week playoff bye and possibly home field advantage throughout the postseason. Alex Smith could be the starting quarterback in a Super Bowl! Why isn't this getting more publicity and why isn't everyone else as terrified as I am?! Pick: San Francisco

Joe: Good thing for the Super Bowl-bound 49ers that they're cutting their teeth on quality opposition like the Browns, then. Pick: San Francisco

Cincinnati at Seattle

Aaron: If I learned nothing else after foolishly picking Seattle on the road last week in Cleveland, it's that I'd be better served by picking against every NFC West team (save for San Francisco) in every out-of-division game they play. Everything makes more sense with italics. Pick: Cincinnati

Joe: Oh man. Picking counter to Cam in these Seattle games feels like a gimmick, but it's not. A 7-foot-tall escaped convict obsessed with destroying the Cobb County lawman who put him behind ~~bars~~ barz? THAT is a gimmick. Pick: Seattle

Dallas at Philadelphia

Aaron: Coming off of a bye week, you'd think the Eagles would be the healthier and more prepared team. But, the Cowboys looked good in a loss to New England two weeks ago, annihilated the sad-sack Rams last week and will probably have an effective enough defensive scheme crafted by their bat-sh*t insane defensive coordinator Rob Ryan. Over/under on NBC sideline shots of him during the game: 12.5. Pick: Dallas

Joe: If Demarco Murray turns out to be more than a one-week wonder at RB, the Cowboys might actually have balance on offense for the first time since Marion Barber saved my fantasy season in 2006. Tough to pick against the home teams in these NFC East battles, though. Pick: Philadelphia

San Diego at Kansas City

Aaron: It was the sports-talk apocalypse here in San Diego this week. The Chargers were done after their loss to the Jets. Head coach Norv Turner should be fired for his two-minute drill mismanagement. Even QB Philip Rivers was catching heat as fans wondered if he was the right guy to lead this team. Not mentioned: they're 4-2, TE Antonio Gates is back and they're much better than the Chiefs. (Don't tell the Chargers fans, though. I'm enjoying the local show of collective self-loathing!) Pick: San Diego

Joe: The Chiefs seem intent on putting up a fight this season, and a win here would officially put the West into upheaval, but the Chargers will be happy to deal with a defense that isn't the Jets this week. Pick: San Diego

NFL Pickery -- Week #7

2011-10-23T07:31:00.001-07:00

Last Week

Joe: 11-2
Aaron: 8-5

Current Standings

Aaron: 60-30
Joe: 56-34

Washington at Carolina

Aaron: In the same week that Vikings QB Donovan McNabb lost his starting job, the man who infamously replaced him (Rex Grossman) during last year's turbulent Redskins season has now been benched by Washington. How long before head coach Mike Shanahan publicly calls out the team's director of player personnel? Wait...what? They're the same person? Oh, Washington. Pick: Carolina

Joe: This isn't a slam on Cam Newton, but after three straight weeks of the Panthers being everybody's upset darling pick (at least one of those weeks I was part of the problem) and getting beat, this is the week they actually need to win and not just look good losing. "Or else?" you ask? SHUT UP, I say! Pick: Carolina

Seattle at Cleveland

Aaron: At some point, the Seahawks will play a road game that doesn't require them to traverse five time zones. Until then, this is a team coming off a bye week that hung 28 and 36 points, respectively, against the Falcons and Giants. Good defenses? No, but look who they're playing this week. Pick: Seattle

Joe: Seattle has looked like a feisty team against better competition, this is true. But they're still not good. And not-good teams end up playing to the level of their competition a lot of times. And the Browns seem to grind so many of their games to a 13-10 halt. That's the kind of game Cleveland's equipped to win. Pick: Cleveland

Atlanta at Detroit

Aaron: None of the Falcons' three wins have come against a team that currently sports a winning record. Surprisingly, only one of the Lions' five wins meets that criteria. Detroit didn't look good in last week's loss to the 49ers -- particularly QB Matthew Stafford -- and now they're without leading rusher Jahvid Best. Let's not fall all over ourselves making tired "chariot ---> pumpkin" clichés. That's what ESPN: First Take is for. Pick: Atlanta

Joe: Remember before the media began inventing random predictive stats like "Matt Ryan can't play in humidity" and "West Coast teams don't win when traveling east," there was the chestnut that said dome teams couldn't win Super Bowls? The Rams and Saints ended up disproving that one, but can dome teams from Atlanta or Detroit with quarterbacks named "Matt" win Super Bowls? History argues that they NEVER can. Pick: Atlanta

Denver at Miami

Aaron: New Broncos starting quarterback Tim Tebow...back in Florida...on the Lord's Day? From the perspective of biblical home field advantage, this will be the antithesis of that whole "Battle of Jericho" kerfuffle (Joshua 6: 1-27). Pick: Denver

Joe: I admit, my crappy fantasy football season has mirrored Denver's in that we're both turning to Tim Tebow for salvation. Lucky for me, I can win even if the Broncos lose. Which hopefully they won't do at dreadful Miami. Pick: Denver

San Diego at N.Y. Jets

Aaron: The Jets' 3-3 record is an eerily accurate reflection of their talent. They've defeated three mediocre teams (Dallas, Jacksonville, Miami) and lost to three good-to-very good teams (Oakland, New England, Baltimore). The 4-1 Chargers, meanwhile, haven't played a good game -- from start to finish -- all season. It would appear to be "clobberin' time". Pick: San Diego

Joe: It feels weird, after two seasons of being a de facto Jets fan (to spite the Patriots and the Boston-dominated sports media, mostly), to have to root against the Jets, so they stay behind the Bills in the standings. Still feels too early in the season for the Chargers to start whomping ass, unfortunately. Pick: NY Jets

Chicago at Tampa Bay

Aaron: The NFL's annual London game is usually played on sod flown in from the Dagobah System and won by the team that controls the time of possession with a superior ground game. That would seem to favor the healthier Bears and RB Matt Forte. Don't, however, underestimate Jay Cutler's ability to ruin any narrative -- here or abroad. Pick: Chicago

Joe: Ugh, the London game. Almost as terrible and joyless as the annual Toronto game, with London only getting a break because their "football" is another sport entirely and confusion over team names like "Buccaneers" sounding more like an awful-tasting English dinner than something to be cheered. Chicago just seems more at home in ugly, dire conditions, right? Pick: Chicago

Houston at Tennessee

Aaron: More fun with small sample sizes -- the Texans averaged 30 points per game against their first three opponents (Indianapolis, Miami, New Orleans) of the 2011 season. Over their next three games, including a pair against the tough defense of Pittsburgh and Baltimore, the Texans averaged just 17 points. Their opponent this week plays pretty good defense, so...spoiler alert! Pick: Tennessee

Joe: This will be a better barometer of how Houston looks without Andre Johnson and Mario Williams than that Ravens game was. They'd have lost that game anyway. It's probably dumb to pick the hobbled team against the home team with a good defense, put counter-picking Cam worked out well last week, so ... Pick: Houston

Pittsburgh at Arizona

Aaron: I am grudgingly ready to accept that Cardinals QB Kevin Kolb might not be as good as everyone thought he'd be during that one week in August 2010 when 10,000 articles were written about him. He would appear to be the NFL equivalent to pogs and Zubaz. Pick: Pittsburgh

Joe: The Cardinals are tough little bastards at home, and Pittsburgh did exactly what I thought they'd do last week as they looked bad while beating the Jags. Arizona at home is tempting as hell, but they're a team Roethlisberger can throw on. Be prepared for me to smugly have my cake and eat it too if the Cards do win, though. Pick: Pittsburgh

Kansas City at Oakland

Aaron: So, my Raiders went out and acquired disgruntled quarterback Carson Palmer from Cincinnati. While I'm of the belief that back-up QB Kyle Boller could hand the ball to RB Darren McFadden 30 times and dump wobbly loaves of bread 10 yards into the flat -- just like Raiders QB Jason Campbell has done for the past two seasons -- I'm fine with the acquisition...but, not the cost. With the not-so-surprising rumors that Palmer has looked really rusty this past week and may not start, this one could be closer than a lot of people think. Pick: Oakland

Joe: Despite the fact that they're one of Buffalo's main rivals for the AFC Wild Card (he says, thinking waaay too far ahead), I'm going to end up rooting for the Raiders if only to shut down the smug Carson Palmer media pile-on. That said, while reverse-psychology is the worst method for picking games, has there ever been a Chiefs-Raiders game that has gone the way it was expected to? Pick: Kansas City

St. Louis at Dallas

Aaron: Hey, it's the regular season NFL equivalent to baseball's World Series! Currently! In football, however, it's the team from Texas with the blowhard leader who's in front of every camera and it's the team from St. Louis that no one knows about outside of their home state. Pick: Dallas

Joe: Credit to the Cowboys for playing the Patriots way closer than I expected them to. I doubt they'll have to settle for a moral victory this time. Pick: Dallas

Green Bay at Minnesota

Aaron: At what point is it OK for the media to ignore Brett Favre? His comments regarding current Packers QB Aaron Rodgers and how he "...fell into a good situation..." were akin to your grandfather commenting on "these kids today" or sharing his outdated appellations for African-Americans. Pick: Green Bay

Joe: You have to feel for the media a little bit. This twice-annual matchup used to feature Favre's relentless self-regard and at least one ready-made Randy Moss controversy. Now, what? Aaron Rodgers's unflashy excellence? Christian Ponder, the boringest of the rookie QBs? Poor Tony Siragusa is going to have to start literally tap-dancing on the sidelines. Pick: Green Bay

Indianapolis at New Orleans

Aaron: The upshot of yet another Peyton Manning-free prime time appearance for Indianapolis is getting to hear eternal back-up quarterback Curtis Painter say his name and college when NBC goes through the player-introduced starting lineups. No, I'm serious. That's the only reason to watch. Pick: New Orleans

Joe: So the media has turned on (or at least tired of) the Saints now that they're not scoring 50 points a game anymore and the Katrina narrative has grown tired. I'm sure Bob Costas will trump up something ridiculous for his weekly soft-focus tone-poetry. Perhaps the current state of the po' boy? Pick: New Orleans

Baltimore at Jacksonville

Aaron: "Alright, Joe Flacco...you hate me and I hate you even more. But without my beloved Tom Brady, you're all I've got in fantasy football this week. So I want you to remember some inspiring words that...someone else might have told you over the course of your life and go out there and win!" Pick: Baltimore

Joe: HA HA HA HA. Oh, Monday Night Football. You once-proud old grizzly bear. Pick: Baltimore

TBG Eats: The NEW Bacon Ranch Chicken Flatbread Sandwich from Taco Bell

2011-10-18T22:52:00.000-07:00

Current Weight: 165.2 lbs.

Suggested new eatery to wife. She said she's eaten there twice - violating the "old married couple" credo. This is "date night adultery". -- From my Twitter feed.

Next month, Mrs. Bootleg and I will celebrate our nine-year wedding anniversary. "Celebrate", of course, is in the eye of the beholder. For our first anniversary, we went to dinner at one of those pretentious steakhouses where 80% of the interior decor -- from the booths to the menus -- is made from leather. In 2012, for our tenth anniversary, we've kicked around the idea of doing New York (this time together!)

But, in roughly three weeks, for an anniversary that's neither the first or divisible by five? Date night.

Date night has evolved significantly since my wife and I actually...y'know...started dating. It's not better. It's not worse. It's just...different. It has limits. In fact, I remember when "date night" -- for us -- changed forever.

On our second anniversary, Mrs. Bootleg and I had designs on dinner and a movie. We found an upscale Italian restaurant in a section of San Diego that teetered precariously between "sketchy" and "respectable". To this day, I remember my linguine with mussels and being mildly repulsed at my plate full of mollusks. The half-open shells implied that their collective stock pot-caused deaths occurred mid-scream.

I also enjoyed several whiskey-based cocktails that evening. In fact, I drank so much that we had to cancel the "movie" portion of dinner and a movie. (Since we'd planned to see Jamie Foxx in Ray, my actions incurred the wrath of both Mrs. Bootleg AND the National Black Caucus.) Not long after that, "dinner and a movie" became "dinner or a movie". When we go out to dinner, my wife and I can enjoy a large meal at a leisurely pace and be home before the food coma kicks in. When we go to the movies, we'll see an evening show and then visit our usual watering hole -- blending in seamlessly with the bar patrons who are 62.5% of our age.

It just so happened to be "movie night" a few weeks ago, so Mrs. Bootleg and I saw Moneyball. It was the second time for me and while I enjoyed the film (again), I think I might've been more excited for our post-theater drinks at Callahan's. Their signature red ale is one of my favorite beers and I'd deliberately skipped dinner so I'd have room for an 11:00 PM sourdough bread bowl of their famous Irish stew -- which is akin to eating perfectly seasoned spoonfuls of a petting zoo.

Mrs. Bootleg, however, called an audible and suggested we try a different nightcap location.

As most of you know, my wife loves margaritas. Unfortunately, Callahan's doesn't make them. This would've been the perfect time for me to exercise one of those rare marital vetoes, but I'd just made my wife sit through more than two hours of cinematic sabermetrics. Besides, I could tell by the casual insistence in her voice that she was subliminally begging me to push back on the subject -- just so she could remind me that I'd made her sit through more than two hours of cinematic sabermetrics. I opted not to give her the nag-centric satisfaction.

So, instead of Callahan's, we pulled up to Miguel's Cocina -- a cookie-cutter, casual dining faux-ican spot that provided the delicious margaritas Mrs. Bootleg craved and at least passable sustenance for me.

No, wait. The kitchen's closed.

Oh, well...at least my wife got what she wanted all along.

No, wait. She had just two or three sips of her margarita. She obviously didn't like it. If we had gone to Callahan's, Mrs. Bootleg could've had an impossible-to-screw-up glass of wine. And, food.

All of this explains how we ended up at the Taco Bell drive-thru window an hour later.

Last year, I reviewed TB's Chicken Flatbread Sandwich. It was a solid -- albeit simplistic -- snack that was tastier than the sum of its parts and positioned at a sensible price. It's been brought back for a limited time and joined by a new Bacon Ranch version. Here's the description from Taco Bell's website:

A warm, soft flatbread layered with 100% marinated all-white-meat chicken, a three cheese blend and topped with bacon ranch sauce.

The chalky-dry flatbread remains unchanged from the original. The chunks of chicken are still sparse and Taco Bell's three cheese blend is -- as always -- an indiscernible confluence of cheddar, pepper jack and mozzarella. It was the chipotle sauce that carried last year's Chicken Flatbread Sandwich. This time, TB seeks the same result with a bacon ranch sauce.

It's a decent condiment that's hurt by two of its attributes. First, it's very thin. As a contrast to the other elements, it should've been thicker -- perhaps more "spread" than "sauce". Second, the imitation bacon flavor in the sauce tastes very artificial. Imagine a Bac-Os Extract and you'll get the idea.

Taco Bell's Bacon Ranch Chicken Flatbread Sandwich isn't awful, but simply doesn't work as well as the original. It could really use some real bacon flavor and mouthfeel.

Remember: if you're settling for fake bacon, it means your wife won.

Grade: 2.5 (out of 5) Calories: 300 Fat: 16g

2011 NFL Pickery -- Week #6

2011-10-16T08:30:00.000-07:00

Last Week

Aaron: 10-3
Joe: 8-5

Current Standings

Aaron: 52-25
Joe: 45-32

Carolina at Atlanta

Aaron: Based on ten years of hard evidence, here's what we know about black quarterbacks who play in Atlanta: first they blow up (in the "urban dictionary" hippity-hoppity sense) like Michael Vick from 2001-06 and then they blow up (in the more traditional figurative sense) like Michael Vick in the summer of 2007. And, assuming this theory applies to black quarterbacks from visiting teams… Pick: Carolina

Joe: Carolina's the hot upset pick this week, but on the road against a team that's managed to somehow deservedly get an undeserved reputation for being crappy, I think Cam Newton ends up falling short again. Pick: Atlanta

Indianapolis at Cincinnati

Aaron: I hope self-exiled Bengals QB Carson Palmer waits a few more weeks to lift his media silence. With the Colts and Seahawks on the horizon, the Bengals could be 5-2 very soon. From there, they have Tennessee, Pittsburgh, Baltimore, Pittsburgh and Houston over five of the following six weeks. Along the same lines, I hope Palmer's only public statement is "See?!" Pick: Cincinnati

Joe: Well, the Painter-to-Garcon dynasty looked pretty great last week even if the defense couldn't stop Dwayne Bowe from catching touchdowns with his shoelaces. They're on the verge of getting that first big W, but Cincy still has my prison-loyalty from a few weeks ago, so ... Pick: Cincinnati

Jacksonville at Pittsburgh

Aaron: The Steelers' remaining schedule is dotted with just enough cupcakes to mask their obvious decline and possibly ensure at least one home playoff game in January. If this happens, I hope the rest of you will join me in betting the entirety of your child's college fund against Pittsburgh. It'll be free money, yo. Pick: Pittsburgh

Joe: Look, I'm not going to pretend that Ben Roethlisberger's five touchdowns weren't much-appreciated last week, but it did smack of getting all their offensive output out of their system in one game. They won't need nearly that much to beat the Jags, but I bet this one is ugly and closer than it should be. Pick: Pittsburgh

Buffalo at New York Giants

Aaron: If I lived in New York and had even a modicum of tolerance for sports-talk radio, I would've loved to have listened to the aftermath of the Giants' inexplicable home loss to Seattle. I might have to look into which NYC broadcasts I can stream this week. Pick: Buffalo

Joe: There's almost no way I'm not going to regret what I'm about to type, but: watching the Bills win over Philly last week, I really felt like I was watching a tide turning. It's not like the Bills haven't had hot streaks in recent years (4-of-5 in 2006, 6-of-8 in 2007, 5-1 to start the 2008 season), but especially on offense, this doesn't feel like a mediocre team riding a wave of good fortune. This is a good, confident team. It'd be nice if the defense could stop a drive in the second half without getting a turnover, though. That would be great. Anyway, I'm just happy that they've reached a point where I don't have to pick against them for fear of bad juju. Pick: Buffalo

San Francisco at Detroit

Aaron: Based solely on combined winning percentage, this is pretty much your "game of the week", America. And, be honest...could you name five Detroit Lions even if I spotted you QB Matthew Stafford, RB Jahvid Best, WR Calvin Johnson and DE Ndamukong Suh? HEY...without looking it up! Pick: Detroit

Joe: TE Brandon Pettigrew, suckaaaa! It's kind of cool that the rise of the 49ers to 4-1 has pushed Detroit out of the "For real or pretenders?" circle (along with the Bills) and into a realm where everybody just takes it as given that they're good. ...Which IS the case, make no mistake. Niners coming down to Earth in a hurry this week. Pick: Detroit

St. Louis at Green Bay

Aaron: I love that this State Farm insurance commercial with Packers QB Aaron Rodgers celebrates what might be the worst touchdown dance in NFL history. Your 25-year reign of terror is over, Ickey Shuffle. Pick: Green Bay

Joe: When you're scoring as many touchdowns as Aaron Rodgers is, he can celebrate however he wants to. As I'm sure he will this week. Pick: Green Bay

Philadelphia at Washington

Aaron: A few weeks ago, Sports Illustrated published a piece on Philadelphia sports fans and how their long-standing image as belligerent mouth-breathers had been soften by the success of the Phillies. I would welcome a follow-up article on this subject. Pick: Washington

Joe: Ugh. I hate picking the Redskins in this game. I hate picking the Redskins in any game. Are they really the favorites in the NFC East without ONE offensive player who strikes anything approaching fear in the hearts of opponents? Maybe the anything-goes nature of these intra-divisional games is what Philly needs to snap themselves out of whatever is wrong with them? Pick: Philadelphia

Cleveland at Oakland

Aaron: For the first time ever, my seven-year-old son has taken an interest in this lightly-read blog. He particularly enjoys these football picks. Last Sunday, after seeing that I had picked against our Raiders for the fifth consecutive week, Jalen bluntly remarked, "Why does Joe believe in the Raiders more than you?!" I had no retort. Pick: Oakland

Joe: THAT'S A REALLY GOOD QUESTION, JALEN. The should-win game is always a big test for an emerging team, but I just don't think the Browns have an answer for Darren McFadden. Pick: Oakland

Houston at Baltimore

Aaron: The Ravens are at home after a bye week. The Texans are on the road and will play without their best offensive player and their best defensive player. Sometimes hackneyed comedic bits aren't required to effectively pick football games, kids. Pick: Baltimore

Joe: Don't worry, Bill Simmons! With Joe Flacco on one side and Matt Schaub on the other, you can comfort yourself with the knowledge that one of them HAD to win. The improved Texans defense probably isn't as improved without Mario Williams, is my guess. Pick: Baltimore

New Orleans at Tampa Bay

Aaron: Trap game for the Saints? The Buccaneers aren't nearly as awful as they looked in a 45-point loss to San Francisco last week and they're playing at home. But, while the Saints have been unimpressive on defense, their offense continues to obliterate the opposition. And, if we've learned nothing else from video games, it's that it is possible to keep the ball forever... and score. Pick: New Orleans

Joe: Trap game for the Saints! The Buccaneers aren't nearly as awful as they looked in a 45-point loss to San Francisco last week and they're playing at home. I have nothing else to day. Pick: Tampa Bay

Dallas at New England

Aaron: Arguably, the two most loathed NFL teams of my lifetime by the general public. This, of course, assumes that the general public doesn't have Tom Brady and Wes Welker on their money-league fantasy football team like I do. F*ck the haters, Patriots. Pick: New England

Joe: I don't think Dallas (nor Tony Romo) is as bad as people are cackling about. But they're not equipped to go into New England and win. Pick: New England

Minnesota at Chicago

Aaron: When Donovan McNabb played for the Eagles and Redskins, he won nearly 60% of his games against other NFC East opponents. I am of the belief that McNabb's intra-division statistics are going to take a hit this season. Pick: Chicago

Joe: I have a feeling the Bears are going to be one of those maddeningly hard to pin down 9-7 teams this season. They should be able to hold serve against the crappy Vikes, though. Pick: Chicago

Miami at New York Jets

Aaron: While searching for the name of Miami's current quarterback, I came across the headline "Don't Underestimate Miami Dolphins QB Matt Moore". I'm going to take my chances on that one, y'all. Pick: NY Jets

Joe: I know the Jets haters are rubbing their hands gleefully at the thought that the off-puttingly beautiful Mark Sanchez and his boys could repeat last season's embarrassing loss to Miami. Those people should maybe get a grip. Pick: NY Jets

Don't Look at Me

2011-10-11T00:33:00.000-07:00

Back from dentist. 1st cavity ever. Once luminous smile now hideously twisted. Searching for this mask, but for mouth. -- From my Twitter feed, October 3.

I've had the same dentist for the past 12 years. Her office is equidistant between my house and my employer. The waiting room is always stocked with the suburban equivalent (Us Weekly, OK! Magazine) to those ubiquitous black barbershop periodicals (Jet, Ebony). And, save for a single crown (thanks to a rogue Corn-Nut), I've never had any dental issues -- including cavities.

Now, that's not to say I enjoy every visit to the dentist.

During my biannual cleanings -- without fail -- my dentist attempts to upsell the latest hygienic and/or cosmetic innovations to me. I wouldn't mind her efforts to market to my mouth if she didn't use passive-aggressive digs as part of her sales pitch.

When I first started seeing her, she'd half-heartedly recommend Invisalign and other adult braces. ("You don't NEED them, but don't you want a nice smile?") From there, she began pushing teeth-whitening agents. ("I can tell you drink a lot of coffee. This would help with that!") Most recently, it's been the $200 sonic toothbrush kits. ("It will help your gum line look healthier!")

Last Monday, I prepared myself for the revelation of yet another oral shortcoming. While fully reclined in the chair, my dentist took a perfunctory peek inside my mouth before beginning the cleaning. Moments later, she determined I'd developed a cavity in my lower right wisdom tooth. And, she declared this diagnosis with the same absence of urgency one would exhibit upon finding five cents in the pocket of an old pair of pants.

My dentist offered to fill in the cavity right then and there, but the thought of a needle immediately in my mouth was incredibly unnerving. Instead, I scheduled an appointment for three days later -- unwittingly ensuring a 72-hour extension of "incredibly unnerving".

This past Thursday, I spent most of my lunch hour researching any possible links between aspirin allergies and Novocain. While I couldn't find anything substantive, I was still talking myself into the paranoid, panicky idea that Novocain could kill me. My anxiety was undoubtedly rooted in my most recent visit to Urgent Care -- when the doctor recommended medicine that could've killed me. It's harder than you'd think to shake those memories, yo.

Later that day, I was back in the dentist's chair -- once again, fully reclined -- with two pairs of eyes looking down upon my mouth. My dentist reviewed the x-rays with her assistant and prepared the anesthetic. I rigidly readied myself for the needle and the resultant discomfort. The cold adamantium penetrated my mandible. Soon, I'd be feeling...an unusually large amount of liquid at the back of my throat?

"OK, don't swallow. Do NOT swallow!"

Admittedly, I know little about the inner workings of the medical profession. But, in an instant I've culled my memories of television and movies. The only times a doctor raises his or her voice to a patient is when they're about to lose one ("Stay with me! Stay with me!") Is this blood pooling atop my tonsils? Was it the embarrassing by-product of my gag reflex?

"I'm sorry, Aaron. Most of the anesthetic sprayed back into your mouth. I think it's because your alveolar is particularly uneven. I wasn't expecting that."

My dentist gave me a second injection and warned that the effects would linger longer than with a single shot. She also mentioned that the numbness would almost certainly be "less localized" due to the splash-back off my malformed alveolar. The cavity wasn't deep, so the filling only took a few minutes. But, my lifelong winning streak against the cavity creeps had been snapped.

The below picture of me in the jacket and tie was taken two months ago. The other was taken as I walked through the door after my dental adventure had ended.

"Don't look at me if you're looking for perfection
Don't look at me; I will only let you down..."

2011 NFL Pickery -- Week #5

2011-10-09T08:50:00.000-07:00

Last Week

Aaron: 12-4
Joe: 7-9

Current Standings

Aaron: 42-22
Joe: 37-27

Philadelphia at Buffalo

Aaron: In the immediate aftermath of the Bills loss to the Bengals last week, I reached out to Joe through Twitter. His caustic response ("Garbage. Just absolute garbage.") was equal parts passionate and "sports talk radio". Speaking of which, heaven help the airwaves of Philadelphia should the Eagles lose here in the same weekend that the Phillies' season ended. Pick: Buffalo

Joe: Well they DID play like garbage. A team that can't prevent Andy Dalton and Bernard Scott is playing like garbage. The Eagles must've also played like garbage to lose to San Francisco like they did. That gives me hope. But doesn't it seem like the Eagles wait for everybody to write them off before pulling out gaudy midseason wins that have everybody foolishly talking Super Bowl? Sigh. Pick: Philadelphia

New Orleans at Carolina

Aaron: Panthers rookie Cam Newton has gotten an awful lot of love in his first month -- and the resurrection of favorite target Steve Smith is keeping my fantasy team afloat. But, Carolina's current record is 1-3 and they've yet to beat a team that isn't Jacksonville in conditions more manageable than a monsoon. Pick: New Orleans

Joe: I am still not entirely confident in the Saints on the road, and at some point the Panthers are going to pull out one of these close games. Pick: Carolina

Oakland at Houston

Aaron: As long my Raiders continue to feed an environment -- particularly on defense -- without discipline or decorum, they'll continue to struggle against top-tier teams and/or on the road. The Texans aren't a top-tier team, but "...at Houston" has the makings of a loud crowd and three or four false start penalties in the first half for Oakland. Can't wait! Pick: Houston

Joe: I'd feel better if the Raiders were at home, but Houston made enough mistakes last week that what should have been a blowout against suddenly-inept Pittsburgh to make me think they'll let the Raiders hang around. And that's when the "Win It For Al!" factor kicks in! Pick: Oakland

Kansas City at Indianapolis

Aaron: The Chiefs' two road losses came against the undefeated Lions and the one-loss Chargers. Obviously, it's too early to play the "strength of schedule" caveat, so instead I'll play the always-dependable "amateur psychiatrist" card. Remember...opponents always get up for a winless team like Indianapolis, so they're NOT the first win. (Not a guarantee.) Pick: Kansas City

Joe: I can't decide whether the Colts' close loss last week at Tampa was a sign that they're going down fighting, or that the score was deceptive and Indy was mostly shut down but for two lucky bombs to Garcon. ...Whatever, somebody's gotta support Curtis Painter and his lustrous head of Farrah hair. Pick: Indianapolis

Cincinnati at Jacksonville

Aaron: Neither of these teams can score, while the Bengals own the best defense in the league and the Jaguars -- the Jaguars! -- are in the top ten. This has "13-12" as the final score written all over it. In fact, all of those sanctimonious columnists who bashed the fans of the Tampa Bay Rays for not showing up during the playoffs should write similarly critical pieces in event anyone attends this unwatchable slog. Pick: Cincinnati

Joe: Now that the Bengals punched my Bills in the mouth, I'm forced to show them respect. Prison rules -- hey, I didn't write 'em! Pick: Cincinnati

Arizona at Minnesota

Aaron: With Kevin Kolb and Donovan McNabb taking the snaps in this game, it's safe to say we're going to see the single greatest game involving two former Eagles quarterbacks who were once on Philadelphia's roster at the same time. That is unless Ty Detmer and Rodney Peete faced off against each other after spending the 1996 season together. Pick: Minnesota

Joe: I'm disappointed you didn't go with the annual Ty vs. Koy Detmer family Thanksgiving flag football game. Anyway, Arizona got royally hosed out of that game vs. the Giants and are a team ever-so-slightly better than their record. But I don't like them on the road, not when Adrian Peterson could rip off a 200-yard game at any moment (HINT!). Pick: Minnesota

Seattle at N.Y. Giants

Aaron: This will be the Seahawks second cross-country trip in three weeks. Early last month, they lost in Pittsburgh, 24-0. This time, there will be better restaurants...and that's where the differences end. Pick: NY Giants

Joe: I don't like the way Seattle has been keeping games close when they shouldn't be close. Here's hoping that cross-country juju still works. Pick: NY Giants

Tennessee at Pittsburgh

Aaron: After Titans RB Chris Johnson's touchdown-free, 101-yard fantasy football "breakout" for me last week against Cleveland, I'm ready to accept substantially less against Pittsburgh on the road. Yup...acceptance. I'm through all five stages of grief in the first five weeks of the NFL season. Pick: Pittsburgh

Joe: So maybe Tennessee is good? They've beaten bad teams and good ones, and the farther we get away from that Week 1 Jacksonville loss the easier it gets to call it a fluke. And as Cam mentioned, Chris Johnson hasn't even gone off yet. Pittsburgh, meanwhile, just looks godawful, and the farther we get away from that Week 2 blanking of Seattle the easier it gets to call it a fluke. And they're banged up. Pick: Tennessee

Tampa Bay at San Francisco

Aaron: I have no idea how the 49ers are 3-1. My favorite stat is their 107 pass attempts through the first four weeks -- the lowest number in the NFL. New head coach Jim Harbaugh will NOT let QB Alex Smith beat them. As far as I know, this strategy has never been employed by any other team in the league. Pick: San Francisco

Joe: I know beating Indianapolis is no badge of honor, but watching the Bucs win on Monday night, after being down in the second half and refusing to accept a loss to an inferior team, I was very encouraged. Maybe Josh Freeman IS worth all that oversized Bill Simmons love. Pick: Tampa Bay

San Diego at Denver

Aaron: The Chargers have beaten three mediocre teams and none by a margin of more than 10 points. These intra-division games are usually hard-fought affairs, but at some point, San Diego needs to start obliterating the teams that they're obviously better than. How else will they keep the predictive preseason narrative alive? Pick: San Diego

Joe: With Peyton Manning now fallen to injury, the most reliable presence in NFL football is now "Aaron Cameron's passive-aggressive comments about the Chargers before he picks them anyway." May it never abate. Pick: San Diego

N.Y. Jets at New England

Aaron: If I understand this correctly, Jets fans are generally Mets fans, right? So, America won't be able to double down on the Yankees ALDS loss and the Jets losing three in a row here. Whatever. I assume this is all part of the karmic balance in response to all of us enjoying the Red Sox's demise a little too much. Pick: New England

Joe: Just because you're right about Red Sox karma boomeranging back on New York doesn't mean I'd trade it for one second of my week's worth of glee. I regret nothing! Pick: New England

Green Bay at Atlanta

Aaron: I'm not ready to write off the Falcons yet. They got bullied by a formidable Bears defense and lost to the Buccaneers in a sauna on the road. Atlanta's one great performance this season came at home on a Sunday night. Never bet against a trend, kids. Pick: Atlanta

Joe: Oof. I'm not ready to write off the Falcons yet either, but I'm less ready to start betting against the Packers. Green Bay hung 48 on Atlanta in the playoffs last year, and that was on a week when Brett Favre wasn't making bitchy comments in the media about Aaron Rodgers. Pick: Green Bay

Chicago at Detroit

Aaron: The Detroit Lions are playing a meaningful game on a Monday night in October? The Detroit Tigers are, too? What is this, 1972? (Trust me, I looked it up.) Pick: Detroit

Joe: If this all leads to a new round of commercials where Eminem threatens us not to mess with Detroit, I'm out. Until that happens, I am fully enjoying the best Lions team since Wayne Fontes and Erik Kramer were around. Pick: Detroit

2011 NFL Pickery -- Week #4

2011-10-02T08:32:00.000-07:00

Last Week

Joe: 9-7
Aaron: 8-8

Current Standings

Joe: 30-18
Aaron: 30-18

Carolina at Chicago

Aaron: I was all ready to be like, "Cam Newton and the Panthers get their first real test of the season -- an opponent that plays defense. From the mouth of last week's monsoon to the 'Monsters of the Midway' this week." Then, I saw that the Bears have allowed the eighth most yards from scrimmage and my alliterative quip was ruined. Pick: Chicago

Joe: Ohhhh, how much do I want to pick the Panthers in this one. But on the road against a Bears team that isn't terrible, just not great? Not quite, Carolina. Pick: Chicago

Buffalo at Cincinnati

Aaron: Here's hoping Buffalo plays well enough -- long enough -- to land a Sunday night "flex game" on NBC. I will set my DVR for the players' self-introductions, holding out hope that the Bills quarterback looks right into the camera and says with a dismissive, condescending sneer, "Ryan Joseph Fitzpatrick. Harvard University. Wonderlic score: 49." Pick: Buffalo

Joe: This kind of game scares me a billion times more than the Patriots. Now the pressure is all on the Bills to take care of a "bad" team even though this bad team has shown unexpected signs of life. Buffalo has played well in Cincinnati over the last few years, even in potential trap-game scenarios like these, which is encouraging. It would be great to watch the Bills just handle this game like a good team is supposed to handle a not-so-good team. I'll be quaking in my boots until that happens. Pick: Buffalo

Washington at St. Louis

Aaron: Weeks from now, we'll all look back to early September when I picked the Rams to beat the Eagles and laugh. That is, unless most of you already got it out of your systems back in early September. Last week, the Redskins lost to a quarterback who was one hit away from complete organ failure. This week, they face an entire team with a similarly fitting description. Pick: Washington

Joe: I'm willing to stick with the Rams until their schedule gets a little less crazy (i.e. until they get into the cushiony marshmallow fluff of the NFC West). And hey, Steven Jackson's back this week! Yeah! Pick: St. Louis

San Francisco at Philadelphia

Aaron: The 49ers are one overtime loss away from being 3-0 to start the season. This despite ranking 28th in passing yards and 30th in rushing yards. The enigmatic Eagles are clearly the better team, but at some point they're going to need to beat someone who's not in the NFC West. Pick: Philadelphia

Joe: Getting a paper tiger like the Niners at home on a week when you're ailing is the closest thing to chicken soup the NFL can possibly serve up. Pick: Philadelphia

Minnesota at Kansas City

Aaron: Last week, the 0-3 Vikings blew a double-digit halftime lead for the third straight game and the 0-3 Chiefs lost on a last-second interception immediately after stopping Chargers on 4th and 1. When the participants are this pathetic, it's best to play the "which team has the best player" prognostication justification and move on. Pick: Minnesota

Joe: Shame about that choke-job last week, Vikes. Maybe somehow find a way to get the ball to Adrian goddamn Peterson in the second half this time? Pick: Minnesota

New Orleans at Jacksonville

Aaron: How close are we to seeing erstwhile Jaguars QB David Garrard sue his former team? His release last month was clearly not performance based (at least, based on the performance of his replacements). Oh, if only there were a collection of Garrard's peers who were united for their rank and file. This mythical entity would most assuredly protect one of their own, no? Pick: New Orleans

Joe: Between Darren Sproles and Lance Moore, the Saints are becoming that most wonderful of NFL archetypes: the team full of tiny, speedy spitfires. At some point, just for fun, I wonder if New Orleans could just pull a Chinese fire drill around the Jags' defense. ...Oh, like it's out of the question that Sean Payton's playbook would include that. Pick: New Orleans

Pittsburgh at Houston

Aaron: You say, "This'll be a good test for Houston." I say it'll be a good test for Pittsburgh. Their two wins were against the execrable Seahawks and the Colts -- who Houston beat by 27 versus the Steelers' three-point squeaker in Indianapolis last Sunday night. So, based on that bastardization of the transitive property... Pick: Houston

Joe: Damn you for taking my exact reasoning. Something's rotten in Pittsburgh this season, and since I have no qualitative analysis of the players or offensive/defensive schemes available, I'm just going to go ahead and blame it on Troy Polomalu's Head-n-Shoulders commercials. Pick: Houston

Detroit at Dallas

Aaron: The Lions have a top ten offense (10th) and defense (6th)? Against a squad with a national following, this could be Detroit's official coming out party. They haven't been this relevant since Michael Keaton wore a Lions hat in several scenes of the 1983 comedy Mr. Mom. It was set in Detroit, you see. The suburbs, I presume. Pick: Detroit

Joe: I don't think the Cowboys have gotten any less schizophrenic (or banged-up), but I think they end up doing to Detroit what Minnesota did, except for the back-breaking second-half comeback part. Pick: Dallas

Tennessee at Cleveland

Aaron: I'm taking the week off from bitching about Titans RB Chris Johnson and his negligible impact on my fantasy football team. Instead, I'll mention that Browns RB Peyton Hillis -- also on my fantasy team -- missed last week due to strep throat. The only upshot is that Hillis' absence gave back-up Montario Hardesty some playing time. I love that name. It sounds like something from A Charles Dickens Joint. Pick: Tennessee

Joe: Both of these teams are tied for first place in their respective divisions. Both of THESE teams. BOTH of these teams. I can keep finding new words to capitalize or you can all agree with me that that's ridiculous. Pick: Cleveland

Atlanta at Seattle

Aaron: I'm going to go ahead and blindly pick against Seattle all season. They won't finish 1-15, but I'm confident my method will work a lot more than it won't. Pick: Atlanta

Joe: I love all media pouncing on Atlanta for losing a bad-weather divisional road game against a good team, just a week after they were lauding them for beating the Eagles. I'm convinced this is all coming from people who have owned Matt Ryan on their fantasy teams and are furious at him for not being a big-stat guy. (I, um, might know how they feel.) Pick: Atlanta

N.Y. Giants at Arizona

Aaron: Looking ahead at the Giants' upcoming schedule, there's a possibility they could be 5-2 through October. And, with a November slate that includes at New England, Philadelphia, at New Orleans and Green Bay, they could be 6-6 after the first week of December. Bet accordingly, kids. Pick: NY Giants

Joe: Oh, kids, I've seen this movie before. Pick: Arizona

Miami at San Diego

Aaron: It was announced this week that the Chargers fell 6,500 tickets short of a sell out, so this game will be blacked out here in San Diego. Oh, glorious schadenfreude! But, all is not lost, citizens of my adopted hometown. We'll now get a game that we otherwise wouldn't have if the Chargers were on TV. I think you know where I'm going with this. Pick: San Diego

Joe: See, that will never happen to me here in New York, Cam. That concrete prison block in East Rutherford will sell out no matter how many blowout losses the Jets suffer. ...Wait, the Chargers didn't get blown out last week? They actually won their game. Strong showing, San Diego fans. Strong showing. Pick: San Diego

New England at Oakland

Aaron: Yes! San Diego gets a 1:00 PM Raiders game and I don't have any obligations as a father, husband or employee! I think! At this point, I'm conceding that my season-long picks against the Raiders were targeted towards this specific game. No way am I allowing myself to believe the Raiders are disciplined enough on defense to stop Tom Brady. Still, this has "turning point" potential for Oakland -- win or lose -- so, expect my drinking to start early. Pick: New England

Joe: I'm just going to pat myself on the back right now for calling that Raiders win last week. I'd love to do so again, but I worry that back-to-back Brady upset losses would be too much to hope for. But I will sure be watching this one with interest. Pick: New England

Denver at Green Bay

Aaron: You know the drill -- I make the "Super Bowl XXXII rematch" reference by mentioning a few long-retired players from that game like, say, John Elway or Terrell Davis and fold them into a jab at the Broncos current roster. From there, I drop a random bit of trivia (Did you know Boyz II Men, Smokey Robinson, The Temptations and The Four Tops performed at the halftime show?) And, then I end with a polarizing punchline (There were more black people on the stage than on the field!) Fin. Pick: Green Bay

Joe: It really bothers me that this week has been all "three undefeated teams, two of them total Gomers in Buffalo and Detroit, and then the legitimate Green Bay Packers." I mean, what have they accomplished recently that the Bills and Lions haven't? I ask you! Pick: Green Bay

N.Y. Jets at Baltimore

Aaron: When Joe picked the Raiders to beat the Jets last week, he called it New York's "OMG the Jets are soooooo overrated" scare of the season. What'll it be when it happens again? Pick: Baltimore

Joe: Stick with me on this, but I actually thought the Jets gave me some reasons to be encouraged last week. The defense has not been good thus far this season, but the offense looked really solid on the road. And that Week 2 loss to the Titans really made me wonder what the hell is Baltimore's deal. Pick: NY Jets

Indianapolis at Tampa Bay

Aaron: The only thing worse than this game will be the inevitable annual dialogue about television ratings, regular season football and playoff baseball. Pick: Tampa Bay

Joe: All I will say to the Bucs is don't fill up on empty calories in this game. You want to be hungry later on when you face actual NFL competition. Pick: Tampa Bay

TBG Sees: Moneyball

2011-10-01T09:49:00.000-07:00

OK, 7:40 PM showing of Moneyball: entertain me & I'll promise not to audibly pick apart every inaccuracy for everyone in the theater. Deal? -- from my Twitter feed, September 24.

Through the eyes of the team's fans, the cinematic adaptation of Michael Lewis' polarizing 2003 bestseller could inadvertently serve as a metaphor for the current Oakland Athletics ballclub. That is to say I enjoyed the film, but I don't know if I could recommend it to a larger audience.

The 2011 Athletics were one of the most disappointing and depressing teams I've followed in my 30 years as an A's fan. But, they have a rookie second baseman named Jemile Weeks who was absolutely electrifying for long stretches after he was called up in June. On a squad without much crossover appeal or charisma, Weeks' flashiness out of the leadoff spot -- at the plate and on the basepaths -- was impossible to miss and easy to embrace.

In Moneyball, Brad Pitt is Jemile Weeks.

Well, actually, Pitt plays Oakland Athletics general manager Billy Beane. (But, stick around...I'll make the Weeks comparison work.) Moneyball opens with excruciating highlights from the fifth and final game of the 2001 American League Division Series. After winning the first two games against the mighty Yankees in New York, the A's would lose the next two at home in Oakland before dropping the clincher back in the Bronx. Faced with the expected loss of several free agents, Beane assumes the herculean task of replacing now-expensive offensive productivity at a fraction of its price on the open market.

I'm incredibly torn on Brad Pitt's performance. The film leans heavily on his incandescent charm -- particularly during the glacially-paced first 30 minutes -- and Pitt deftly softens Beane's more egocentric moments to the point where you just know he's right and everyone else is wrong, wrong, wrong. During the much-discussed "scout scene", Pitt's Billy Beane condescendingly shoves his new-school methods down the collective throats of his scouting staff -- who are practically depicted as cardboard cutouts from the Mesozoic Era. It's ham-fisted in its subtlety, but Pitt has perfected the concept of patter and sharpens the scene's bluntness to a slightly finer point.

There are other moments in Moneyball when Brad Pitt seems to be playing...Brad Pitt. During a pair of otherwise entertaining scenes, Beane is frantically working the phones -- several lines at a time -- in hopes of closing several trades. Here -- as the fast-talking, junk-food fueled snake-oil salesman -- a straight line could be drawn from Moneyball to Ocean's 11 to every late-night talk show appearance Pitt has ever made.

The supporting cast, thankfully, is much more consistent in their performances. Jonah Hill is fantastic as Beane's right-hand man Peter Brand. He's an insecure numbers-cruncher who grows into his skin before our eyes. In one of the film's best scenes, Brand is tasked with informing hotshot prospect Carlos Peña that he's been traded from Oakland to Detroit. It's an odd segment played as one long, awkward pause -- curiously, there are a LOT of those in this movie -- but, it's only briefly uncomfortable as Hill controls the moment.

In smaller roles, Philip Seymour Hoffman convincingly turns affable then-A's manager Art Howe into a seething, simmering pot of distrust and insecurity as he defies Beane -- and his dorky statistics -- at every turn. Meanwhile, Chris Pratt is solid as Scott Hatteberg -- the team's new first baseman who was one of the faces of the Moneyball era. (Although, his character's challenges and concerns with learning a new position are never really paid off in the film.)

Ultimately, all of the actors gamely lift Moneyball onto their shoulders, but fall short of bringing it all together.

The first quarter of the film remains stuck in first gear and just when it starts to build some momentum, the script slows it down again. There are a handful of flashbacks to Beane's own failed Major League Baseball career that actually work as a foreshadowing element, but they're still a bit clunky in execution. A scene where Beane picks up his 12-year-old daughter at the home of his ex-wife is downright mean in its depiction of his ex's new husband -- played as an emotionally and physically feeble spirit who knows nothing about sports, as if this were an overt character flaw.

Moneyball does, of course, build towards its obligatory climactic sports moment. Kind of. After a lot of mediocrity, the Oakland A's start winning...all the time. Real footage from the team's supersized 2002 winning streak is interspersed towards the end of the final act until we're back...at a regular season game in September. The A's take an 11-0 lead and are well on their way to winning their 20th straight until it all falls apart. It actually works as drama, though, thanks in part to a fleeting, dialogue-free moment from Hoffman who nails the epiphany scene that could've easily been played as paint-by-numbers. Instead, it's as close as we get to a confluence between the film's true protagonists: old-school instincts and new-school statistics.

But, since this is a baseball movie and Brad Pitt isn't playing a baseball player, the final sequence creaks to the finish line. Pitt furrows his brow and runs his hands through his hair in exasperation as Beane watches the climax unfold from the front row. In 2002, I watched this game from my living room. It was one of my favorite experiences as a sports fan. It almost certainly meant much less to you, though, which is why the final, final scenes are of a conflicted Beane as he ponders a more lucrative job offer.

Moneyball doesn't entirely succeed as a "something for everybody" film, but it comes closer than many of the more critical reviews would have you believe. Like the 2011 Oakland Athletics fed off of the frenetic, high-wattage energy of Jemile Weeks, Pitt's ~~leadoff~~ leading man performance here is strong enough to fuel Moneyball even during its slower moments. Again, I enjoyed the film as a whole and would absolutely see it a second time, but the subject matter spoke to me in a way that it might not to you.

Which is why you probably haven't heard of Jemile Weeks. Yet.

Three Baseball Guys: 2011 ALDS/NLDS Predictions

2011-10-01T09:05:00.000-07:00

For the third straight MLB postseason, I'm joined by disheartened New York Mets fan Tom Daniels and dispirited (in about four days from now) St. Louis Cardinals fan Eugene Tierney. As you know, I'm Aaron -- disconsolate Oakland A's fan. Last year, Tom picked every postseason series correctly. I'd say the odds of at least two of us NOT running the table are pretty strong this year!

Tampa Bay Rays v. Texas Rangers

Aaron: I hope everyone was paying attention as the 2010 Rangers obliterated the competition on their way to capturing the American League pennant. The "good pitching beats good hitting" myth was bludgeoned to death by Texas' collective lumber – including an ALDS beatdown of these very same Rays. Tampa Bay's underdog narrative has been written a thousand different ways over the past two days, but contrary to Josh Hamilton's pious denials, Goliath usually wins these wars – particularly when David is only eighth in the American League in runs scored, slugging percentage and OPS. Pick: Rangers in 4

Daniels: For the purpose of full disclosure, I haven't watched a whole lot of baseball since August. However, I couldn't help but watch the Red Sox and Braves make a run at the same type of humiliating collapse I lived through in 2007 (and 2008, but who's counting). You guys, the Rangers were really good last year and this year they scored 100 MORE runs than they did in 2010 and allowed 10 less. I can pretty much use last year's paragraph with a few modifications: After watching what ~~Cliff Lee~~ CJ Wilson did ~~to the Yankees~~ in his post-season starts last season, I have a really hard time believing even the mighty Rays can win a short series. The mantra that "one great pitcher can win a short series" will very much be on display here. Beside the point, it's not like ~~CJ Wilson~~ Matt Harrison and Colby Lewis are total scrubs. Two wins from ~~Cliff Lee~~ CJ Wilson and 1-2 in their other three games? That's unreasonable? I don't think it is. Pick: Rangers in 5

Eugene: This a toss up to me. Last year, the Rangers had Cliff Lee anchoring the rotation. While C.J. Wilson is good, he's no Cliff Lee. This team can still hit though. The Rays have a ton of momentum right now. Everything seems to be clicking. I see them improving on last year's playoff performance. Pick: Rays in 5

Detroit Tigers v. New York Yankees

Aaron: If you'll forgive my continued use of superfluous quotation marks, I'd offer that Justin Verlander will be a pretty good test case for the annual "great pitcher in a short series" discussion. During the regular season, Verlander pitched against the Yankees twice and posted a 4.50 ERA. Obviously, considering the sample size and absence of context, this means less than nothing now. Hell, in two starts against the Orioles this year, his ERA was 4.80. These are two very good offenses dotted with a few great hitters who'll be seeing a real drop-off from each team's ace arm in games two, three and five. The last man standing wins. We all know that will be Derek Jeter. As we learned this week, he's NOT Jose Reyes. Am I right, New York? Pick: Yankees in 5

Daniels: I am admittedly geeking out over the game one match-up of Sabathia and Verlander. I am also geeking out for the inevitable offseason wrangling that will start when Sabathia executes his contract's opt-out clause and the Yankees need to pony up $30M/year to keep him or watch him go to a National League team so he can bat again. The Yankees, as usual, are pretty good but they're also a comedy of problems. They're keeping Jorge Posada on the postseason roster when he really has no business being there. Jeter is fading and has feasted on bad pitching to get himself -- almost -- back up to average. Lost amongst the MVP talk is that the Curtis Granderson train has flown off the rails in September, assembling a stat-line of .198/.298/.363 since August 31st. Now, they're facing good postseason pitching which tends to exploit and emphasize every single weakness. That leaves Teixeira and Cano as the big bats to avoid while we see if A-Rod actually does have the postseason monkey off his back since adding some diamonds to his ring finger. Meanwhile.... Verlander and Cabrera. Miggy has demolished the Yankees his entire career. Unless they plan on never pitching to him, his 1.5+(!) OPS in Yankee Stadium III may, just may, come in to play. Pick: Tigers in 5

Eugene: The Yankees have gotten by all season with C.C. Sabathia and a cast of misfits. Amazingly, they had the best run differential in baseball. I don't think the rotation is "playoff" caliber. The Tigers can match Justin Verlander with C.C. no problem, but they have questions too. In the end, I think the Yankees squeak it out. Pick: Yankees in 5

Arizona Diamondbacks v. Milwaukee Brewers

Aaron: Before everyone finalizes their coronation plans for the Phillies, you might want to take a look at that Milwaukee offense: first in slugging percentage, second in OPS and total bases, fifth in runs scored. Yes, Prince Fielder is an unapologetic, unshaven ass and Ryan Braun's "aw, shucks" bug-eyed pretty boy act is a grotesque contrast of marketing gimmicks, but they can hit. On the mound, Zack Grienke and Yovani Gallardo have been taking other team's lunch money all season. Arizona finally wields the finished product that is Justin Upton, but 21-game winner Ian Kennedy isn't facing the impotent Dodgers, Giants or Padres offenses for the umpteenth time in this series. Pick: Brewers in 3

Daniels: I have not watched much Diamondbacks baseball this season. Here's the thing: I basically rode the Giants through the postseason last year based on 1) the fact they're named the Giants and I have a automatic instinct to root for them and 2) really good pitching in a short series is nearly impossible to beat. In a five game series, the Diamondbacks will need to look at Yovani Gallardo twice, Shaun Marcum or Randy Wolf in Game 2, and Zack Greinke on regular rest in Game 3. I'm supposed to buy Ian Kennedy (admittedly having a good year) as the guy to counter that? Besides the point, even if you think they're evenly matched in other areas, go with the team with the better bullpen. Not only will the Brewers probably sweep this, it's unfortunate for them they didn't get the Phillies in the short series because it's their best chance to beat them. Pick: Brewers in 3

Eugene: The one thing I've heard constantly over the last month is "Just wait until the Brewers reach the playoffs and play a good team." Maybe it was because it's St. Louis sports radio, or maybe there something to it. The Brewers rotation has the edge over the D'backs, and their hitters are better as well. Pick: Brewers in 3

St. Louis Cardinals v. Philadelphia Phillies

Aaron: Led by tenured, self-styled Baseball Emeritus Tony LaRussa, the Cardinals climbed over the asphyxiated corpse of the Braves and waltzed in through the back door of the rickety shanty that will soon be demolished by the Philadelphia Wrecking Crew. The Cards are dinged up on offense, most notably with Matt Holliday whose hand injury may force him to play down to the level of effort he exhibited during his three-month run of somnambulant indifference in Oakland in 2009. I'm not ready to hand the Phils the 2011 World Championship, but they'll certainly look good here. Pick: Phillies in 3

Daniels: While I enjoyed the exquisite collapse of the Braves as much as the next guy, watching Eagles fans have some hope in their lives because of the Phillies for another consecutive year has been maddening. The Phillies play half their ballgames in a ballpark the size of Kiddie Field and they gave up the fewest runs per game in the National League. While the Cardinals scored the most runs per game in the league and are riding an insanely awesome September hot streak; there is nothing in me that sees them getting around Roy Halladay, Cliff Lee, and Cole Hamels. It is, in all honesty, incomprehensible that the three of them all did not win 20 games this year looking at their stat lines. Age is the only thing that's going to stop them...in four years. Pick: Phillies in 4

Eugene: Maybe it's the homer in me, but I'm very optimistic about this series. The Cardinals had a winning record against the Phillies during the regular season. Their hitters are superior (even if Matt Holliday won't start the series); the Phillies look like a shell of their former selves with the bat. The pitching edge goes to the Phillies, but if the Cardinals can get the same performance out of Chris Carpenter that they got this past Wednesday, they'll be OK. Pick: Cardinals in 5

2011 NFL Pickery -- Week #3

2011-09-25T07:38:00.000-07:00

Last Week

Aaron: 14-2
Joe: 11-5

Current Standings

Aaron: 22-10
Joe: 21-11

Jacksonville at Carolina

Aaron: Since the beginning of this month, the Jaguars have had three different starting quarterbacks as rookie Blaine Gabbert was handed the keys to the Canyonero this week. And, if I may liberally lift from the Canyonero commercial: Well, it goes real slow with the hammer down! It's the country-fried truck endorsed by a clown…Canyonero! Twelve yards long, two lanes wide, 65 tons of American pride…Canyonero! Which is to say I expect the Jaguars to neither run fast nor complete a pass longer than 12 yards or 2 lanes. Pick: Carolina

Joe: I still think of this matchup as "the two expansion teams" even though that was at least 15 years ago. Which makes me old? Anyway, it'd be nice if, after two weeks of playing really well, Cam Newton got a win. And I may finally be getting my wish of a legendarily terrible Jaguars team. Pick: Carolina

Houston at New Orleans

Aaron: Doesn't it seem like Houston has started the last few seasons 2-0 only to wake up from their undefeated dream in week three? How are the networks already airing repeats this early into the new fall season? (Now that's how to seamlessly incorporate a timely non-football reference. The only more opportune comment would be something critical about Whitney Cummings. And, I have no idea who that is.) Pick: New Orleans

Joe: I've seen Devery Henderson stat lines that are funnier than Whitney! (Gauntlet picked up.) I'm not exactly ready to forecast New Orleans's whole season yet, but they might be the "good at home, shaky on the road" team. Pick: New Orleans

New England at Buffalo

Aaron: Joe's Bills beat my beloved Raiders last week. During the final few minutes, he and I exchanged frantic tweets as both teams exchanged offensive haymakers while simultaneously abandoning any pretense of defense. In the aftermath, several pro-Bills stories were written that didn't condescendingly juxtapose the team's fortunes with the local economy. It was a great game and I'm rooting for the Bills here, but…. Pick: New England

Joe: I'm so happy about this 2-0 start (shut up, at least it's something) that I don't even think a loss to the Pats here will kill my buzz. Though it'd be nice if this wasn't a total blowout. Pick: New England

Miami at Cleveland

Aaron: You've probably heard that the Dolphins have lost 11 of their last 12 home games, but finished 6-2 on the road in 2010. When the oral history of this statistical anomaly is written by the staff at Grantland, you'll see reasons cited like "it's too humid for the home crowd to will them to victory" and "LeBron James joined the Miami Heat". This, of course, is ridiculous. LeBron James is the reason Cleveland won't win this game. Pick: Miami

Joe: This game will likely not be pretty. And so much hideous orange in the uniforms! Blegh! (Ha ha! Gay dude talking about the sports!) Pick: Miami

Denver at Tennessee

Aaron: After last week's surprising win over the Ravens, Tennessee head coach Mike Munchack declared that his team would be playing a more balanced offense with more passing than in previous years. Honestly, drafting Titans RB Chris Johnson with my first fantasy football pick continues to pay comedic dividends! Pick: Tennessee

Joe: Meanwhile, Denver may have beaten Cincinnati last week, but they didn't win in the gritty, feel-good way they would have if Tim Tebow had started at QB. Look for more boring competence at the position this week. Pick: Denver

N.Y. Giants at Philadelphia

Aaron: In the annual "Michael Vick Injury Pool" I did not have "tackled into his own teammate while still in the pocket". In my defense, "ironically eaten by the mutated feral dogs last seen in I Am Legend" seemed to be a more likely payoff at the time. Pick: Philadelphia

Joe: I have never seen a team score more touchdowns while playing poorer on offense than the Giants did on Monday night. The Rams might as well have placed that game underneath a silver dome for the G-men. Picks: Philadelphia

Detroit at Minnesota

Aaron: This game is wearing the familiar musk of Donovan McNabb's Desperation. With their season essentially on the line, is anyone willing to bet the old man has a few tricks left up his sleeve and too much pride to embrace mediocrity? That rationale worked out for Minnesota last year, no? Pick: Detroit

Joe: This game does have that "warning" label on it. Minnesota and McNabb have each individually pulled this "not so fast" thing before. But Detroit just looks like they're capable of scoring more points than the Vikings can match. ANALYSIS! Pick: Detroit

San Francisco at Cincinnati

Aaron: These were the last two MLB stops in Deion Sanders' vagabond baseball career. Now, he's a winged pixie in those DirecTV commercials for the NFL's Sunday Ticket. As career choices go, this is probably worse than his MC Hammer-produced rap album and better than his cameo at the end Celtic Pride. Pick: Cincinnati

Joe: Speaking of nostalgia, this was the first Super Bowl I ever remember watching, with Joe Montana's game-winning drive, and Tim Krumrie's legendarily gruesome leg injury. Now, the mantle of this proud rivalry will be picked up by Alex Smith and an incarcerated Cedric Benson. Clear your calendars. Pick: San Francisco

N.Y. Jets at Oakland

Aaron: During my previously referenced in-game Twitter frenzy with Joe last week, I mentioned the worst aspect of the Raiders' loss was that I seemed to be talking myself into the Jason Campbell era. He threw some beautiful passes under pressure and if Oakland can find a short-yardage security blanket at tight end for him…gah! I'm doing it again! They're not there yet and the Raiders defense spectacularly regressed from week one to week two. Pick: NY Jets

Joe: Didn't the Raiders have a short-yardage security-blanket tight end last season that they let get away during the free agent frenzy? I'm sorry, just trying to throw some friendly cold water before you get your heart broken. ...But first, I will pick your Raiders to give the Jets their inevitable "OMG the Jets are soooooo overrated" scare of the season. Pick: Oakland

Kansas City at San Diego

Aaron: As much as I took pleasure in the Chargers pratfall in Foxboro, they're still among the AFC's elite and they're facing a Chiefs team that has clearly closed up shop for 2011 with 15 weeks to go. Looking at the Chargers' schedule, it's clear that I won't get to enjoy another loss like last week until sometime in mid-January. I'm cool with that. Pick: San Diego

Joe: I wouldn't rule out Dexter McCluster pulling a surprise stat bonanza of a season for the Chiefs now that the running game has been ceded to him, but I still don't think that saves KC's poor doomed season. Pick: San Diego

Baltimore at St. Louis

Aaron: Rams RB Steven Jackson is not expected to play, which means another week of relevance for his back-up, Cadillac Anderson. It's just a nickname, but as African-American appellations go, it's the second-best one you'll hear this week. The best? It's clearly Boogaloo Watts – as identified early in the first part of this piece. Pick: Baltimore

Joe: I'll have you know that World B. Free will be filing a grievance about this horrible slight. I think if St. Louis can keep from shooting themselves in the foot, they still have the best chance of winning the embarrassment that is the NFC West. This would be a good place to start, but Baltimore's going to want to right their ship after last week's inexplicable loss. Pick: Baltimore

Green Bay at Chicago

Aaron: This week, ESPN has aired clips from the 1986 Packers v. Bears game in which Chicago quarterback Jim McMahon is bodyslammed to the ground by Packers defensive end Charles Martin, including 2011 interviews with some of the players in that game. I don't see anyone wanting to talk to Jay Cutler for any reason in 25 years. Pick: Chicago

Joe: Come on. By 2036, Grantland will definitely be out of good stories to write oral histories about and will instead focus on An Oral History of Kristin Cavillari's 8th Place Finish on Dancing with the Stars. That'll be all you, Jay! Pick: Green Bay

Arizona at Seattle

Aaron: The inherent problem with parity is that a handful of really good teams and a handful of really bad teams bookend all of the 8-8 teams. Of course, the obvious benefit is playing in the NFC West where you can be a really bad team, an 8-8 team AND a playoff team. Sports socialism works! Pick: Arizona

Joe: Arizona blew it last week, but I am more and more buying into their offense. Kolb-Beanie-Fitz is no Aikman-Emmett-Irvin, but they might be enough to get the job done against Tarvaris-Lynch-whoever-is catching-Seattle's-passes. Pick: Arizona

Atlanta at Tampa Bay

Aaron: In week one, the Falcons were the designated "disappointing" punching bag after losing in Chicago. In week two, they were praised for their determination in a comeback win against the Eagles. This week, they'll get no credit for slogging through thunderstorms, oppressive humidity and at least 50 individual IVs. As a native Californian, I can tell you...I had an IV once. Not fun. Pick: Tampa Bay

Joe: Yeah, Atlanta in the out-of-doors does not inspire a whole lot of confidence. But shouldn't Atlanta get credit for being a destination for trashy reality-TV personae rather than a source of them? I think they should? Pick: Atlanta

Pittsburgh at Indianapolis

Aaron: Colts QB reportedly flew to Europe recently and received stem cell treatment on his injured neck. It would appear the "search and rescue" of his career has been called off in favor of a recovery mission. Pick: Pittsburgh

Joe: God damn it, Ben Roethlisberger, THROW SOME TOUCHDOWNS. Pick: Pittsburgh

Washington at Dallas

Aaron: Looking for a way to erase every bit of positive publicity you received for (belatedly) addressing concussions, NFL? Then, allow Cowboys QB Tony Romo to play with a f*cking punctured lung. Pick: Washington

Joe: Wait, Rex Grossman is on the verge of 3-0 AND they're remaking Footloose?? It's a weird, wild world we're living in. Pick: Washington

The Father and Son San Francisco Travel Diary -- Part II

2011-09-23T07:12:00.000-07:00

Part I

Sunday, September 4

After a fitful five hours of sleep, I woke up and fiddled with my smart phone until Jalen was ready to start his day. I shouldn't have been surprised to see him standing behind me as I sat at a desk on the other side of my bed -- at 5:45 AM -- since the first words out of his mouth were, "We're going to the A's game today!" Quickly followed by, "Can we get breakfast?" I peel back the curtain in our room, revealing the city's ubiquitous blanket of fog still shrouding the souls and the sins of the previous evening below. "Let's wait until the sun comes up", I suggest, not wanting to walk around the Thriller video outside with my seven-year-old son.

The rooms at the Westin St. Francis have an "refreshment center" full of assorted salty and sugary snacks. However, in a new twist on the old "if you open this bottle of water, we'll bill $4.00 to your room" racket; the Westin has installed sensors that can somehow tell when, say, a bag of peanuts has been removed from the basket of snacks. Not eaten. Not opened. The room is charged if the bag of peanuts is lifted from the basket. Change your mind? Put it back and you're still charged. When I explained this to Jalen, you'd better believe I used the "don't talk to strangers" urgency in my voice.

About a week before this trip, I put out a social media request for restaurant recommendations – particularly hole-in-the-wall spots that are the antithesis of "touristy". One of my Facebook friends – an absolute sweetheart with the same deep-fried Frankenstein food preferences as me – wrote back with a veritable encyclopedia of San Francisco eating in and around Union Square. For breakfast, I went with the location she described as "hole-in-the-wall goodness" with praise for their crispy hash browns. (I chose this place over the restaurant she celebrated for their 6-8 strip side orders of bacon. I know…risky, right?!)

The streets were still filled with fog which made everything damp…and deadly. Not long after we left our hotel, Jalen tried to sprint ahead of me. He slipped on one of those enormous steel plates embedded in the sidewalk and tried to break his fall by grabbing my scrawny arm. This, in turn, caused me to slip on the steel plate. Jalen fell on his butt, I fell on my back. Sorry, San Francisco. I promise to have our father-and-son slapstick synchronism tightened up before our next visit.

Ten minutes later, we reached the Taylor Street Coffee Shop…and, goodness, it's a hole-in-the-wall. Jalen and I were apparently the first customers of the day and we took seats in the back of the restaurant which, architecturally, was like walking down a long, narrow hallway. The grill is adjacent to the front door – something I can't say I've seen before – and the walls were adorned with kitschy movie posters. I ordered the "meat lover's breakfast" – three sausage links, three strips of bacon, ham and two eggs. I tacked on a side of hash browns to complete my coronary. Jalen went with the pancake. When I asked the server how many were in an order, she replied, "One. But, it's big." She even made the "big" circular pantomime with both of her hands. "I want THAT!", replied a wide-eyed Jalen. This server knows her audience.

Jalen obliterated his pancake not long after its arrival, while I enjoyed my first ever over-medium eggs at breakfast. I've long opposed runny egg yolks, but with the ham and bacon's saltiness and the more complex seasoning in the sausage it was gooey glory. Sopping up the sun-colored excess from my plate with the hash browns and buttered sourdough toast made me wish I hadn't wasted most of my life ordering eggs "scrambled". What a fool I was.

After breakfast, as we walked back to our hotel, Jalen asked if I could "take a picture for mommy". I'd pulled a pair of toothpicks from a small container next to the cash register and Jalen excitedly wanted Mrs. Bootleg to see him…I dunno…picking his teeth? I suggested to my son that he just leave the toothpick dangling from his mouth, which led to the following conversation:

Jalen: "But, I can't smile if the toothpick is sticking out of my mouth."

Me: "So, don't smile."

Inadvertently, THAT led to this picture -- the most unintentionally awesome shot I'll ever take of my son. I'm hoping my wife OKs it for this year's Christmas cards. Let me know if you want me to license it out for yours.

At 11:30 AM, we boarded the BART train for Oakland to catch the Athletics v. Mariners game. It might've been too small of a sample size to hang the "jinx" label on Jalen, but during the regular season, the A's were 2-5 whenever my son has seen them live – including 0-2 in Oakland. And, yes, I keep track of these things. Before you pass judgment on my parental priorities, know that I was prepared for the aging stadium's trough-style urinals, public beach-equivalent restroom cleanliness and Jalen's predilection for touching everything.

The Athletics were holding their annual breast cancer awareness promotion at the Coliseum and giving away pink argyle scarves to fans in attendance. The too-prominent "Big O Tires" sponsorship logo still feels like well-intended marketing gone wrong, but it's obviously in furtherance of a great cause. The A's hosted more than 500 breast cancer survivors on the field in an emotional pregame ceremony and throughout the game, women shared their experiences with the disease during interviews that aired on the scoreboard between innings. Oddly, a couple of the interviews caused my allergies to flare up and made my eyes water. Stupid allergies.

Despite some shakiness from our bullpen in the late innings, the Athletics held on to defeat Seattle, 8-5. For those scoring at home (who are NOT Jalen's mother), Jalen consumed an entire personal Round Table pizza, a chocolate chip cookie ice cream sandwich, a large bag of popcorn and a churro. After the game, three different women who'd sat in the seats surrounding us approached me and expressed how much they enjoyed watching Jalen's passionate reactions to the action on the field and the way he and I interacted with each other. Honestly, I'm not bragging, but these weren't the first parents (I presume) who've told me this at ballgames. And, let's be honest: sitting through a meandering 3 ½ hour American League game just might be the apex of parenting.

The BART ride back to our hotel was uneventful until the final few moments. As Jalen and I departed the train, a woman came onboard who was breast feeding her child. Now, I have NO problem with this. Really. But, the woman wasn't using any kind of discreet…uh…breast-covering cloth thingie. Not a towel, not her blouse…nothing. And, her breast was [OK...I'm making the "big" circular pantomime with both of my hands]. If Jalen had seen any of this…well, remember Alfre Woodard's mute son in the Bill Murray comedy Scrooged? I know it was more than 20 years ago, but I'm still too shaken to think up a more recent reference.

It's closing in on six o'clock as we enter the elevator, heading back to our room to find more appropriate clothes before the 60-degree San Francisco summer sun sets and winter arrives for the night. An older couple gets on with us and proceeds to make some "isn't he CUTE?!" conversation with my son. It had already been a long day, so my "eminent embarrassment radar" must've been recalibrating itself. Less than 24 hours earlier, I cracked a joke to Jalen about the private lounge on the top floor of our hotel and how it was for "…people younger than me and older than [my son]." I should've seen this coming:

Jalen (to the older gentleman): "What floor are you on?"

Older Gentleman: "We're on the 30th floor just like you!"

Jalen: "Oh. Well…you can't go to the 32nd floor because that's for younger people. But, you can go to the other floors because those are for old people."

Me: [Head explodes.]

For dinner, I decided on a pizza place called "Victor's". The same friend who recommended breakfast called this spot, "cheap, tasty and good". It was also close by – 0.8 miles away according to my phone. I estimated a 15-20 minute walk. When I presented this to Jalen, he responded, "That's too far to walk for my little legs! Can't we take a taxi?!" Yes, he said, "…for my little legs". I would have expected – and have previously heard – that same complaint from his 4'8" mother, but not from him. Admittedly, I might've been parenting out of spite when I barked back, "Get your jacket. We're walking." (I'm sorry you guys had to see that side of me. But, keep reading. The "Aaron should've listened to Jalen" lesson is right around the corner…)

I've visited New York, lived in Los Angeles and been to several other major American metropolitan locales. I'd be willing to bet that no area transitions from "touristy" to "sketchy" faster than ANY street in San Francisco. Five minutes from our hotel, we're navigating a maze of homelessness, random bags of trash and possibly The Luniz. There's pizza at the end of this urine-scented journey, so Jalen is walking with purpose and before long we're passing through a more presentable residential area. We're about a half-mile from our hotel and we've passed through three distinct neighborhoods -- just one shy of the shortest walk/most neighborhoods record.

Victor's Pizza is on a street that's dotted with takeout restaurants and under-the-radar watering holes. The atmosphere on our walk had become a mix of live music comingled with barbecue or curry or carne asada. Victor's is a bit of a throwback -- for me -- with its practically pitch-black dining area and eternally burning candles offering negligible light. There were a few other customers inside, but noticeably no kids. And, sure enough, Million Dollar Birthday Fries were not on the menu.

But, they had pizza! Their sauce had a touch of sweetness from the tomatoes with a fresher flavor than I ever would've expected. Jalen and I kept it simple -- small pepperoni for him, small sausage for me -- and the toppings were quite good. The pepperoni had a bit of bite and a not-at-all oily texture, while the sausage popped with fennel. Best of all was the crust: crispy on the outside with a light smoky char, perfectly chewy consistency on the inside. The service was off-the-charts, as well. Prompt, attentive and my pint glass was never empty.

With two full bellies, we left the restaurant -- but, not before Jalen redoubled his begging for a cab ride back to our hotel. Truth be told, I was absolutely exhausted myself. I weighed the prospects of a 20-minute walk with my increasingly sleepy, already irritable seven-year-old son versus a two-minute taxi ride. Not wanting to get his hopes up, I told Jalen if we see a cab, we can...

"There's one right there!", he shrieked. "TAXI!", he shrieked again.

Monday, September 5

Our flight home from San Francisco departed at 11:55 AM. We took off into a cloudless sky and returned to a surprisingly rainy San Diego 90 minutes later. When we finally pulled up in front of Stately Bootleg Manor, I wanted to tell my son how much I loved him and how much fun I had over the past few days. Instead, Jalen sprinted from my car -- before I could open my mouth -- and into the waiting arms of his mother.

Jalen's little legs had regained their strength.

The Father and Son San Francisco Travel Diary -- Part I

2011-09-19T22:03:00.001-07:00

Over Labor Day weekend, I flew up to San Francisco with my seven-year-old son Jalen. While Mrs. Bootleg had graciously tolerated -- and tagged along on -- our baseball-centric family vacations for years, it occurred to me that cutting my wife loose was the selfless thing to do. So, I selfishly absconded with the boy for some quality father/son time.

Saturday, September 3

Jalen loves flying. As most of you know, I...am not a fan. Our flight was scheduled to depart San Diego at 2:15 PM and Jalen was absolutely bouncing off the walls at breakfast. For me, the worst part was having to emulate his wide-eyed early-morning enthusiasm while my own stomach spontaneously knotted. Thankfully, watching a season's worth of Oakland Athletics games -- paid for as part of the MLB Extra Innings digital cable package -- has taught me how to feign excitement over something my son loves.

Mrs. Bootleg contributed to the trip in several ways. Most importantly, she used her credit card points to land Jalen and me a two-night hotel stay. From there, she proceeded to pack enough clothes for Jalen to coincide with a six-night stay. My wife's an incurable over-packer and reflexively responds "Just in case" to anyone who'd dare question this psychological, sartorial tic. Crazy people should be required to finish that phrase. Just in case...of what? Random acts of Gallagher on the streets of San Francisco?

At the airport, I realized I forgot my wedding ring. I'm privileged to not be saddled with one of those accusatory or suspicious spouses -- and it's not like I could pass off the pot-bellied black child with the similarly-shaped head and almost identical baseball team t-shirt as anyone but my son -- but, I send a quick text and admitted to my absentmindedness. In it, I referred to my wedding ring as my "good luck charm" for flights when I'm anxious. My wife's accusatory and suspicious response ("Is that ALL it means to you?") confirmed my faith in superstitions forged out of white gold.

We flew Virgin America to San Francisco. Our flight cost $130 less than it would've on Southwest Airlines. And, unlike Southwest, the cabin was immaculate. Also, passengers select their own seats at the time tickets are purchased. The obvious benefit is peace of mind, but the downside is that Jalen couldn't have his beloved window seat. I only sit in the aisle seats and I'm NOT suffocating in the middle seat, just so my son can intermittently see God's majesty. Before you judge me, know that my comeuppance appears in the next paragraph.

Moments before the doors closed, the final passengers boarded the plane -- among them was the occupant of the window seat in our row. She was wearing a long, off-the-shoulder summer dress and both of her bare arms were covered in sleeves. Uh, not those kind of sleeves. These kind of sleeves. And, her nose and tongue were pierced. She smiled politely as she squeezed past us and JUST as Jalen asked, "Why does that lady have...", I fell on top of my son's innocent verbal grenade. Literally. "Sorry, Jalen! Daddy's so clumsy sometimes. Hey, why don't YOU take the aisle seat?! That's where big kids sit!" Whew.

Quick question: How did humanity survive 90-minute flights before satellite televisions were embedded within every headrest?

After we landed in San Francisco, Jalen and I took the BART train from the airport into the city. I asked these questions on Twitter, but I'll put them out here, too: (1) does anyone ever get used to that weird feeling that comes from sitting in a rear-facing seat while the train appears to speed backwards and (2) how do those of you who ride the train everyday not throttle the person playing Nicki Minaj loud enough to hear through their earbuds? Physiologically, both affect me the same way.

In 2007, I wrote the following after surviving New York City's Grand Central for the first time:

You know what Grand Central needs? More stairs. This is the only place on earth where rolling luggage is a burden, not a blessing. Paraplegics, you've been warned.

Union Square in San Francisco is hereby added to the list. Jalen and I navigated the mass of humanity -- all of whom seemed to be walking in the opposite direction of us -- lugging a single piece of rolling luggage over the cracked, decaying sidewalks that the city's administrative infrastructure forgot. San Francisco will always be my favorite American city, but I'm convinced that all the crowds and inclines have given the city a greater gravitational pull than anywhere else on Earth. It's a working theory. Well, then, tell my quads I'm wrong!

We stayed at the Westin St. Francis. Eventually. At check-in, I'm told our room isn't ready. It's 5:15 PM, which made me think...our room should be ready. The front desk employee excuses herself to "see what she can do". We're meeting some dear friends of mine at 6:00 PM for dinner and I'd like to freshen up and change from my "San Diego" t-shirt (short-sleeved) into my "San Francisco" t-shirt (long-sleeved). My baggy Jordan shorts can -- thankfully -- withstand all climates. The hotel employee is gone for more than five minutes. She returns with a key to a "better" room (her words) on the 30th floor. (Translation: "Here's the same room -- cleaned -- and a few floors higher.") I'm on to you, hotel industry.

Below is the view from our room. Here's something I've never understood: why do people take pictures of the view from their hotel rooms? The splendor of a city's skyline is one of those things that seems impossible to capture on any camera, much less the one built into a cell phone with a window in front of the shot. There's a reason these images always carry the same caveat on the Facebook page in which they appear: "These pictures don't do the view justice." Same applies here, yo.

On the elevator ride back down to the lobby, Jalen tells me, "The 'going-down' elevator makes my penis feel funny." My only regret is that he and I are the only ones on the elevator to hear this.

Jalen and I met up with my friend Vig, his lovely wife and their adorable four-year-old daughter. We walked around the corner to Max's Cafe for dinner. The decor and concept is an unapologetic knockoff of the east coast delicatessen, but the menu is a gloriously bloated cavalcade of calories. Of course, I started with the "Max-hattan" -- their take on America's manliest cocktail. It was OK. A little too heavy on the vermouth, but I took down two of 'em with dinner which, for me, was "Grandma's Honey Roasted Chicken". The golden salt-and-peppered skin accented the sweet glaze nicely. The meat was moist and absorbed a lot of the exterior flavors. Unfortunately, the mashed potatoes didn't work with the honey and sugar notes from the chicken while the roasted sweet carrots seemed redundant in taste. I could, however, eat the chicken by the box, bucket or any other acceptable urban chicken transport system.

After dinner, Vig and I took the kids to our hotel's top floor. No real reason. They're kids. They like this stuff. As the elevator doors opened, the 32nd floor appeared to be some kind of private bar. A clipboard-carrying attendant rushed over before dismissing us with a sneer perfected from hundreds of dorky families taking their kids to the hotel's top floor. She so wanted us to step off the elevator so she could throw us out, but the doors closed before she could have the satisfaction. When Jalen asked why we didn't get off, I responded with my tongue in my cheek, "That floor is for people younger than me and older than you, son." You'll be surprised to learn that innocuous explanation came back to bite me the very next day.

Jalen didn't fall asleep until after 10:00 PM. I'm usually the one who's perpetually uncomfortable in unfamiliar beds, but here's my son alternating tossing and turning with obvious proclamations ("I can't SLEEP!"). I went to bed right around midnight, but was awakened just after 2:00 AM...by my son. As he involuntarily rustled -- and wrestled -- between his sheets, Jalen sat up in bed and let out a momentary moan. To my slightly disoriented soul, in a darkened hotel room, this freaked me OUT. It appeared to be inspired by this.

Sunrise can't come soon enough.

NEXT: Hole-in-the-wall restaurants, Oakland A's baseball and some inappropriate (very) public breastfeeding...

2011 NFL Pickery -- Week #2

2011-09-18T07:37:00.000-07:00

Last Week

Joe: 10-6
Aaron: 8-8

Oakland at Buffalo

Aaron: The postgame national narrative after the Raiders and Bills both won on the road last week (in two of the toughest venues in the league) was essentially confirmation of the Broncos' and Chiefs' ineptitude. It usually takes another week (and a 2-0 start) for an assuredly mediocre team to capture the "Cinderella" storyline and the cover of Sports Illustrated. Welcome to the ball, Buffalo. Your invitation is valid until you play New England next week. Pick: Buffalo

Joe: It's too bad THAT was the national narrative this week rather than the true story here: Pickery Bowl 2011! Cam vs. Movie Joe! One's beloved team will be showered with praise! The other will be cursed and booed until Homer Simpson's throat is sore! You know. Anyway, I now regret falling asleep at halftime of the Raiders-Broncos game (that thing started LATE, y'all), but my guess is that Darren McFadden provides a second consecutive test for the Bills' maybe-hopefully improved run defense, while the hope is that Air Fitzpatrick and his merry band of tight ends I didn't know were on the team will be able to exploit the Nnamdi-less Raiders defense. Not that I have anything approaching confidence that my raised hopes won't be dashed, but why not ride this era of good feelings while it lasts? Pick: Buffalo

Green Bay at Carolina

Aaron: Partially lost in the hubbub over Cam Newton's 422-yard passing debut for the Panthers was his heretofore unknown ability to raise the dead. But, he brought WR Steve Smith -- whose biochemistry is 75% formaldehyde -- back to life. Keep your eyes peeled for Mushin Muhammad and Rocket Ismail running short routes this Sunday. Pick: Green Bay

Joe: Meanwhile, the Packers look absolutely frightening. Best of luck this season, rest of the NFL. Pick: Green Bay

Arizona at Washington

Aaron: When the Redskins win, they'll be 2-0. This will, of course, lead to a handful of journalistically short-sighted pieces on the "genius" of head coach Mike Shanahan. For those of you who aren't football fans, Shanahan's baseball equivalent is Tony LaRussa. In basketball, it's probably Don Nelson. In hockey...I don't know...Mike Keenan? In tennis, it's anyone associated with the Williams sisters (especially Serena...am I right?). More publicity feeds their limitless egos -- similar to the way negative emotions sustained Vigo the Carpathian in Ghostbusters II. Pick: Washington

Joe: Sometimes I'm left with nothing to do in these write-ups but step back and applaud the sheer population density of references in Cam's blurbs. Anyway, if I trust anything in this world, I trust Rex Grossman and the Redskins to revert to the mean. Pick: Arizona

Baltimore at Tennessee

Aaron: It's the running back I passed on with the fourth pick overall in TWO fantasy drafts (Ray Rice, two touchdowns and almost 150 all-purpose yards in week one) facing the running back I selected instead (Chris Johnson, zero touchdowns, 49 yards total last week). In both drafts. Well played, NFL schedulers. Jerks. Pick: Baltimore

Joe: I'm feeling the Rice Remorse this week too. Baltimore delivered a pretty textbook definition of a statement game last week against the Steelers. Hard to imagine they'll be able to conjure up the same intensity against the beat-by-the-Jags Titans. Still, after the way Ben Roethlisberger was treated by the Ravens D, I do worry about the welfare of my darling Matt Hasselbeck (with Hasselbecks, as with Scientologists, you're allowed to like one). Pick: Baltimore

Seattle at Pittsburgh

Aaron: So, we have a pissed off Steelers team fresh from a four touchdown loss in week one playing at home against a Seahawks squad that didn't look good against the miserable 49ers last week, has to travel three time zones east and will lodge in desolate western Pennsylvania -- where cell phone reception, internet connectivity and Starbucks are all still years away from realization. There may be no survivors in this one. Pick: Pittsburgh

Joe: Yeah, unless Pittsburgh has just suddenly become terrible without anybody noticing, this one's set up on a tee for them. Pick: Pittsburgh

Jacksonville at N.Y. Jets

Aaron: I didn't watch one minute of last Sunday night's Jets v. Cowboys clash, but from what I read on Twitter, the Jets won the game because Tony Romo is terrible at everything. Using that logic, I'll go ahead and look up the current Jacksonville quarterback and...oh. Well, then. Pick: NY Jets

Joe: Ah, but before that, the Jets were losing because Mark Sanchez is terrible at everything. It was a neck-and-neck race on Twitter as to whose unearned enmity was going to win out. Anyway, another year, another opportunity for my deeply felt conviction that Jacksonville is the worst team in football to be disproven enough that I pick their games wrong about 70% of the time. So excited! Pick: NY Jets

Chicago at New Orleans

Aaron: I wish I could come up with more sturdy reasoning than "the Saints are at home and will have had 10 days rest", but that's all I got. Of course, I'd still pick the Saints if they were on the road and it was the Bears who'd had the extra days off. So, instead, let's go with "Drew Brees can pass the pants off Jay Cutler" as my superficial rationale. Cool? Pick: New Orleans

Joe: "The Saints are at home and will have had 10 days rest" is more than sufficient reasoning as far as I'm concerned. Watching the season opener last Thursday, I got really jealous of a team with Darren Sproles and a quarterback willing to get the ball to him. Pick: New Orleans

Kansas City at Detroit

Aaron: Without fail, there's one team every season that plays well for the first several weeks, but that I consistently pick against in a defiant example of prognostication self-mutilation. I'm still not sold on the Lions, but I'm willing to consider a week-to-week assessment of my contrarian position. Plus, Kansas City looked awful last week, you guys. Pick: Detroit

Joe: Yeah, Week 2 is that demon week where everybody simply assumes that the way things went in Week 1 is the way they'll continue to go. If there's a game this week poised to disprove what we thought we knew and send us into a tailspin of self-doubt and existential despair, it's this one. Then again, the Chiefs GOT THEY ASS WHOOPED BY THE BILLS OF ALL TEAMS. Pick: Detroit

Cleveland at Indianapolis

Aaron: For the past few years, every argument in favor of Peyton Manning winning the MVP award included some variation of "...this is a 2-14 without him...". Well, we're here. Pick: Cleveland

Joe: You know, the analogy could be made comparing the 2011 Colts with the 2008 American financial establishment. Starring Peyton Manning as Lehman Brothers, Jim Caldwell as Hank Paulson, and Kerry Collins as Barack Obama. ...Yeah, feel sorry for Obama now? Pick: Indianapolis

Tampa Bay at Minnesota

Aaron: At this point, does Minnesota have anything to lose by lifting from the Tecmo Super Bowl playbook and running ~~Bo Jackson~~ Adrian Peterson every down? Pick: Tampa Bay

Joe: Donovan McNabb couldn't possibly have looked as bad as his stat line from last week suggests, right? There's some kind of advanced football metric that doesn't make it look like Donovan passed away sometime during last season in Washington? Of course, Tampa's Lagarrette Blount turned in an equally incredulously terrible stat line. Let's hope Sunday's game starts off with some public apologies. Pick: Tampa Bay

Dallas at San Francisco

Aaron: Hey, did you know that these two teams met in the NFC Championship game after the 1981 season? Joe Montana led the 49ers to victory with a last-second touchdown pass that became known as "The Catch". You didn't know? Well, don't worry...I'm sure FOX and ESPN will revisit the highlights of that game like a kajillion times before, during and after the 2011 version. Pick: Dallas

Joe: Come on, you don't think we'll get ONE retrospective of Terrell Owens scoring a TD and then running back to midfield to "disrespect" the Dallas star logo? Or those early-'90s Aikman-Young games? Constant cutaways to Deion Sanders, wondering which former team he's pulling for. Come on media. Diversify, man! Pick: Dallas

Cincinnati at Denver

Aaron: One of the bigger storylines to come out of last Monday night's Broncos loss to the Raiders was the loud chanting from small pockets of Broncos fans for Tim Tebow to replace Kyle Orton at quarterback. The media positioned this as an indictment of Orton instead of an abject display of idiocy. Tim Tebow is terrible, Denver. He's the third-string quarterback because he's terrible. Terrible! Stop chanting his name. Pick: Denver

Joe: The Bengals were looking pretty hapless last week until Bruce Gradkowski came in to replace a dinged-up Andy Dalton and sparked a comeback. Naturally, Dalton will be starting in Week 2. Pick: Denver

San Diego at New England

Aaron: Heading into last Monday night, my money-league fantasy team was trailing by almost 40 points with QB Tom Brady and WR Wes Welker yet to play. By the time their game was over, I'd won by more than 20 points. The lesson here, as always: fantasy football anecdotes are boring to everyone except the person telling the tale. Also...Brady! 500+ passing yards! Welker! 99-yard touchdown reception! Fantasy football! Pick: New England

Joe: Hey, I'm with you. Aaron Hernandez's big game almost single-handedly stole the week for me as well. Meantime, can we talk about how annoying it was this week to have to talk about Tedy Bruschi and Rodney Harrison whining about probably the most innocuous Ochocinco tweet ever? As if the Patriots weren't already the Yankees of the NFL, now their ex-players have to police the current roster for violations of the Belichick Way? Ugh. Pick: San Diego

Houston at Miami

Aaron: How often do teams from two of the cities that ruined rap music meet up? I can't be the only one who thinks both cities should be punished by forcing their NFL teams to relocate to areas that gave birth to the genre in the first place. It's an appropriate consequence for the sonic nonsense that passes for hip hop today. Besides, who wouldn't support the "Queens Texans" or the "Money-Earnin' Mount Vernon Dolphins"? Pick: Houston

Joe: This is based on the thinnest of observational evidence but: I don't think Houston is as good as last week's score suggests, and I don't think the Dolphins are quite as bad. Time for NFL parity to work its magic. Pick: Miami

Philadelphia at Atlanta

Aaron: "Michael Vick returns to Atlanta" is the last remaining Michael Vick storyline that had yet to be beaten into the ground. Or thrown into the ceiling. Just doing my part. Pick: Philadelphia

Joe: Losing that game to the Bears last week means the Falcons are facing a must-win game in Week 2, as ridiculous as that sounds. Glad to see Atlanta's Matt Ryan hasn't escaped the sports media's thirst for fresh blood for the hype-up, tear-down QB meat grinder. Pick: Atlanta

St. Louis at N.Y. Giants

Aaron: ESPN recently announced a $15 billion deal to keep Monday Night Football through the 2021 season. Think about that during this surefire 16-13 shootout. Pick: NY Giants

Joe: Dear Hakeem Nicks, Steven Jackson, and Sam Bradford: My fantasy football teams are sending out this weekend dedication to y'all. Pick: NY Giants

2011 NFL Pickery -- Week #1

2011-09-08T12:12:00.000-07:00

And, we're back!

I know that new posts have been few and far between in recent months, so I was glad when my friend Movie Joe Reid sent over this week's games with a resigned "Here We Go Again…" in the subject line. I'm equally pleased that our NFL picks have become one of the favorite features with readers. In recent weeks, I received some very complementary inquiries asking if the Pickery would be returning in 2011. So, thanks for that, you guys.

Last season, Joe bludgeoned me with his prognosticating skills – winning by nine games. This year, I hope to avoid my usual slow start with an emphasis on providing more meticulous analysis in my picks and less hackneyed comedy bits.

New Orleans at Green Bay (Thursday Night)

Aaron: Kid Rock is one of three acts – along with Lady Antebellum and Maroon 5 – who will be performing as part of an overstuffed made-for-NBC concert prior to kickoff. When did Kid Rock become the regularly-available "Celine Dion-on-Oprah" equivalent for nationally televised sporting events and professional wrestling pay-per-views? The only thing more predictable is the home team winning these annual midweek season-opening coronations/victory laps. Pick: Green Bay

Joe: The narrative for Green Bay this offseason (the part that wasn't swallowed up by the lockout) has been that they won the Super Bowl while being pretty well hampered by injuries, and now that they're healthy, everybody had better watch the fuck out. As sports narratives go, it's not about curses or fortitude or karma, so I automatically like it better than most. Not sure what the New Orleans narrative for this season is going to be, other than the record 51st consecutive year of wondering if this is the season that Robert Meachem becomes a viable fantasy football project. You guys! I'm so happy to be talking this nonsense again! So much so that I'm picking against Cam so there's a bit of dramatic tension to start the season. Pick: New Orleans

Pittsburgh at Baltimore

Aaron: Steelers WR Hines Ward was arrested on suspicion of DUI during the offseason. In the immediate aftermath, the Ward story sparked a spirited Twitter spat between Pittsburgh's Ryan Clark and Baltimore's Ray Rice. Back in MY day, feuds were started and finished on the field. Or on large squares of breakdance-able cardboard. Pick: Baltimore

Joe: Another year, another AFC North title decided by two unwatchable slugfests between these two bruising teams. At halftime, look for a ceremony where Ray Rice presents Ben Roethlisberger with a plaque commemorating his officially playing enough football games to make people stop talking about his criminal indiscretions. Pick: Pittsburgh

Detroit at Tampa Bay

Aaron: I'm not buying into the Detroit hype until they can put out a product that starts fast, doesn't break down and rewards me for my loyalty. It's why I drive an Acura and it's why I'm picking the Buccaneers. (Oh, check the archives. I'm entitled to ONE Jay Leno-quality joke per season, you guys.) Pick: Tampa Bay

Joe: Have you not watched ANY of those Eminem commercials about the resurgence of Detroit? Pick: Detroit

Philadelphia at St. Louis

Aaron: The Rams field a quietly impressive defense that's capable of chasing down Michael Vick and confounding him all day. A Philadelphia loss will, of course, lead to a week's worth of "Eagles = Miami Heat" and "What's Wrong with the Eagles?" stories by the same media that hyped them to the heavens to begin with. And, let's not forget the inevitable celebratory braying from fans in every other NFC East outpost. After ONE week! Welcome back, NFL! Pick: St. Louis

Joe: I really do like the Rams this season, as I have Sam Bradford on the bench in both my fantasy leagues, just waiting to be able to plug him into my starting lineup and look like a genius for drafting him. But while the Eagles Juggernaut may be overrated, they're certainly not going to be any worse than they were last year. And, St. Louis might take a few weeks to heat up. Pick: Philly

Buffalo at Kansas City

Aaron: I am familiar with the Chiefs because they are one of the archrivals of my favorite team and the AFC West is the default "regional" division for televised games here in San Diego. Everything I know about the Bills -- and the city of Buffalo -- came from ESPN.com's newly-launched sub-site, Grantland. Just this week. Pick: Kansas City

Joe: To give Grantland credit, it IS impressive they were able to find time to write two hit pieces on my hometown in between oral-history features on that one episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm where Larry trips Shaq and republishing acclaimed works by deceased authors to glom onto their literary cache. But I kid that vanity project! Anyway, I get the predictions that the Bills could be good enough to be the league's official "Entertaining Bad Team," but I'll be here in full kamikaze mode, hoping for a 2-14 season followed by an Andrew Luck draft pick that probably won't be the salvation of the franchise like I hope it will but hey, gotta believe in something. Pick: Kansas City

Tennessee at Jacksonville

Aaron: Four years ago, the Jaguars released their established -- albeit unspectacular -- starting quarterback (Byron Leftwich) days before the first game of the regular season. They lost to the Titans in week one. Earlier this week, established/unspectacular QB David Garrard was released by the Jags. They'll lose to the Titans in the week one. Pick: Tennessee

Joe: For many years now, I've championed the Jags as the absolute dregs of the NFL. And every year, they manage to grind out a mediocre year and provide endless weeks of frustration as I become chronically unable to predict what weeks they'll show up and what weeks they won't. This season I think they're finally going to put it all together for me. Pick: Tennessee

Indianapolis at Houston

Aaron: After news broke of Peyton Manning's additional neck surgery -- almost assuredly ending his season and possibly his career -- SportsCenter brought a neurosurgeon into their studio, put him on the air and walked through the procedure in a detailed, but easy-to-follow style. When he completed his explanation, one of the anchors asked him if he played fantasy football -- followed by a "Manning's Replacements" fantasy football graphic and the percentage of ESPN leagues in which, say, Donovan McNabb was available. Stay classy, Worldwide Leader in Sports. Pick: Houston

Joe: Seriously. If you were dumb enough to draft Manning in your fantasy league*, you don't deserve ghoulish help like that. Meanwhile, the Texans have become my annual "Team I'm Rooting For to Spite Bill Simmons". Last year, that team was the Jets and they made it all the way to the AFC Championship Game. Houston...will not make it that far. Pick: Houston

* -- Aaron: In my defense, my money league draft was on August 27 and it was believed Manning would play at some point this season. He was still on the board late, so I drafted him as my back-up...to Tom Brady. THIS is why he's out for the year. Bringing Brady and Manning together collapsed the universe.

Cincinnati at Cleveland

Aaron: Look, I can appreciate the "fresh start" storyline coming out of Cleveland. But, enough already, with Colt McCoy's maturity and the newly-installed 4-3 defense. The Browns' season will hinge on the same thing that's MADE professional football champions since the 1920s -- handing the ball off to their white running back. Pick: Cleveland

Joe: How is it that Cincinnati manages to avoid the rhapsodies of failure that always seem to fall on Buffalo? Because they have a -- GASP -- Major League Baseball team? Come on, MILWAUKEE has one of those. The Bengals are frequently the butt of jokes for their failure on the field, but it never extends to their riverfront metropolis the way it does for other towns. My question is, why? Aren't they constantly one overzealous police action away from ending up burned to cinders in a race riot? Aren't they Ohio's Kentucky? Let's all spend the week workshopping insulting narratives about the city of Cincinnati and meet here on Friday with at least five good ideas, huh? Pick: Cleveland

Atlanta at Chicago

Aaron: The Jay Cutler NFC Championship vitriol immediately crossed over into absurdity ("He should've played hurt!!!" -- Signed, NFL Player watching the playoffs from home) and almost has me rooting for the guy. But, then, I remember that any success Cutler enjoys means less recognition for Chicago's first upper lip-less superstar, Larry Appleton. Y'know, from Perfect Strangers. No, not Balki. That was Bronson Pinchot. The other guy. Pick: Atlanta

Joe: I'm totally with you on the Jay Cutler reverse-bandwagon. Also, this game troubles me. I like Atlanta a lot this season, and I really hope their offense becomes the powerhouse Greatest Show on Turf II that they're saying it will. But I will never not get spooked by an indoor team playing in a city like Chicago. It's a stupid superstition, because it's September, but here we are. Pick: Chicago

N.Y. Giants at Washington

Aaron: In the final game of the 2010 season, Redskins QB Rex Grossman threw for 336 yards -- just three shy of his career-high -- against the Giants. OK, OK...apply whatever caveats you want. Here, I'll start: the Redskins still lost that game, 17-14. Pick: NY Giants

Joe: The offseason may have been severely shortened, but it was just long enough to decimate the Giants defense. It might end up dooming their playoff chances, but if they plan to chug along, beating the bottom half of the league, this is the kind of game they should win. Might take a while for those replacement defenders to gel, though. Pick: Washington

Seattle at San Francisco

Aaron: Any chance we can get a one-season reprieve from the annual "Gasp! A 7-9 record could win the NFC West!" panic that grips the nation from October through December? The Seahawks won the division with that record last year. We survived. And, with new quarterback Tarvaris Jackson behind center, they're clearly shooting for the first-ever six-win playoff berth. We'll survive that, too. Pick: San Francisco

Joe: Fine, I guess I'll have to be the only person in this betting pool with any kind of INTEGRITY, then. Are we all sleeping on the 49ers to be a whole lot better this year, now that Mike Singletary isn't psyching his own players out in the locker room anymore? Couldn't any old goofus guide them to 8-8? ...Oh, right, Alex Smith. One level below goofus. Pick: Seattle

Minnesota at San Diego

Aaron: The signing of Donovan McNabb continues the rich Vikings tradition of propping up old black quarterbacks who are clearly past their prime. Most people don't know that Warren Moon and Randall Cunningham are part of ancient Norse mythology. Yet, it's Thor that's gets the movie deal. Pick: San Diego

Joe: Also Daunte Culpepper, the young black quarterback past his prime. Or Jeff George and Jim McMahon, old white quarterbacks past their prime. Or Brett Favre, the ... you know what I mean. This is the team that started Fran Tarkenton into his early 70s. They like their quarterbacks like America liked its situation comedy in the 1980s. Randy and retirement-aged. Anyway, the Chargers are supposed to be pretty great this year, right? ...Sorry, Cam. Pick: San Diego

Carolina at Arizona

Aaron: Last year, Kevin Kolb began the season at the Eagles #1 QB while the experts predicted his big arm would do big things in Philadelphia. He was injured early in his first start, returned midseason -- averaging 253 yards over five games and then ceded the job to Michael Vick for good. The same experts now doubt Kolb after he was traded to Arizona. Last I checked, Cards WR Larry Fitzgerald was still alive. Pick: Arizona

Joe: Yeah, I tend to agree that Kolb is in a pretty good situation in Arizona -- reduced expectations, better WR1. You’d like to have a better running game to rely on, but overall, I'm kind of bullish on the Cards this year. Meanwhile, the Cam Newton experiment will be interesting, if not necessarily good. Pick: Arizona

Dallas at N.Y. Jets

Aaron: I'm not sold on the Jets, you guys. QB Mark Sanchez has been uneven over his first two seasons, the running game seems awfully reliant on 2010 bust Shonn Greene and Plaxico Burress is considered a viable receiving option. That said, if there was ever a game --against a tragic backdrop of remembrance -- that was going to be won by the home team on a last-second something, it's this one. Pick: NY Jets

Joe: Oooh, Dallas vs. the Jets. The two franchises that are most hated by sports fans/media for the most specious reasons. The Cowboys are bound to benefit from the Our Head Coach Is No Longer Wade Phillips bump, while I think the Jets will probably do better in close games with the confidence of last season's playoff run. Because what that team needs more of is confidence. Seriously, though, are we really going to go through another season of universal Mark Sanchez vitriol for absolutely no reason? Pick: NY Jets

New England at Miami

Aaron: I'm setting the over/under on "Reggie Bush, every down Dolphins running back" at 1.5 games before he's seriously maimed, mutilated, injured or disfigured. Place your bets. Pick: New England

Joe: Ah yes, Reggie Bush. The other guy everybody hates for reasons that seem flimsy (...Kim Kardashian? The fact that he was one of approximately ALL college football players to accept bribes?). Meanwhile, New England signed Albert Haynesworth AND Chad Ochocinco and still seems to be flying well under the radar of offseason controversy. But God help Tom Brady if he's photographed wearing Crocs during Fashion Week. Pick: New England

Oakland at Denver

Aaron: Hearing a lot about how my Raiders scored a combined 98 points in beating the Broncos twice last year. I'm also hearing a lot about the Raiders leaky run defense that finished 29th, 29th, 31st and 31st over the past four years. Knowshon Moreno fantasy owners...you know what to do. Pick: Denver

Joe: Once again, I have more faith in the Raiders than Cam does. Denver was a mess last season and despite the coaching upgrade to John Fox, I don't think they pull it together so quickly. Pick: Oakland

This Sweaty and Unkempt Corpse is Managing YOUR Kids!

2011-09-01T10:05:00.001-07:00

My wife took the below picture as I staggered through the front door of Stately Bootleg Manor this past Saturday. It was 95 degrees and from 12:00 PM until 1:30 PM; I'd been immersed in my first organized practice as manager of a Little League baseball team.

Wait...what? You hadn't heard? Well, I guess I need to turn back the lightly-read blog clock about two weeks -- to a time when the look on my visage was much less vacant and I was able to breathe with my mouth closed.

Back on August 13, I signed up my seven-year-old son Jalen for our Little League district's fall season. You might remember that Jalen played last fall and -- after a rough, occasionally frustrating start -- he rebounded well, holding his own against mostly (slightly) older kids.

According to league rules, Jalen was eligible to move up a level this fall (from "A" to "AA") where the age range shifts from 6-8 to 8-10. Over the summer, he and I spent several Saturdays and/or Sundays practicing with some of the fathers and sons we'd met during our time in Little League. Most of the fathers had sons of their own -- the same age as Jalen -- who were moving up to AA, but I decided to keep Jalen at the A level.

Physically, Jalen's not ready. Emotionally...ditto. Before the start of the new school year, we put Jalen in a two-week baseball camp. When Mrs. Bootleg went to pick up Jalen on the last day, one of the instructors suggested he might be better served to only come half-days..."until he could better accept the inherent failures built within the game". Now, the youth baseball-instruction racket is not an inexpensive endeavor. When any business -- in this economy -- essentially tells you they'd rather NOT take your money...yeah.

On August 16, all of the families on Jalen's fall team received the following e-mail from the league's director that read, in part:

Your team is fortunate enough to have four parents who indicated their willingness to coach this team. However, I'm looking for one parent to come forward and be the manager of the team. This person would serve as my main point of contact for rosters, schedules, equipment, etc.

A few seasons ago, Jalen was stuck with a disinterested Little League manager who couldn't be bothered to hide his contempt for the gig...or the kids. He's the reason why I've coached on every one of my son's teams since then. He's also the reason why I immediately volunteered to be the manager for Jalen's fall squad -- but, with a caveat.

My reply e-mail to the league director inadvertently taught me my first managerial lesson: when it comes to youth sports, if you begin any correspondence with "If you can't find anyone else..."; the search for whatever role you're referencing is OVER and the job is yours. It seems league directors aren't interested in considering multiple candidates...just the first one.

The next day, the director provided me with a list of my players along with parents' names and contact information. He suggested I call each family and formally welcome their kids to the team. So, over my lunch hour, I hastily scrawled down a few talking points and called the parents.

Over the years, I've become extremely ill-at-ease when making phone calls to people I don't know. Perhaps I'm flashing back to my first job out of college (business-to-business cold calling). Perhaps I'm flashing back to my current job (negotiating defense contracts -- often over the phone -- with Government officials who have no use for me and no respect for my profession). And, it didn't help that one of my players on the list included names for his father and stepfather, but just one phone number.

Thankfully, the mother of another player had this song set to play after I dialed her number, but before she picked up. I got the part with the soothing Lil' Wayne lyrics:

Uh...girl. I turn that thang into a rain forest.
Rain on my head. Call that "brainstorming".
Yeah, this is deep...oh...but, I go deeper.
Make you lose yourself. Finders keepers.

Not surprisingly, now that the team had a manager, a few of the other fathers were quick to offer themselves up as coaches (free from cumbersome responsibilities like making line-ups, lugging equipment and running practices). My favorite request came from the grandfather of one of my players. His e-mail (subject: "My PLEDGE To You") was almost entirely in all caps and featured 300 exclamation points. He ended with "WE'RE IN IT TO WIN IT!!!", which I believe was last used just before the invasion of Normandy.

My friend Smitty smartly suggested I emulate the Florida Marlins managerial methodology.

On August 19, I attended the league's preseason manager's meeting. No less than three other managers separately needled me about getting sucked in. When I explained that this was a "one time thing", their reactions were (in this order): (1) laughter, (2) "I thought the same thing." and (3) "I'll bet you $20 right now that you're managing again in the spring." Ours is a resigned fraternity, it would seem. I only had one question for the director.

Me: "My player list has someone on it who just turned five in June and has never even played t-ball. This is a mistake, right?"

Director: "Nope. We planned to have a fall t-ball league, but couldn't get enough kids. So, we moved a handful of t-ball players up a level."

Me: "But, this kid's never played t-ball."

Director: "You'll figure something out. We've got to find a way to keep these kids before football and soccer takes them from us."

Obviously, I was annoyed, but it's not like he could tell me the truth ("We already cashed his parents' check.") Besides, if I do say so myself, I've done a decent job of coaching previous players who didn't have much -- or sometimes any -- experience. Sometimes, all it takes is being there for them.

Our first practice was scheduled for Saturday, August 20, but I couldn't be there. I had a long-standing commitment from a few weeks back to attend Stone Brewery's 15th Anniversary Celebration and Invitational Beer Festival. And, it was GLORIOUS!

More than 40 different breweries were represented, featuring over 100 beers. I finally tried Stone's vanilla bean smoked porter and it was totally worth the wait (mildly sweet on both the front and back ends, underlying smokiness that never overpowers). Stone's cherry chocolate stout was equally awesome. I'd bought up every bottle in North San Diego County, but had it on tap for the first time. Bitter, sour...sensational!

Oh, don't look at me like that. There WAS a member of the Cameron Family who coordinated all of the coaches, kids and baseball equipment at the practice I couldn't attend. Yup...Mrs. Bootleg. She did the best she could, but I don't know if I'd invite her back (sample text from her: "No one brought any baseballs.") These are problems an interim manager has to solve on his (or her) own, honey.

Our next scheduled practice was on August 27. This past Father's Day, Mrs. Bootleg bought me a pair of books on baseball coaching by former Major League players Cal and Billy Ripken. Both books are heavy on the saccharin and condescension, but I find myself pouring over them whenever I have free time. I quoted it so much to my wife, that she finally replied, "You didn't even LIKE Cal Ripken when he played."

True, but his book has an entire "sample practice" that he encourages us to imitate! It fits right into our own 90-minute practice window! Anyone else remember that 20-year-old episode of The Simpsons where Bart is incessantly quoting "three-time soap box derby champ Ronnie Beck"? I'm finding ways to force "19-time All Star Cal Ripken says..." into my family's dinner table conversations, too.

"19-time All Star Cal Ripken says I should keep open lines of communication with all my players' parents."

"No, no...I'll eat it. I guess I don't have a choice. But, I hear 19-time All Star Cal Ripken prefers freshly shaved parmesan cheese on his pasta rather than the grated processed stuff you bought, sweetheart."

"How do you KNOW that 19-time All Star Cal Ripken doesn't have two beers before dinner?"

At practice this past Saturday, I broke the kids up into smaller groups and rotated them through three stations -- as suggested by 19-time All Star Cal Ripken. This kept the kids moving and eliminated a lot of the loitering that seems to be a part of every other kids' baseball practice. We have 12 kids total and I'm pleased to report only two injuries from my first practice: one little boy took a ball off his bicep and on the very first drill (running through first base) I tweaked my back when I broke out of the batter's box and ran up the first base line.

Unlike my player who was hit by the ball, I didn't cry.

Believe it or not, I'm actually glad I volunteered. The structure of our team is almost evenly split between more experienced players and younger boys who, at first glance, seemed willing to learn. The parents have been great, so far, and I'd be lying if I said I hadn't scribbled a few mock batting orders in the margins of my legal pad during the hours when I'm presumably negotiating defense contracts.

Yes, this sweaty and unkempt corpse is managing your kids.

Thanks for the opportunity.

TBG (Quickly) Eats: NEW Fiery Fusion Doritos and Cheetos

2011-08-25T22:43:00.000-07:00

I've been frequenting convenience stores long enough to remember when my dad used to send me to the mom-and-pop shop two blocks from our apartment. With the two dollars he gave me; I'd buy him a pack of Kool cigarettes and in exchange for my efforts, he'd let me buy myself a Chunky Bar. And, I still came home with change.*

* -- It goes without saying that these were the early 1980s. The store owner knew my dad (and, obviously, me), the packs of cigarettes were in FRONT of the counter and nobody thought there was anything wrong with an eight-year-old boy buying smokes for his old man.

Despite my liquor store legacy, I was surprised to learn it's been 20 years since Frito-Lay first introduced their "Flamin' Hot" flavor of snack chips to unsuspecting tongues everywhere.** The company has since released a wide array of their ubiquitous, delicious junk food spiced with varying degrees of heat. I can't claim to have tried them all, but off the top of my head, I recall loving the Tapatio Doritos and loathing the "2nd Degree Burns" Fiery Buffalo Doritos.

** -- If our friends at mexgrocer.com are to be believed.

Earlier this month, Frito-Lay released two new entries onto convenience store snack racks. Their "Fiery Fusion" Doritos and Cheetos were -- according to the official press release -- "...inspired by the increasingly popular trend of pairing complex global flavors." The calories may be empty, kids, but the pretentiousness is plentiful!

Both the Doritos and Cheetos are flavored with "...cheese, herbs and spices with cayenne pepper, vinegar and paprika" and Frito-Lay promises "a unique flavor with slow-burning heat".

Given a choice between their regular flavors, I'll always choose Doritos over Cheetos. So, I was somewhat surprised to discover the Fiery Fusion flavor elements worked better with the Cheetos. Perhaps it was the denser texture, but the spices -- particularly the cayenne pepper -- seemed to penetrate each gnarled piece, blending with the corn components to create sweet notes up front and a kick of spice at the end.

The Doritos version reminded me of the Last Call Jalapeño Popper-flavored Doritos, but got the spice balance all wrong. Those Last Call Doritos weren't overly peppery and carried a fantastic creamy mouthfeel that tied the different tastes together. The Fiery Fusion Doritos are all cayenne and lack the Cheetos' complexity -- relative to the standards of 99-cent snack foods. This is still a decent little chip and I'd absolutely buy another bag, but it misses the descriptive marketing target that Cheetos hits.

Grade (Fiery Fusion Cheetos): 4 (out of 5)

Grade (Fiery Fusion Doritos): 3 (out of 5)

Jalen's First Racial Incident

2011-08-22T23:04:00.000-07:00

On Monday, my seven-year-old son Jalen began second grade.

Behaviorally, the previous three months have been a bit of a mixed bag for him. He withstood -- with surprisingly good maturity -- the temporary parental abandonment created by my June vacation to New York and Mrs. Bootleg's New York-Rome-Paris jaunt in July.

Unfortunately, one day Jalen also came home from summer camp with a note from his swim instructor reprimanding his overly-competitive nature and dramatically negative attitude when he didn't win at one of the kid-friendly water games. The note was quite pointed and more than a little embarrassing to read as Jalen's parents. So, you can imagine the near aneurysm induced by the note that appeared in his folder the following day.

This correspondence, however, was extremely vague. It was a polite, but terse request to contact the teacher. I'll admit to being more focused on the final line: "Jalen didn't do anything wrong!"

Obviously, Jalen was involved in something, even if he did nothing wrong. On the ride home, Jalen seemed somewhat withdrawn, but I chalked it up to the punishment I'd dispensed the day before. In the hours that followed, both my curiosity and the urgency of the moment evaporated.

The following morning, as I drove Jalen to camp, the note crossed my mind again. For whatever reason, the thought that another child had said something insulting to my son seemed to be the obvious answer. I knew it couldn't be any kind of physical altercation, since that would've merited a more immediate response from the staff. And, no one sends home a note specifically exonerating one party unless there's a second party involved, somehow.*

* -- Only took me 16 hours to figure that out, or roughly 2/3 of an average season of Law & Order.

I called the camp and received a summarized confirmation: two kids had made a racial comment of some kind to Jalen. Before I continue, I should probably point out that I know most of the staff pretty well and, as a result, I received some additional context and perspective that I probably wouldn't have received over the phone, otherwise.

This put me in a different frame of mind than my wife, as I was tasked with filling her in on the incident.

Now, my wife is infinitely more inquisitive than me and my inability to answer her queries ("Who was involved?", "What'd they say to my baby?", "Why don't you EVER ask any follow-up questions, Aaron?!") probably had her thinking that a hate crime had been committed.

We drove to Jalen's summer camp to meet with his teacher. She's actually a very sweet, well-intended older woman who taught our son from preschool through kindergarten. And, every conversation with her -- about anything at all -- inevitably turns into this. She sat us down -- in those accursed kid-sized chairs that wreck havoc on my back -- and read directly from her [dramatic pause] "Incident Report".

For the benefit of those of you who've read this far, here's the short version: two kids told Jalen he'd have to be last in line because he had black skin. An emotional Jalen informed a different teacher who -- in our estimation -- handled the situation phenomenally well. She did such a good job of talking it out with everyone involved that Jalen didn't even mention it to me when I picked him up that day.

In fact, the "awkward" and "uncomfortable" didn't really begin until our meeting with the teacher and her incident report...continued. Oh, there wasn't anything else of substance in the report. We were assured that the parents of the children involved would be brought in to discuss what happened. And, Mrs. Bootleg and I had plans of our own to talk about it with Jalen.

Before we could leave with our son, however, the teacher had gone off script with us and somehow segued into a lesson on the physiological reasons behind darker skin. And, she went all the way back to the dawn of man for this one, y'all. I am not making this up. We've known her for years, we know she adores Jalen and -- not to put too fine of a point on this -- but, we've known her for years. Mrs. Bootleg and I would've been disappointed if we didn't get the "Grandpa Simpson" bit from her.

A few days later, Jalen and I had the following conversation over breakfast:

Jalen: "Can I write a thank you note to my friend? He got me a race car."

Me: "Why did your friend get you a race car?"

Jalen: "Because, he was saying 'sorry' for saying a mean thing to me."

Me: "Wait...are you talking about the little boy from summer camp last week? He got you a race car?"

Jalen: "Yeah."

Me: "Did you SAY 'thank you'?"

Jalen: "Yeah."

Me: "Then, I think we can leave it at that, J."

Jalen: "But, he wrote ME a note."

Me: "He wrote YOU a note? Where is it?"

Jalen: "Here."

Me: "Y'know what, J. Let's leave it at that."